Sulfury

Burp

2006-07-25T02:31:00.000+09:00

I've had enough. See ya folks.

Thought Bubble # 202

2006-07-22T14:35:00.000+09:00

What happens to our hopes, dreams, plans and thoughts when we become a bottle of ash?

Thought Bubble # 237

2006-07-21T11:10:00.000+09:00

Is a thought transmitted in binary code? If not, what is the language of a thought? If it's an alien language, how does the brain process it?

Thought Bubble # 207

2006-07-20T11:50:00.000+09:00

Is there someway to make thoughts visible? Would it be a good idea? Will we lose respect for each other if we can see thoughts?

Thought Bubble # 241

2006-07-19T12:50:00.000+09:00

The man who doesn't sleep is twice as old as the man who does.

Thought Bubble # 251

2006-07-18T11:52:00.000+09:00

The average human being has at least 3 rebirths in one life.

Thought Bubble # 254

2006-07-17T12:18:00.000+09:00

Some of the freshest thoughts can be plucked out of thin air
from 1 am to 7 am. Ever wondered, why?

To The Dead

2006-07-12T13:25:00.000+09:00

Don't worry. We'll take care.

The Writer's Deadlock

2006-07-10T12:10:00.000+09:00

The pen wants to write. But the hand doesn't.

Good Heavens Inc.

2006-07-04T13:33:00.000+09:00

After centuries of playing god, the lord almighty got terribly bored. So he decided to outsource management of heaven to a dirt-cheap BPO in India with some experience in the business of inclusive governance. Unfortunately there was no such organization around. Just when the omnipotent was about to look at China, politicians of all hues in India got together and floated a BPO named Good Heavens Incorporated. The netas decided to bury their differences for the larger cause of power. Clearly impressed by this new found camaraderie between political opponents, ‘God’ gifted the project to the Indians and went on a year long vacation. Having bagged the contract, Good Heavens Inc. immediately announced its team for running the world. The dream team was as follows:

Minister of Natural Disasters – Arjun Singh
Minister of Birth Control – Laloo Prasad Yadav
Minister of Eternal Youth – Atal Behari Vajpayee
Minister of Peace – Narendra Modi
Minister of Heredity – Rahul Gandhi
Minister of Religions – Prakash Karat
Minister of Equal Opportunity – Mayawati
Minister of Match Making – Harkishen Singh Surjeet
Minister of Merit – Ram Bilas Paswan
Minister of Ambition – LK Advani
Minister of Good Fortune – Deve Gowda
Minister of Bad Fortune – Rahul Mahajan
Minister of Mischief – Subramanium Swamy
Minister of Languages – M. Karunanidhi
Minister of Wealth Distribution – J. Jayalalitha
Minister of Regional Development – Chandra Babu Naidu
Minister of Tolerance – Bal Thackeray
Minister of Planning & Scheming – Sharad Pawar
Minister of Sacrifice – Sonia Gandhi
Minister of the Future – Priyanka Gandhi
Minister of Comebacks – VP Singh
Minister of Lost Causes – Mamata Banerjee
Minister of the Forgotten – PA Sangma
Minister of Minorities – Uma Bharati
Minister of Never-Say-Die – Karunakaran
Minister of Heavenly Spin – Arun Jaitley
Minister of Obfuscation – Jaswant Singh
Minister of Fair Weather – Vaiko
Minister of Nationalism – Mehbooba Mufti
Minister of Food Chain – Maneka Gandhi

P. Chidambaram, Jairam Ramesh, Manmohan Singh, Kapil Sibal, Sushma Swaraj, Venkaiah Naidu, George Fernandes and Pranab Mukherjee were hired as flunkies by their respective godfathers.

Dr. Ramadoss was the consensus candidate for the figure head post of ‘God’ as he was not seen as a threat by any of the political heavyweights in the cabinet.

BREAKING NEWS: It is reliably learnt that former figure head ‘God’ committed suicide after seeing the contours of the dream team.

Thought Bubble # 87

2006-07-04T11:18:00.000+09:00

What if the aliens mailed you a long message and your spam filter were on?

What are the Ambanis & Mallyas going to give?

2006-06-26T19:04:00.000+09:00

Bill Gates has pledged to give away $30 billion before enters the pearly gates of heaven.

His pal Warren Buffet has announced that he'll pump in $37.4 billion into charity.

George Soros gifts almost $400 million to causes close to his heart.

Ted Turner donated $1 billion to the United Nations, not so long ago.

66% of the profits of Tata Sons go to charitable causes.

The Birlas gave us the planetariums & plenty of temples.

What are the Mallyas & Ambanis gonna give us?

I am curious.

Mittal is not India

2006-06-26T13:04:00.000+09:00

Anyone who reads Economic Times today, might get the impression that India has taken over France. For godsake guys, it's after all a marriage between two corporate fat cats. Why give the Mittal-Arcelor deal a 'India-Shining' spin? What if Mittal Steel crashes? Would the MSM project it as 'India's collapse'? Grow up, folks. Show more moderation.

My Coded Message To The Aliens

2006-06-24T03:19:00.000+09:00

01001001
0110111001100101011101100110010101110010
01101011011011100110010101110111
01110101
01110111011001010111001001100101
0111001101101111
01000100010101010100110101000010

0100100101100110
01110101
01110111010001010111001001100101
0111001101101101011000010111001001110100
01110101
01110111011011110110111001110100
01100010
01101000011001010111001001100101
0110100101101110
011101000110100001100101
0110011001101001011100100111001101110100
0111000001101100011000010110001101100101

Thought Bubble # 199

2006-06-22T13:37:00.000+09:00

Is it possible to invent a memory gun that can induce amnesia without any physical harm? What I have in mind, is a permanent version of the one used in MIB. Such a weapon can help us win wars without firing a real bullet. It might also be useful in prisons to reboot criminal minds. We can do away with capital punishment. We can stop riots. We can overcome depressions & heartbreaks. But there is also the flip side. In the hands of an idle mind, it might end up causing a lot of chaos.

Merit & Not Passport

2006-06-19T11:36:00.000+09:00

Shashi Tharoor, India's nominee for the post of UN Secretary General, is reported to have said that, 'candidates will have to stand on our own merits and will have to have own credentials, rather than our passports as the principal qualification'. No one can have any disputes on that. But our home grown mandalites are sure to object. Because given a choice, they'd rather lobby for reservations for the 'Backward Class'. My point is, if 'backwardness' was the basis, the United Nations would forever be headed by someone from Sub Saharan Africa. Now would you want that Mr. Arjun Singh?

Karan Makes Chidambaram Squirm

2006-06-12T20:37:00.000+09:00

Like me, if you didn't have the pleasure of seeing Finance Minister P. Chidambaram squirm, then I suggest you settle for the transcript to get a whiff of Karan Thapar's now famous interview with PC. Karan may have got a few facts wrong, but overall I think he managed to strip Chidambaram down to his 'reservation-has-worked-in-south' figleaf. Also visit Reality Check for an update. After reading the transcript, only one thought crossed my mind: why didn't our dishonourable members of parliament consider it important to even have a debate of this scale when they passed the shameful 94th ammendment?

Makes No Sense

2006-06-12T02:45:00.000+09:00

It was the 32nd of December.
At 13 AM, I switched on the TV.
On Channel One, I read a movie.
Zap. Zap.
Then I watched a song.
Zap. Zap. Zap.
Got bored. So I called myself.
It was a dull, dreary conversation.
How do you live with him?
I thought to myself.
But he had sharp ears.
He called me names.
And put the phone down, rather rudely.
Disgusted with me, I went to the wardrobe.
Pulled out another body.
And stuffed my soul into it.
The fit didn't look right.
But what the hell, at least I looked presentable.
The bell sang.
I ran to answer the window.
As I opened the panes, I saw my red shadow staring at me.
He had come to check on me.
I called him outside.
We sat on two floating sofas.
For an hour, neither spoke.
At 12 AM, my shadow thanked me for my time.
And left me all alone with my many selves.
Then I went to the bathtub and fell asleep.

Finally, a sane voice

2006-06-09T17:42:00.000+09:00

Prof. MS Gopinathan says 'OBCs should throw away the demeaning crutches offered'. Just when I was about to pen a rant with the title 'Are we creating a nation of parasites?' I discovered this article in rediff. Go read it.

A brilliant analogy to rubbish unpaid specwork

2006-06-06T12:05:00.000+09:00

I need a partner with whom to have a serious relationship but I don’t want to invest any time or effort in finding the right woman; I shouldn’t have to. I’m a great man and any woman should be proud to be with me, so I’m holding auditions. I’d like for all interested women to visit me and show me your “wares.” I’m definitely looking for someone with a hot bod, and not afraid to show it off. Extra points for staying the night and letting me sample your attentions and enthusiasm.

One lucky winner gets a $400 wedding ring and the prestige of having me for a partner (‘cause I look good). The rest of you just get screwed. Awright, who’s with me?

Extracted from Andy Rutledge's rant on redesign competitions.

Link alert: Adlist.

Should the mandal stir continue?

2006-06-01T01:49:00.000+09:00

Should the Y4E unrest go on? Shouldn’t the strikers just cock up and get back to their respective jobs, now that the honorable Supreme Court has decreed silence? Well, the opinions are divided. Our resident mind readers did a quick psychic survey to gauge the reactions of different sections of India. This is what they found out…

CNN IBN: Of course, they must stop protesting….because people are tired of watching the same old footage. C’mon guys, where’s the drama? Not one single suicide. Not one riot. Not even a self-immolation worth recording for posterity…

HEADLINES TODAY: The strike is old hat. We have more important issues to cover like Britney Spears’ pregnancy; Buddhia’s run for his life; Fanaa’s fortunes and Rahul Mahajan’s political launch.

NDTV: The strike is a BJP conspiracy to topple the UPA government. Upper caste doctors and students from elitist schools funded by rich NRIs living in the USA are behind this Mandal agitation. Our correspondent Barkha Roy has discovered that 75 out of 70 students present in her ‘We the People’ program, oppose this.

THE HINDU: The strike is an ingenious ploy by status quo-ists to perpetuate casteism. It has no merit. It is anti-people and is being led by fascist minds who love to hold the nation to ransom….

THE BLOGGER: Don’t surrender guys. We are solidly behind you. If you give up so soon, we’ll have nothing to rant about…

RAKEYSH MEHRA: Continue…continue…as long as you guys keep fighting RDB will be very much in the news.

MANMOHAN SINGH: I am pained to see the attitude of the strikers. I have set up so many committees to go into the issue. Still they want to protest. I am willing to appoint many more committees if it can end the nation’s agony…

SONIA GANDHI: No comments.

DR. ANBUMANI: Thanks to the doctor’s strike, the patient is in the ICU. By patient I am referring to my good self. So for my sake, dayavusaidhu get back to work tomorrow. Or I’ll lose my ministry.

RAJNATH SINGH: We are neither opposed to the strike nor do we support it. At the end of the day all we want is merit should get its due place and the backward castes must get social justice.

ARJUN SINGH: As per my information, the protestors are from the creamy layer of the Upper Castes. If you people don’t stop, the government will be forced to introduce a legislation whereby only 49.5% of the population will have the right to protest.

THE STUDENT: Go on. Go on. We are very much with you. The more you protest, the longer will be our summer vacation.

THE DOCTOR: Paapi pet ka sawaal hai boss. Why should we lose our job? If we don’t join work tomorrow, Supreme Court apna post mortem kar dega.

The Smear Campaign Has Started

2006-05-29T12:51:00.000+09:00

Praful Bidwai, the frontline pamphleteer of Frontline magazine, has set the ball rolling with a masterpiece in Khaleej Times. He's opined that the current youth unrest has been orchestrated by 'upper caste-dominated guilds like the Indian Medical Association; captains of industry and owners of private colleges, who oppose any extension of reservations even for the lowest of castes; and BJP politicians.' Go here to catch more of his cow manure.

India is burning

2006-05-28T22:51:00.000+09:00

Young India is burning with rage. Seething with anger. The evidence is right before our eyes. Delhi simmered yesterday. Kolkata joined the revolt. Today it's Bangalore's turn. My feeling is no one in the corridors of power has realised the gravity of the situation yet. Things will get worse when they announce the petrol hike next week. And then god save Manmohan Singh...

The Silence of Sonia

2006-05-28T22:38:00.000+09:00

The lady who listens to her inner voice has pressed the mute button, yet again. She's not said a word on the reservation issue. Not even the usual platitudes about her concern for the disadvantaged. The reasons are obvious. She wants bechaara Manmohan Singh to take all the flak. For anyone who's observed Sonia, this ain't surprising. She never opens her mouth for fear of uttering something utterly ridiculous. Perhaps that's why she never addresses press conferences or appears on camera for a candid interview. To think that we nearly made her Prime Minister...thank god for small mercies.

Youth For Equality Needs Funds

2006-05-26T16:24:00.000+09:00

The fearless young girls and boys who are fighting for a just cause need a little help. Go here to know why. If you wish to contribute a small amount, send an email to youth4equality@gmail.com, right away!

One Answer to All Questions.

2006-05-26T02:06:00.000+09:00

Who's gonna pay for the oil price hike?
You and me.

Who's gonna pay for free colour TVs in Tamil Nadu?
You and me.

Who's gonna pay Rs. 10,000 crores for implementing Mandal 2.0?
You and me.

Who's gonna pay the income tax without default this year?
You and me.

Who's gonna pay for building metro rails?
You and me.

Who's gonna pay the politicians their salary?
You and me.

Who's gonna pay for electing the UPA?
You and me.

Who's gonna pay for reading this with a resigned look?
You and me.

I Can Smell Anger

2006-05-25T17:09:00.000+09:00

Annoyance has turned into anguish.
Resentment has turned into rage.
Frustration has turned into fury.
Rebellion is in the air in Delhi.

Modest Achievers. Immodest Egonyms.

2006-05-24T14:23:00.000+09:00

An egonym is a pompous title bestowed on a star by sycophants who call themselves fans. Egonyms are a very common practice in Kollywood. Strangely, the stars have no shame in flashing these silly prefixes in the title cards of their movies. Here's a collection of Kollywood Egonyms culled from the internet.

'Super Star' Rajinikanth
'Supreme Star' Sarath Kumar
'Ultimate Star' Ajith
'Little Super Star' Silambarasan
'Top Star' Prashanth
'Action King' Arjun
'Indian Bruce Lee' Dhanush
'Young General' Vijay
'Revolutionary Artiste' Vijayakanth
'King of Romance' Kamal Hassan
'Revolutionary Tamilian' Satyaraj
'Hero of 9 Emotions' Karthik
'Young Pinnacle' Prabhu
'The Vaigai Storm' Vadivelu
'King of Poetry' Vairamuthu

Are Brahmins the Dalits of today?

2006-05-23T20:54:00.000+09:00

A very interesting article by Francois Gautier. Sets you thinking. I can see the grist for a good documentary here.

Fun Schools

2006-05-23T14:26:00.000+09:00

Everyone’s looking for schools with IQ these days. Nope. Not Intelligence Quotient you fool, but Interest Quotient. Burning questions like, ‘Are there enough chicks? Are the profs good looking? Is the course a no-brainer? Will 40% attendance do?’ are very germane to wannabes who hope to run in today’s rat race. In such a scenario, it may not be a bad idea if we consider offering some very stimulating education options. That’s precisely what I’ve done below.

1. The Dhirubhai Institute of Business Ethics
What you get: Post Graduate Diploma in Ethical Wealth Creation
What you learn: Ethical bribes, fair bidding for licenses, principles of lubrication, moral management of immoral men in power, gentle arm twisting, just corporate warfare, impartial eavesdropping and honest rigging of the stock market.

2. Arjun Singh’s Coaching Classes
What you get: Meritorious training for entering the IITs, IIMs & AIIMS.
What you learn: Electoral arithmetic, differentiation, sets and subsets, irrational numbers, selective statistics, specious logic, friction, mandal thermodynamics, Newton’s third law, nuclear fission, myopic optics, entropy, caste chemistry, dissection, diseases & causes, bitter medicines, queue jumping and much, much more.

3. Vijay Mallya’s Art of Living
What you get: King of Good Times Certification
What you learn: Epicurean philosophy, spirited thinking & high living, cocktail karma, page 3 sutra, yoga on a yacht, limelight kriya and other socialite nidras.

4. Greg Chappell’s Diplomacy Academy
What you get: Diploma in Conflict Management
What you learn: The fine art of being subtly direct, drafting polished emails without mincing words, when to show the finger, using the craft of spin to bowl over the press, working towards peace by giving a piece of your mind and how to pose for pretty pictures with your mortal enemy.

5. Narendra Modi University for Secular Studies
What you get: Bachelor’s Degree in Riot Management
What you learn: Creating communal harmony by demolishing religious structures, prompt police action to heal wounds from burning trains, exonerating innocent citizens framed for riot, taking pre-emptive action in a minority of cases and calming sentiments using fiery words.

6. Salman Khan’s Driving Institute
What you get: Crash Course in Accident Management
What you learn: Inebriated driving on lonely lanes, the gymnastics of driving a jeep on a footpath, negotiating human speed bumps, bollywood hit and run techniques, what-ifs of celebrity accidents, looking photogenic in prison photo-ops, living a jailbird life with a vest and getting released before the next Friday release.

For admissions, write to thedean@ifonlythisweretrue.com

Royalty Free Idea of the Month # 3

2006-05-22T00:20:00.000+09:00

The Concept
A High Court on the net for speedy disposal of routine cases.

The Need Gap
As on 31st December 2005, nearly 3-crore cases were pending before the Supreme Court, 21 High Courts and the subordinate courts in India. Many of these cases have been gathering dust for years. There have been many reasons for this judicial clog. Lack of infrastructure, staff and budgets are some oft-quoted excuses. The Government of India has tried to resolve this mess by introducing Fast Track Courts. But as any neutral observer will tell you, Fast Track Courts are not as fast you think. They have their constraints. So clearly there’s a need for another solution.

The Solution
To break the judicial logjam, the government must institute virtual courts called the iCourts. The iCourts should be empowered to dispose off long pending cases and new suits involving minor civil disputes.

How will iCourts work?
iCourts by definition are courts on the internet. To create an iCourt, all one has to do is to commission the creation of a website that combines elements of a chatroom, bulletin board, messenger & blog. The courtroom will be a blog with a chatroom provision. Moderator of the blog will be the judge. The concerned parties will be co-opted into the blog. The lawyers from both sides will initially be allowed to state their case by posting their pre-prepared statement of arguments. Relevant documentation may be uploaded. Audio clips & Video clips may also be posted. Once the judge pores over the arguments he will post his observations. Arguments and counter arguments may be made by the relevant parties in the blog. On the day the judge wants to give his verdict, he will alert the concerned parties via the messenger and ask them to assemble in his chat room. He will question and counter question the lawyers and then post his final verdict.

What features can one expect in the iCourt site?
a) Every judge will have his own login, password, profile page, email ID and blog.
b) Every lawyer who practices in the iCourt will get a login, password and email ID.
c) For every case, a new blog will be created by a judge. Members of the blog will be the respective lawyers. The key moderator will be the judge.
d) The judge may or may not allow comments on the posts depending on the case.
e) At any point any client should be able to access the profiles of the judge, lawyers the cases they’ve handled before and their relevant case blog.
f) Each blog will have a chat room where real time arguments of the concerned parties can take place. Archive of chat transcripts can be accessed by the judge at any point in time.
g) A bulletin board will be available in the home page of the site. The bulletin board will post the day’s schedule of cases.
h) A search engine facility will be provided. One can search for judges, lawyers or case blogs using this engine.
i) The Constitution of India will be provided as a reference tool in the website. One should be able to mine the constitution using keywords.
j) News regarding transfers, appointments & cases will be available in the home page.

Who will create the iCourt program?
The Government of India can call for a pitch. The best software companies from India may be invited for the pitch. The most user friendly program may be chosen. A beta testing will have to done. Bugs have to be sorted out before the launch.

Who will fund the iCourt?
The Law Ministry of the Government of India.

Who will administer the iCourts?
For security reasons, the IT ministry may administer the iCourts website. Maintenance may be outsourced to the company that created the site.

What will be the jurisdiction of the iCourts?
Any minor civil dispute in India will be referred to the iCourts. An expert panel of judges can decide on the kind of matters that will be referred to the iCourts.

As a court of law, where can one peg the iCourts?
iCourts will enjoy as much power as a High Court. In terms of constitutional importance, it will be right below the Supreme Court.

Who can be an iCourt judge?
Retired judges from high courts & subordinate courts may be picked for this assignment. We’ll need at least 1000 odd judges for this purpose. The judges can be given a free laptop and a broadband connection. The judges will have to necessarily undergo a crash course in handling computers & the internet.

How will the judges be compensated?
The judges can be paid a consultation fee for every case cleared.

Whom will the iCourt report to?
The iCourt will come under the direct supervision of a Chief Justice who will be of Supreme Court rank. The Chief Justice will have the powers to appoint iCourt judges, monitor their performances, and will attend to high priority cases in the iCourts. The Chief Justice’s office will also double up as the iCourt Head Office. The Chief Justice will be selected by the Supreme Court.

Where can the client access the iCourts?
Since the iCourt is a virtual court, it can be accessed from anywhere in India. All one needs is a computer with an internet connection. To make such computers available in rural areas, the Government of India can tie up with cyber cafes.

How long can an iCourt take to give a verdict on a case?
Not more than 15 days.

How does one file an appeal against an iCourt verdict?
Appeals may be directed to the Supreme Court.

Won’t the legal system feel threatened?
The iCourt is no way is a threat to the legal system in India. It’s a remedy for rapid disposal of routine cases. The broad framework within which the iCourts can operate will be framed by the Supreme Court. Adequate care will be taken to ensure that the iCourts will in no way diminish the importance of any High Court. All the iCourt will do is to act as a supplement for most High Courts in India.

What’s in it for all of us?
a) To the average citizen of India, the iCourts will be the most approachable, transparent and speedy court in India. The promise of a redressal in 15 days should hold enough charm.
b) To the lawyers, it’s more cases. Hence more money.
c) To the judges of real courts, the iCourts take care of all the pesky and shitty work. So they can use their time more fruitfully on important cases.
d) To the Government of India, it’s a workable and viable legal system that solves the vexed problem of pending cases.

50 Stock Expressions Of A Creative Guy

2006-05-17T02:06:00.001+09:00

Wanna join the creative department of an ad agency? Here are a few expressions that might come in handy all through your career...

1. Where’s the brief?
2. You call this a brief?
3. I like the font you’ve used in the brief.
4. Where’s the insight?
5. When do you need it?
6. F*ck off.
7. Go take a jump.
8. This is unacceptable.
9. I think I’ve cracked it…
10. I have a fantastic idea…
11. The scene opens in a beach in Australia…
12. Is it hot?
13. Will it win?
14. It’s been done before.
15. I did this some ten years ago.
16. There’s a thought there…
17. I have a better idea…
18. It’s a good idea but will it work?
19. I think it will get a nomination.
20. Fabulous idea. We should park it for some other client…
21. We have the idea. We just need a logo.
22. Can we get this released before December 31st?
23. Is the font size too big?
24. Let’s not put our key number on this ad.
25. Let’s upload it to the Archive.
26. I think I’ve earned my salary for the year.
27. I’ll buy you a beer if you can sell this ad.
28. I am not coming for the meeting…
29. We’ve looked at it from all angles…
30. We are quite excited with the work…
31. I am sure you’ll love it…
32. Of course, your customers will get it!
33. Trust me, the campaign will work.
34. Bastards they killed it.
35. The joker didn’t get the ad.
36. He can’t tell his arse from his elbow.
37. I am not gonna work on it
38. You have two options. Take it or leave it.
39. Come let’s go for a smoke.
40. What are you doing for lunch?
41. Let’s sleep over it.
42. We’ve started brainstorming.
43. We are working on it.
44. We are not happy with the idea.
45. Call up the client and postpone the meeting.
46. I think I deserve a break.
47. Let’s hire some good looking chicks.
48. Did you see that commercial? It was terrible.
49. How many metals did O&M get?
50. I am quitting.

Why not gender based reservations?

2006-05-16T02:39:00.000+09:00

Proponents of Mandal keep pointing to the fact that affirmative action is a just compensation for centuries of discrimination. Before we venture into a critique of this argument I suggest you pause for a moment. Take a deep breath. Close your eyes. Think of all the heinous social crimes commited by Indians in the last many centuries. What comes to mind? The image of a young lady being goaded to commit Sati? A child widow being carted away to the desolate confines of an asylum in Brindavan? The poignant picture of a female foetus in a dustbin? The photograph of a dowry victim with third degree burns? Gory footage of nubile women being pillaged in riots?

See my point? The most discriminated creature in this country is the bharatiya nari. So I'd like to know only one thing. Why the hell should we not have 50% reservations for women in all fields? Why stick with stupid Mandal? Let's have some Mahila Mandal instead.

Royalty Free Idea of the Month # 2

2006-05-15T03:59:00.000+09:00

The Concept
A viable and transparent way to fund political parties.

The Need Gap
Funding is a huge problem for most political parties in India. Membership fee from party workers is simply inadequate to take care of the expenses. Slush money from sleazy sources and mystery suitcases from mercenary businessmen keep the parties afloat. Fund crunch forces our netas to resort to corruption. Fundex aims to plug this financial and moral void.

The Solution
Fundex or Fund Exchange will be a stock exchange specially created to mobilize public money for political parties.

What will Fundex trade in?
Fundex will trade in political stocks with no voting powers.

Who can get listed in Fundex?
Any political party recognized by the Election Commission of India.

Who will be the investors?
Mutual funds, banks, corporations, financial institutions, insurance companies, party workers and retail investors based in India.

Who will run Fundex?
The Election Commission of India will monitor Fundex with able assistance from SEBI. A special institution can be created by the parliament to run Fundex on a day to day basis.

How will Fundex work?
Any political party that wishes to raise capital will have to first declare:
a) The amount of capital required.
b) Why the money is needed.
c) What the party wishes to do with the money.
d) The financial health of the party.
e) The assets and liability base of the board of governors of the party.
f) The non-financial benefits of investing in the party.

Once this red herring prospectus has been cleared by the Election Commission, the political party will go in for an IPO. The number of Non Voting Shares (NVS) on offer and the denomination of each NVS will be announced. The listing procedures will be very similar to that of the National Stock Exchange.

Once the IPO has been successful, the NVS can be electronically traded in Fundex. Investors can buy & sell the political stocks either directly or through brokers authenticated by SEBI.

Since the investor is entitled to no voting rights and financial dividends, the only source of revenue for the investor is going to be through stock trading.

So Fundex will in essence be a trading exchange for political stocks of all hues.

The stocks will move up or down depending upon the performance of the party through out the year.

What’s in it for the political parties?
1. Potentially unlimited source of funds through out the year.
2. Full time party workers can actually be paid salaries with this money.
3. Party members can be allotted PSOPS (Party Stock Options).
4. Dependence on slush funds decreases.
5. No need to humour businessmen who help the party.
6. The financial brokers who control the party will now lose their sheen. The true blue organization men and mass leaders will have control over the party.
7. The small party needn’t fear the money power of the big party.

What’s in it for the investor?
1. An active stake in the political future of India.
2. Monetary gain by trading in political stocks.
3. A chance to fund the parties you like.
4. Income tax / corporate tax deductions.
5. No harassment from party goons for funds.

What’s in it for the general public?
1. A Lok Paritran has as much a chance of mobilizing funds as the Congress (I).
2. More transparency in politics. As in, parties will have to issue annual reports stating their achievements & financial transactions for the year.
3. An opportunity to make political parties more accountable. What I mean is, earlier parties used to listen to voters once in 5 years; now they’ll have to do it almost everyday. Otherwise the party stock will take a plunge in the Fundex.
4. Lesser corruption.

What are the checks & balances to make Fundex work?
1. An external audit of the statement of accounts of political parties by auditors who report to the Election Commission.
2. A daily circuit breaker to control excessive speculation on political stocks.
3. A hawk eye on the kind of investors pumping money into the political parties.
4. The National Vigilance Commission should be given powers to probe any complaints on misappropriation of funds.

Arjun Singh’s BC Bela Bath

2006-05-14T14:05:00.000+09:00

Extracted from ‘The Unpublished Secrets of Sonia’s Kitchen Cabinet’, a fictitious book that sheds light on some tasteless recipes to win the 2008 polls.

Recipe Ingredients
1/2 cup of 93rd Amendment
1 cup of affirmative action
1/2 cup of thick backward caste paste
5 teaspoons of mandal gun powder
2 cups of chopped seats from IITs, IIMs & Medical Colleges.
4 green chilies of minority appeasement
3 table spoons of ghee to butter liberals
1/2 teaspoon of underprivileged rhetoric
2 teaspoons of merit bashing
1 sprig of media management
1 teaspoon of half truths
1 teaspoon of creamy layer
Salt to taste

Recipe Preparation
1. Wash affirmative action and 93rd amendment together and cook under pressure with the chopped seats till completely done.
2. Add backward caste paste to the above and stir well.
3. Now sprinkle the Mandal gun powder. Mix it. And set aside.
4. Heat the liberal ghee and spice it up with minority appeasement, merit bashing and half truths.
5. When 4 is ready, blend it with 3.
6. Garnish 5 with media management.
7. Add salt to taste power.

Vital Stats of the Tamil Nadu Polls

2006-05-11T22:43:00.000+09:00

If you wanna know the real story, just pore over these numbers:

Votes polled by DMK Alliance: 44.6% (163 seats)
DMK - 26.5% (96 seats)
Congress - 8.4%(34 seats)
PMK - 5.4% (18 seats)
CPM - 2.7% (9 seats)
CPI - 1.6% (6 seats)

Votes polled by AIADMK Alliance: 39.8% (69 seats)
AIADMK - 32.5% (61 seats)
MDMK - 6.0% (6 seats)
DPI - 1.3% (2 seats)

Votes polled by DMDK aka Vijayakanth's party: 8.33% (1 seat)
Brilliant performance for a new comer.To score more or less the same votes as the Congress and to emerge as the No.4 party in Tamil Nadu after beating the likes of MDMK, PMK, BJP, CPM & CPI is no mean achievement! It is to be remembered that DMDK played spoiler to the AIADMK alliance in 92 seats. While it affected the chances of the DMK alliance in 43 seats.

Votes polled by BJP: 2%
BJP lost nearly 1.2% votes in this election. This after getting Thirunavukarassar on board. BJP also lost 4 seats. It fared well in Colachel, Hosur, Killiyur, Madurai East, Padmanabhapuram, Pudukottai, Thirumayam, Thiruvattar, Vilavancode & Nagercoil.

Votes polled by Lok Paritran: 0.11%
Excellent performance by any standards. In Anna Nagar, LP finished third with 11665 votes. In Mylapore, again LP finished third with 9436 votes. In T.Nagar, LP stood fourth, polling 6323 votes. Contrast this with BJP's performance. In Anna Nagar, BJP scored 7897 votes. In Mylapore, BJP supported Chandralekha got 2898 votes. In T.Nagar, the BJP supported Mukta Srinivasan got just 4234 votes.

Forward Block polled 0.3% while SP got 0.2%. BSP aka Pudhiya Tamizhagam bested these parties by polling 0.8%.

DMK lost 4%, PMK lost 0.2%, ADMK, MDMK, DPI & CPM gained 1% each. Congress gained a significant 6%.

To sum up, the DMK alliance beat AIADMK alliance by 5% points and ended up winning 94 more seats. For all the hype, AIADMK was able to bring no additional votes to the table compared to the Lok Sabha election. So the reason for Amma's defeat squarely rests on her shoulders. The benefits of her performance and her goodwill among women was felt only in Chennai, Coimbatore and Madurai. My gut feel is she lost a significant chunk of votes to Vijaykanth's party. The same is the case with Karunanidhi.

Note: I was bang on with DMK's vote percentage. But was off mark by 3% while predicting the ADMK votes.

Facts courtesy: Election Commission.

A Smart Strategy That Failed

2006-05-11T18:32:00.000+09:00

PMK adopted a very clever strategy against actor Vijayakanth in the Vridhachalam assembly poll. The vanniar party fielded 3 other Vijayakanths in the same constituency. The idea was to confuse the illiterate voters. Thankfully the voters weren't as dumb. The real (or should I say reel) Vijayakanth won by nearly 14000 votes. Here's the final tally for the Vijayakanths:

A.Vijayakanth DMDK 61337
C.Vijayakanth IND 1174
A.Vijayakanth IND 589
K.Vijayakanth IND 832

Source: Election Commission.

Royalty Free Idea of the Month # 1

2006-05-09T11:54:00.000+09:00

The Product
The Salesman, a fornightly magazine.

The Concept
The Salesman will be a marketing magazine seen from the point of view of sales people. Topics covered will include sales wars, retail audits, great salesmen, distributors, sales networks, launches, personal selling, interesting below the line communication, advertising that worked in the market, marketing concepts simplified, logistics management, technology & salesmen, multi level marketing & innovative salesmanship. The magazine will adopt a simple and racy style rather than sound like a serious journal.

The Target Audience
a) Salesmen
b) Distributors & franchisees
c) Marketing professionals
d) Students who wish to specialise in marketing

The Pricing
20 Rupees per issue.

Why The Salesman will be a success
1) Sales people travel a lot. And they have nothing much to do during this travel. They buy a lot of magazines for timepass. If it's a relevant magazine offering useful information, there's no reason why they won't buy it.
2) The marketing literacy of sales people is low. So anything that enlightens will sell.
3) Salespeople are a huge untapped market in India. All the business magazines and newspapers talk only to the top management.
4) Distributors & retailers again are a much ignored segment. Any magazine that celebrates them is bound to be embraced. At least by the literate distributors.
5) Marketing organisations currently rely on their own salesforce for news on market shares. An objective third party opinion will be welcomed with open arms.

Who will win the Tamil Nadu polls?

2006-05-07T21:09:00.000+09:00

To arrive at the winner, I shall use a little arithmetic. Assumptions are based on news reports and my own instinct.

Total votes polled = 100

Number of votes garnered by Lok Paritran, Forward Block & T. Rajendar's Party = 1

Number of votes polled by BJP = 1.5

Number of votes polled by Pudhiya Tamizhagam = 0.5

Number of votes polled by independents and others = 2

Net votes left = 95

Number of votes vijay kanth's party will poll = 7 to 9.

Net votes left = 86 to 88.

Number of votes Vaiko + Dalit Panthers & others are expected to pull = 4

Number of votes AIADMK will poll = 39

Number of votes AIADMK front will poll = 39 + 4 = 43.

Number of votes remaining 43 to 45.

If Vijay Kanth polls 9, DMK will end up with 45 votes.

If Vijay Kanth polls 7, DMK will end up with 43.

Either way, DMK front might just pip AIADMK in the polls.

May 11th will tell us how wrong I was with my forecast.

Mandal Loophole?

2006-05-07T13:13:00.000+09:00

The 93rd Constitutional Ammendment passed by the parliament reads: Nothing in this article shall prevent the state from making any provision by law, for the advancement of any educationally backward classes of citizens or for the Scheduled Castes or Scheduled Tribes insofar as such special provisions relate to their admission to educational institutions, including private educational institutions, whether aided or unaided by the state, other than minority educational institutions referred to in Clause (1) of Article (30).

It's amply clear that the ammendment mandates reservations for the educationally backward and not for socially backward classes. I'd like you to make a mental note of this fact. This my friend, is the legal loophole we were praying for. Any affirmative action by the Government of India that deviates from the spirit of the above law, can be challenged in the Supreme Court. And my gutfeel is as always, the Supreme Court will bail us out.

The Freebie Gaana

2006-05-03T14:25:00.000+09:00

A parody of the famous 'Freeya vudu' song from the movie 'Aaru'. Created specially for the Tamil Nadu election. Parody rendered by budding singers Karunanidhi, Dayanidhi, Vaiko & Jaya.

CHORUS
Hey...Freeya kudu freeya kudu freeya kudu maamey
Voteukku illa guarantee...
Freeya kudu freeya kudu freeya kudu maamey
Num powerukku illa warranty

JAYA
Hey...Onnu rendu moonu naalu ennurathuku ulla
Un nethiyile oththa roopa ottiruvane mella

KARUNA
Hey...Onnu rendu moonu naalu ennurathuku ulla
Un nethiyile oththa roopa ottiruvane mella

DAYANIDHI
Innaikuthaan enna varutho...
Athu mattumthaane namakku sontham
Ettaan thedhi enna varumo…
Athu yaarukuthaan enna theriyum

VAIKO
Vanaanda Vanaanda Vanaanda Vanaanda
Kolgai Nambi Vaazha Vaananda...

Thambiyo...

CHORUS
Hey...Freeya kudu freeya kudu freeya kudu maamey
Voteukku illa guarantee...
Freeya kudu freeya kudu freeya kudu maamey
Num powerukku illa warranty

DAYANIDHI
Hey...Sun TV yila laabadike nenachen
Madhiyila kollai adikka thudichen
Ilavasa cyclela voter aerinaan
Kanavellaam puncture panitaan

KARUNANIDHI
Sengottiya nokki naan kelambi
Tamizhana vote kaettane virumbi
Tsunamila kasu koduthanga amma
Nee enna thara pora thirumbi...
Nu kettutaaney avan thambi

DAYANIDHI
Nermaiya votukaetta
Pazhanila motta podu
Thirunalveli alva kodutha
Sengottaikku pogum roadu

Vanaanda Vanaanda Vanaanda Vanaanda
Kolgai Nambi Vaazha Vaananda...

Thambiyo...

CHORUS
Hey...Freeya kudu freeya kudu freeya kudu maamey
Voteukku illa guarantee...
Freeya kudu freeya kudu freeya kudu maamey
Num powerukku illa warranty

VAIKO
Hey...Onnu rendu moonu naalu ennurathukkula
Aa..onnu Aa..rendu Aa..moonu

Un nethiyile otha roopa ottiruvane mella
Aa..moonu Aa..rendu Aa..onnu

[Hey...yakka...Enna sound udaama irukka...Thoramma Vaaye...]

JAYA
Koduthaaka kodi parakkum
Kolgai pesinaa kosu parakkum
Alli thandaa anal parakkum
Therinjukada bemaani

Saadhanai saadhanainu
Suththi Suththi roundu vutta
Kootathula kallu parakkum
Purinjukada Somari

VAIKO
Vottu kettu ponaa namma maari
Eezha tamizhan pathi pesina mary
Idha ellaam kettu puttu echa thupunaan
Duddu illa naan sonna avan sorry

Hey...velai vaaipu vaakurudhi palasu
Sethu samudram promise romba sirusu
Colour TVkku thaan ippo mousu
Kolgai nnu pesi na romba rousu...

Hey..Palarukkum puriyavilla
Yane kudukura thanga thaali
Sila arivaaligal ariyavila
Kuddukkala naan naanga gaali

Vanaanda Vanaanda Vanaanda Vanaanda
Kolgai Nambi Vaazha Vaananda...

Thambiyo...

CHORUS
Hey…Freeya kudu freeya kudu freeya kudu maamey
Voteukku illa guarantee...
Freeya kudu freeya kudu freeya kudu maamey
Num powerukku illa warranty

Mr. Sour Grapes' Observation

2006-05-02T16:29:00.000+09:00

The bitter reality is there is no such thing called a dream job.

A Plug For A Marketing Blog

2006-05-02T13:49:00.000+09:00

Satheesh Krishnamurthi, the author of the very commonsensical MARKETING MAAYAAJAALAM, has now started a marketing blog by the same name. Visit the blog if you like your brand martini, shaken and stirred.

Red Hot Quote # 3

2006-04-29T11:09:00.000+09:00

"Padaipavar Brahma. Kaapavar Amma. Matravar Ellaam Summa."
Starlet Babbita while campaigning for AIADMK. As quoted in Tamil daily Dinamalar.

Mandal Questions That Merit Answers

2006-04-28T15:03:00.000+09:00

Jayati Ghosh, the omnipresent apologist of the quota regime, raised a few interesting questions last night, in a verbal slugfest on CNN-IBN, hosted by the Badshah of Big Fights - Mr. Rajdeep Sardesai.

The telegenic professor from JNU chose to pose her searching queries to two hapless doctors who clearly knew more malaria than mandal. Being unequal combatants, these two medicos parried the issue with some deft tap dancing. Thankfully, Rajdeep ended their agony quickly by wrapping up the program, rather curtly.

Why I am recounting this here is, knowing the mandal lobby, they’ll parrot these questions again and again at all available fora in the near future. As the de facto assistant associate sub-spokesperson of the pro-merit group, I thought I should nip these arguments in the bud, before they can cause any further damage.

Argument-1: Tamil Nadu has had a 69% quota regime for years. How come there’s been no of whimper of protest there? How come people have accepted it?
Well, what do you do when all the political parties gang up against you and pass a law that makes a mockery of meritocracy? You approach the courts. What do you do when the court verdict is treated with contempt by the same political parties? You realise protesting is futile and you focus on joining institutions that give you an equal chance. That’s what happened in Tamil Nadu. The so-called Forward Castes stopped applying to government colleges and started getting into self-financed colleges and meritorious institutions like the IITs, IIMs, AIIMs, NIFT, etc. So it was more a case of resigned acceptance. The moment you extend this quota regime to self-financed colleges and premier institutions, you break the last straw of hope for the remaining 31% of Tamil Nadu.

Argument-2: To say that the quota regime produces mediocrity is ridiculous. Look at South India where mandal is in operation. It has some of the finest hospitals and doctors in India.
Oh yeah? That’s like the rooster taking credit for the dawn. Nothing could be farther from the truth. South India has a very fine medical reputation only because of its private hospitals. None of these hospitals hire doctors using the quota principle. On the contrary, they go purely by merit. I wonder if that’s the reason why people who mouth such arguments choose private hospitals over the mandalised government hospitals.

Argument-3: What makes you think that the OBC students are of inferior quality? How dare you assume that they can’t cope with courses in premier institutions?
Who said the OBCs are inferior? Research shows that they fare quite well in entrance examinations. So now that we have conclusive evidence that they are as good as the Forward Castes why not choose students by merit? Why give more weightage to birth certificates? Why not let the examination certificates do the talking?

Water Has Fire

2006-04-23T23:45:00.000+09:00

I rarely subject you to my opinion on movies. But I think, I'd be commiting a huge crime if I don't shout out my approval for Deepa Mehta's "Water". It's fantastic, to say the least. I wonder why our mass media hasn't yet celebrated Deepa Mehta for her masterpiece. If you liked Mira Nair's "Monsoon Wedding", you'd love this disturbingly powerful flick. Catch "Water" for its beautiful visuals, sensitive direction, and some fine performances by Sarala, Seema Biswas & Manorama. Go here for the official spiel. And here for a third party review. Me thinks "Water" is the finest film made by an Indian, in the last 3 years. What about you?

Lines from my oven # 79

2006-04-23T13:29:00.000+09:00

Work is work is work. Work by another name will still smell like sweat.

It's a free country!

2006-04-19T11:38:00.000+09:00

Where the poor get free colour TVs
Where pregnant women get 6000 bucks for nothing
Where you get 15 kilos of free rice
Where housewives get free LPG stoves
Where weavers get free power
Where the essentials will be home delivered for free
Where the humble farmer needn't repay his loans
Where you can go scot-free after making such promises

Thought Bubble # 87

2006-04-18T12:58:00.000+09:00

How can one say that time travel is not possible? We do it all the time, with our minds.

A Simple Model For Analysing Complex People

2006-04-15T11:59:00.000+09:00

I've always found people fascinating. I revel in unraveling the hidden layers, the secret agendas and the unspoken words. But when someone asks me my considered view of a person, all I am able to mouth is stuff like 'nice guy', 'decent chap', 'bitch' and other such cliches. I thought I should do something about it. Hence this model.

5 Parameters for analysing anyone.

1. BODY - MEASURED ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10.
This parameter is a summation of all things physical. Short, fat, thin, dark, paunchy, sexy, disproportionate...everything gets captured here.

2. HEART - MEASURED ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10.
This parameter measures the goodness of the person in terms of selflessness, compassion, love, grace, magnanimity and commitment.

3. MIND - MEASURED ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10.
This parameter measures the visual, verbal, analytical, mathematical and financial acumen of the person.

4. PSYCHE - MEASURED ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10.
This parameter takes into account the behavioural aspects of the person in question. Things like ability to get along with people, mood swings, complexes, wimpishness, and bouncebackability get captured here.

5. SOUL - MEASURED ON A SCALE OF 1 TO 10.
This parameter is a measure of the level of spiritual evolution of a soul. One doesn't have to be a religious guru to score a perfect 10 here. Basically it's all about how deep a person, one is.

On the face of it, the model might seem too simplistic. Before you rubbish it, I suggest you take the following steps:

STEP-1: Study the parameters. Assign the 1s and 10s in your head.

STEP-2: Apply the model to yourself. See how you evaluate yourself.

STEP-3: Then analyse a person using the same parameters.

To extract more from this model, assign your weightages for the parameters and then add up the scores. The final score will reveal where you stand vis-a-vis rest of the world. If you were as jobless as me, you will start computing the scores for historic personalities. Imagine comparing yourself to people like Albert Einstein, Adolf Hitler and Aurobindo. I swear it can be a trip.

And now, the real thing...

2006-04-13T12:29:00.000+09:00

Finally, some pro-meriters have hit the road. IIT Delhiites were the first to protest. Then the angry young men at IIT-Kanpur. And now the ballsy blokes from BHU. But is anyone listening?

Believe it or not

2006-04-11T11:39:00.000+09:00

The Mandal Commission identified 3,743 caste groups as OBCs using census data gathered in the year 1931! Our politicians have been bandying this figure ever since 1980. No one has bothered to check the economic and social status of these castes ever since. Fact Source: India Express. Link Alert: Youth Curry.

The Dreaded M-word

2006-04-11T11:18:00.000+09:00

The media is downplaying it. The politicians hate it. The discriminated see it as a hurdle. Liberals find it downright patronising. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting the most feared M-word in India, today: Merit. Any takers for it?

Mandal Politics Deconstructed

2006-04-10T12:56:00.000+09:00

Some pundits feel that the protests from the student, academic & business community will make little difference to the quota regime debate. Finally what will tilt the scales is Sonia Gandhi’s performance at the hustings. So I’ve done a scenario analysis of the Assembly Polls. If you’re pro-Mandal, hope for Scenario-1. If you’re pro-Merit, pray for Scenario-4.

SCENARIO-1

Assam
Congress wins

Tamil Nadu
DMK + Congress + Left Wins

Kerala
UDF wins

West Bengal
Leftists win

Result
Congress will attribute victory to Sonia’s sacrifices and Mandal.

Repercussions
Congress will implement Mandal aggressively with an eye on OBC votes in the cow belt. Left will be forced to stick with Congress.

After Effects
49.5% at all private colleges will become a reality. Demand for reservations in private companies will grow.

SCENARIO-2

Assam
Congress wins

Tamil Nadu
DMK + Congress + Left wins

Kerala
LDF wins

West Bengal
Leftists win

Result
Congress will attribute victory to Sonia’s sacrifices. Leftists & DMK will pressurize congress to implement Mandal.

Repercussions
Congress will be forced to implement Mandal.

After Effects
49.5% at all private colleges will become a reality.

SCENARIO-3

Assam
Hung Assembly. Congress forms government with difficulty.

Tamil Nadu
DMK + Congress + Left wins

Kerala
LDF wins

West Bengal
Leftists win

Result
Congress will get cautious. Leftists very aggressive.

Repercussions
Congress will drag its feet as it won’t want to lose its middle class base. Leftists will start pressurizing the government. Might even topple the UPA government over this issue.

After Effects
49.5% regime might be referred to a committee.

SCENARIO-4

Assam
Hung Assembly. AGP forms government.

Tamil Nadu
AIADMK wins

Kerala
LDF wins

West Bengal
Leftists win

Result
Congress will get introspective. Mandal will be blamed. Third Front will get jubilant.

Repercussions
Left parties might entertain visions of coming to power by tying up with the Third Front. Might dump Congress over Mandal implementation. Congress will bury the Mandal report but might be forced to take a stand on it in its Manifesto for the next Lok Sabha elections.

After Effects
49.5% implementation will be deferred till next Lok Sabha election. Or till Supreme Court clarifies the position.

NOTE: I’ve not mentioned BJP anywhere as it’s irrelevant in the poll. If it manages to do well in Assam and Scenario-4 happens, BJP might play the same game as Congress. As in, dilly dally over Mandal.

The Goose That Killed The Golden Eggs

2006-04-10T11:22:00.000+09:00

First they said the IITs and the IIMs. Then they added the Central Universities to the hit list. After that the whispers started about including premier private institutes. Now they've decided to finger elite residential schools in metros. The latest I hear is, soon the Indian government plans to extend the 49.5% quota regime to private companies. Allah, is desh ka kya hoga?

How To Beat Mandal

2006-04-09T12:03:00.000+09:00

All is not lost. We can still save the IITs and IIMs from Arjun Singh's Quota Raj. The way out is easy. Just rename the IITs as Islamic Institutes of Technology and the IIMs as Islamic Institutes of Management. And then ask the boards of these premier institutes to declare themselves as minority institutions. This way the 49.5% regime will become null and void because you cannot force reservations on minority institutions. A luscious legal loophole indeed. Think about it.

Hey you, zombie!

2006-04-08T18:39:00.000+09:00

Yeah, that's right. I am talking to you rhino-hide. If you think this Mandal issue is about some rich-ass IITians and IIM grads, then forget it. The shit's gonna hit the ceiling soon. Because Minister of Generosity - Arjun Singh, has indicated that he'll go the whole nine yards with the 104th ammendment. On his hitlist are AIIMS Delhi, JIPMER Pondichery, CMC Vellore, the NIFTs, the NIDs, the IHMs, Central Universities, the FTIIs, All Private Engineering Colleges, Medical Colleges, MBA Institutes and believe it or not even schools like DPS and Doon won't be spared! So what are you gonna do now? Lemme take one guess: nothing.

The 104th Joke At Our Expense

2006-04-08T11:42:00.000+09:00

On 27th December, 2005 when most of us were making plans for new year bashes, our parliamentarians were making plans for burying meritocracy. On that wretched day, 379 of the 381 members present in the Lok Sabha dared to pass the 104th Ammendment to our constitution providing reservations for the socially and educationally backward classes, in all private aided and unaided educational institutions. Minister of Generosity - Arjun Singh, is now using this very weapon to deliver the final blow. And as usual no one is protesting. All I can say is Mera Bharat Mahaan!

The Silence of the Lambs

2006-04-08T11:28:00.000+09:00

Just discovered a beautiful poem by Martin Niemöller. Written during the Nazi era, it kinda sums up the state of the Indian middle class who remain silent, no matter what.

When they came for the communists,
I remained silent;
I was not a communist.

When they locked up the social democrats,
I remained silent;
I was not a social democrat.

When they came for the trade unionists,
I did not speak out;
I was not a trade unionist.

When they came for the Jews,
I did not speak out;
I was not a Jew.

When they came for me,
there was no one left to speak out.

The Big Idea of the Year

2006-04-07T10:57:00.000+09:00

A big idea is one that's very extendable. If that's the criteria, then Arjun Singh, the new messiah of the under privileged, deserves a hajaar har har mahadevs. Because inadvertently he has just picked a bright idea from the garbage of history. I am talking about his proposal to reserve 49.5% of the seats in the IIMs, IITs and Central Universities to SCs, STs and OBCs. The idea is truly remarkable and deserves to be taken to its logical conclusion. If the thinking is to give the backward sections as much access to positions they've never held before, then there is so much more we could do as a nation, if we apply this 49.5% principle to the following institutions...

1. The Union Cabinet
2. The Parliament
3. The State Assemblies
4. The Supreme Court
6. The High Courts
7. The Indian Army
8. The Indian Airforce
9. The Indian Navy
10. The Indian Cricket Team
11. The Indian Hockey Team
12. Indian Space Research Organisation (ISRO)
13. DRDO (Defence Research Development Organisation)
14. National Security Council (The one that shapes our defence policies)
15. National Defence Academy (Not to be confused with the ragtag coalition NDA)
16. Border Security Force (BSF)
17. RAW (Research & Analysis Wing)
18. CBI (Central Bureau of Investigation)
19. IB (Intelligence Bureau)
20. State Police
21. Indian Olympic Squad
22. Atomic Energy Commission
23. Reserve Bank of India
24. Rapid Action Force (RAF)
25. AICC- The policy making body of the Congress(I).

Don't you see the possibilities? Isn't the idea staggering in its sweep? If you think so, I suggest you doff your forward-casteist, blue-blooded hats to his majesty Arjun Singh.

Tamil Nadu's Santa Claus & His Mathemagic

2006-04-07T02:58:00.000+09:00

In a fit of large heartedness Saint Karunanidhi made the following election promises:

a) Free LPG stoves to all poor families.
b) Quality rice for Rs. 2 per kg for ration card holders.
c) Free colour TV sets to every family.
d) Employment Opportunity to 3 lakh unemployed youth.
e) Assistance of 1000 per month for 6 months for pregnant women.
f) Free power to weavers.
g) Waiver of cooperative loans to farmers.
h) Reservations for minorities.

To help you fathom the magnitude of this gesture, I've done some basic mathematics. I would appreciate if you go through it at leisure...

PROMISE-A: Free LPG Stove
Google tells me that there are at least 26 lakh families living below poverty line in Tamil Nadu. If one stove were to cost even 500 rupees, the cost of this proposal will be Rs. 130 crores.

PROMISE B: Rice for Rs. 2
Google tells me that there are 1.61 crore ration card holders in Tamil Nadu who will be eligible for this scheme. I gather rice is currently sold at Rs. 3.50 a kilo. Even if you assume it's sold for Rs. 3, Saint Karunanidhi is giving a subsidy of Rs. 1 per kg of rice. For simplicity of calculation, I shall assume 10 Kilos of Rice are consumed in a family. Which in turn means, this proposal will cost Rs. 16 crores at the least.

PROMISE C: Free Colour TV
Saint Karunanidhi in his infinite wisdom has now decreed he would dispense with 53 lakh colour TVs in the first 2 years. Assuming the government is able to source cheap Chinese colour TVs for Rs. 5000, this would mean 2650 crores.

PROMISE D: Employment for the unemployed
The 3 lakh unemployed youth that Saint Karunanidhi has in mind is rural youth with no fancy qualifications. Assuming each of these blokes earn at least 60,000 a year and the cost of creating these jobs as 10% of the salary, that would be 6000 x 3 lakhs = 180 crores.

Promise E: Pregnant women allowance
The Saint has sworn that he shall give 1000 a month for 6 months for all pregnant women. That's like 6000 for every pregnant woman. Assuming, he does a flip flop on this and ends up giving this amount to just 1 lakh pregnant women, this would add up to Rs. 60 crores.

Promise F: Free Power to Weavers
I have no clue on the cost of this, I am being niggardly and allocating 50 crores for this proposal.

Promise G: Loan Waivers
Since google didn't offer me any numbers to crunch on, I am going to put a very conservative ballpark figure of Rs. 100 crores as the outflow this proposal.

Promise H: Reservation
My sixth sense tells me the Supreme Court will strike down this generous gift from the Saint.

If I add up the costs, the sum will be roughly 3000 crores. That's like 10% of Tamil Nadu's annual budget. For a state that's just started making money, this will be one helluva shock to absorb.

One more interesting observation: There are around 4 crore voters in Tamil Nadu. And Saint Karunanidhi is offering goodies worth Rs. 3000 crores. That's like Rs. 750 per voter!

But is 750 bucks a good price for your vote? We'll know on May 8th.

Tamil Nadu Riddle

2006-04-04T12:16:00.000+09:00

Will the captain help the fat lady by stealing a significant portion of the old man's votes?

Lines from my oven # 11

2006-03-26T13:00:00.000+09:00

Parallel cinema is for geometricians.

TELECOM ALERT

2006-03-24T12:19:00.000+09:00

Beware of voice mails from Sonia Gandhi. Because apparently she uses two voices - an outer voice that tries to mimic Indira Gandhi and an inner voice that apes Mahatma Gandhi.

Uncannily Similar Names

2006-03-20T16:12:00.000+09:00

Raul = Rahul
Neil = Neel
O'Neal = Anil
Dylan = Dhillon
Paul = Pal
Jacob = Yakub
Schenker = Shankar
Mary = Maari
Capel = Kapil
Jeffrey = Jaffri
Abraham = Ibrahim
Keenan = Kannan
Roger = Raja
Watson = Vatsan
Curien = Kurian
Aaron = Arun
Shaw = Shah
Samuel = Ismail
Sandra = Chandra
Seymour = Sameer
Wier = Veer
Nina = Naina
Megan = Megana
Batey = Bhatti
Ayer = Iyer
Cole = Kohl = Kaul
Segal = Saigal
Mulhoney = Malhani
Harris = Harish
Rowe = Rao

Thought Bubble # 365

2006-03-17T21:01:00.000+09:00

There's no point in going faster or slower. If the Earth revolved around the Sun in 88 days, it would be Mercury. If it did the same job in 248 years, it would be Pluto. Moral: Go at your own pace.

Thought Bubble # 88

2006-03-15T14:04:00.000+09:00

First, there was chaos. Then came the government.
Then followed anarchy.

Lines from my oven # 245

2006-03-09T21:34:00.000+09:00

The only tax I really care about is my syntax.

A Collector's Items

2006-03-06T02:09:00.000+09:00

Oxygen.
Food.
Attention.
Smiles.
Toys.
Friends.
Sea shells.
Marks.
Certificates.
Stamps.
CDs.
Games.
Books.
Movies.
Trivia.
Affairs.
Degrees.
Approval.
Freedom.
Fantasies.
Disappointments.
Jobs.
Vehicles.
Happiness.
Money.
Solutions.
Appreciation.
Promotions.
Trust.
Soulmates.
Sex.
Children.
Space.
Contacts.
Wealth.
Recognition.
Respect.
Experiences.
Answers.
Cures.
Compassion.
Peace.

Thought Bubble # 33

2006-03-06T00:29:00.000+09:00

American voters make a mistake every four years.
Indian voters make one in five.

Red Hot Quote # 2

2006-03-03T18:57:00.000+09:00

"This is Santa Claus negotiating. The goal seems to have been to give away as much as possible."
George Perkovich on George Dubya Bush's nuclear deal with Manmohan Singh.

Today's Special

2006-03-01T11:58:00.000+09:00

Which perfume brand is Praveen Togadia least likely to use? And why?
Christian Dior. Because he may think it's a Vatican conspiracy to spread the fragrance of Jesus.

Red Hot Quote # 1

2006-03-01T01:44:00.000+09:00

"The only thing rising faster than China is the hype about China."
Minxin Pei, The Dark Side of China’s Rise

Thought Bubble # 55

2006-02-27T12:39:00.000+09:00

When the system beater becomes larger than the system, the system purges out the system beater.

Lines from my oven # 61

2006-02-25T13:07:00.000+09:00

Calligraphers are invariably the nice types.

Today's Special

2006-02-23T20:49:00.000+09:00

Sicken Tikka Masala.

Thought Bubble # 97

2006-02-18T13:21:00.000+09:00

An average man loses 9000 braincells a day. That means, as a nation we lose 9 billion braincells every day. No wonder our public memory is short.

Lines from my oven # 25

2006-02-12T15:36:00.000+09:00

Truth never won a beauty contest.

Split Personality

2006-02-12T13:48:00.000+09:00

You see salvation. I see stone.
You see a president. I see a dictator.
You say ‘that’s good’. I say that’s politically correct.
You see bloodshed. I see population control.
You see never-say-die. I see a loser.
You say ‘so sad’. I say ‘serves him right’.
You say love. I say lust.
You see children. I see problems.
You see nice gestures. I see favours.
You feel guilty. I feel nothing.
You keep your cool. I burn with rage.
You hold your tears back. I cry like a child.
You see sportsmen. I see businessmen.
You live in the future. I am a prisoner of the past.
You take shit. I wanna quit.
You clap. I want applause.
You listen. I talk.
You say, ‘we did it’. I say ‘I did it’.
You see the face. I see the wart.
You want to be me. I want to be you.

Thought Bubble # 48

2006-02-09T00:35:00.000+09:00

What if China attempts a military take over of Singapore & Malaysia? How will the world react? How will India react?

Lines from my oven # 11

2006-02-09T00:31:00.000+09:00

Intel employees have a chip on their shoulder.

Thought Bubble # 47

2006-02-03T01:38:00.000+09:00

Death is nature's cure for boredom.

Lines from my oven # 65

2006-01-30T11:47:00.000+09:00

Destiny writes lousy headlines.

Thought Bubble # 101

2006-01-27T13:52:00.000+09:00

There are six types of people: Haves, Wannahaves, Willhaves, Cannothaves, Shouldnothaves and Willnothaves.

The Time to Leave

2006-01-24T23:12:00.000+09:00

When you get a black eye without applying kaajal,
When you become the pressure cooker in your kitchen,
When you start swallowing your pride at the dinner table,
When you feel like a wingless bird in a concrete cage,
When your chats with near and dear get monosyllabic,
When wails and whimpers become your signature tune,
When your only cocoon of comfort is your office cubicle,
When a kitchen knife becomes your weapon of self-defense,
When your smile hides more than it can reveal,
When you get your daily dose of salt from your tears,
When every knock on the door makes you quiver with fear,
When you’ve lost the key to your locked rage,
When your Adam eavesdrops on your telephone conversations,
When the word trust disappears from your lexicon,
When your tender skin discovers the fiery side of a cigarette butt,
When your wedding anniversary becomes a painful milestone,
When you begin to think you're a punching bag,
When the last thing you get is breathing space,
When you lose that last straw of self worth,
When life begins to look like a serial spook show,
When he wants to remote control your mind,
When he gets stingy with appreciation and liberal with criticism,
When he smells a conspiracy every time you cook food,
When he flushes your ego down the toilet,
When he arm-twists you into accepting his choice,
When he shushes you into hapless silence,
When he taxes you for earning money,
When he whips you almost daily with an acerbic tongue lash,
When he sows doubts about your sanity,
When he cons you into thinking you have nowhere to go…

Thought Bubble # 76

2006-01-18T19:40:00.000+09:00

The number of people who care about you is inversely proportional to your age.

Thought Bubble # 128

2006-01-16T00:50:00.000+09:00

In the end, we'll realise that the Earth was just a Desire Laboratory.

Lines from my oven # 10

2006-01-16T00:48:00.000+09:00

The best laid plans get laid.

Thought Bubble # 231

2006-01-12T02:20:00.000+09:00

Disappointment is an acquired taste.

The Human Stock Exchange

2006-01-09T03:12:00.000+09:00

I’ve had this thought swirling in my head for nearly a week. It refuses to vacate my head until I give it expression. I’ve tried burying it, ignoring it and killing it. But it just refuses to go away. Looks like, the only honorable way out is to share it with you people. Since I have very little time on my hands, I have chosen to write a small concept note to explain it. Go through this note. And feel free to build the Human Stock Exchange (HSE) if you have the capital.

What is the Human Stock Exchange?
An offspring of venture capitalism and investment banking, HSE is a global stock exchange where you can invest in individuals based on their plans, ambitions, track record and potential. The Human Stock Exchange will be a paperless electronic exchange where one can buy and sell: overheated stocks like Shahrukh Khan, Vishwanathan Anand, Mahendra Singh Dhoni, Roger Federer, Steve Jobs; under appreciated stocks like Jonathan Ive, Pullela Gopichand, Jesuraj, Arshad Warsi; and unknown stocks like you and me.

How will it work?
Any person above 5, with a passport and an international bank account can decide to raise capital by listing in HSE. To list in HSE, one must pay an upfront fee of say 100 dollars. And then using a HSE format one must first declare all the relevant information required for a public issue including who are you, where are you from, what is your educational background or skill you possess, where do you work, what is your financial status, what do you wish to do, how much do you need to achieve your goal, what is the issue price you have in mind, how many shares are up for grabs etc. HSE shall authenticate these details. And once it’s sure you’ve stated the truth you can get listed and go for an issue. Any investor sitting anywhere in the world can become a stakeholder via the Internet. After your stock is listed, daily trading can take place. The price will surely be a function of your potential and performance. Declaring dividends is the prerogative of the individual who went in for an IPO. The stakeholders can make their money by trading the shares.

What’s so great about it?
Currently, if an individual needs money for a project he needs to tap banks, venture capitalists or moneylenders at exorbitant rates. And this process can be quite painful. The kinda people who get capital are usually extremely well qualified people or well connected folks. The average Joe gets the cold shoulder. Human Stock Exchange solves this anomaly. It lets the individual make one pitch to the world via the Internet on why he needs the money. If people are sold on it, they will park their funds. The beauty of HSE is creative, motivated, passionate, well deserving people can access funds from the world by cutting out the middlemen (read banks, mutual funds, venture capitalists, merchant bankers etc.). To illustrate this with an example, let us say Kamal Hassan wants to make a project called Marudhunayakam. He needn’t beg big studios for money. Or he needn’t contact shady film producers for capital. All he has to do is to list himself in HSE. He will have to state the project cost. And make a pitch on why he believes, the project will work. Once he raises money, he has to give daily updates (via a blog) on the status of the project. If the project is a success, he will share the profits with the stakeholders. If the project is a failure, it will mar his future chances of raising any money.

What are the risks involved?
The risk is more than that of a company or commodity stock. Because if the individual dies, falls ill or has an accident, the capital invested is gone. Whereas in the case of a company, if one CEO dies, you can hire someone else and the capital will still be intact. Another risk is embezzlement of funds for personal use. But this issue can be resolved if a regulatory body is created to keep a hawk eye on the persons invested.

What about returns?
Returns are huge if you invest early in dark horses and potential talents. Imagine if you had spotted Sachin Tendulkar’s talent early and had helped his father float the Sachin Tendulkar stock... the thing about HSE is it rewards fans, cheerleaders and supporters of talented people.

Who will benefit from HSE?
Indie filmmakers, painters, doctors, scientists, thinkers, small entrepreneurs, inventors, farmers, traders, sportsmen, musicians, child prodigies…basically a whole lot of people who’ve remained untouched by banks and stock markets.

What are the checks and balances?
The Human Stock Exchange will use the power of the Internet to offer transparency. Every listed individual has to have a blog where one can get full information on the person in question. The blog will also serve as an interaction point between the investors and the person who wants funds. Daily updates from the individual will give the investors a clue about where the project is headed. If the individual lies, the bloggers will get to know sooner or later. Since HSE is all about faith and trust, the moment you lose it, the market will discount your stock value and you will have a tarnished track record, all your life. An annual audit statement on the deployment of the capital may help cement this faith.

How will the HSE make money?
HSE’s two key revenue sources will be the listing fee and the brokerage on daily transactions.

Can the HSE as a concept work?
In concept, I think this is sound. The execution may be a logistical nightmare. But thanks to breakthroughs like blogs, broadband connections and BPOs, this is very much feasible today.

What will be the effect of a Human Stock Exchange?
The biggest effect will be - the deserving will be able to access capital at the click of a button.

Thought Bubble # 21

2006-01-02T11:15:00.000+09:00

Realisation is not a paperback that can be bought off the shelf.

Thought Bubble # 20

2006-01-01T13:29:00.000+09:00

A man exists for 25,000 days. And is alive for just a day or two.

Lines from my oven # 10

2006-01-01T13:22:00.000+09:00

I cannot tolerate intolerance.

Lines from my oven # 9

2005-12-29T17:52:00.000+09:00

If you wanna make a period film, try Whisper or Stayfree.

Thought Bubble # 19

2005-12-24T01:55:00.000+09:00

How long will we keep clapping for others?

Confessions of a Potty Animal

2005-12-17T15:27:00.000+09:00

My white skin friend was shopping for a wild potty. I showed him Elton John in Bangalore. Then La Loo in Patna. And followed it up with Ramu Loo in Hyderabad. But he was not at all impressed. He told me, he was looking for a colourful potty with all the trappings of power. I jogged my memory and handed over this handy catalogue to him:

Congress Potty
Italian style Indian toilet.
Available since 1947.
In all shady colours you can imagine.
Tried and tested by the Gandhi dynasty.
Voted best Indian potty many, many times.
Needs to be greased often to get the job done.
A hot favourite with secular crappers.
Currently dysfunctional in the cow belt.
Plus: Stability. Minus: Stinks in an emergency.

Bharatiya Janata Potty
The great Indian Swadesi toilet.
Made by the Sangh Parivar.
For the Hindu Undivided Family.
Available since 1980.
In a riot of colours. Usually Saffron.
Used and abused by Vajpayee & Advani.
Now run by a generation of bullshitters.
Can flush ideology down the toilet, if the need arises.
Turns leaky when out of power.
Has the rare ability to self-destruct.
Plus: Homegrown. Minus: Never seats the minority.

Communist Potty of India (Marxist)
Soviet styled toilets. Imported from China.
In vogue since 1950s.
Installed first in Kerala by EMS Namboodripad.
Made for the progressives.
Aids the progress of the likes of Harkishen Singh Surjeet.
Fully functional only when the clock strikes work.
Never known to take any crap from capitalists.
Liberals and Jholawalas think it’s hot shit.
Works only in Kerala, West Bengal & Tripura.
Plus: Predictable. Minus: Outdated Johnnies.

Communist Potty of India
Red toilets for the working class.
Handles leftovers of the Marxist potty.
Has no standalone working models in India.
Plus: Liberal shit. Minus: Conservative imagination.

Samajwadi Potty
Sulabh Sauchalay for Yadavs, Muslims and now Thakurs.
Operasanal only in Uttar Prades.
Created for Mulayam Incorprated.
Promoted by Amar Singh.
Endorsed by Jaya Bachchan & Jayaprada.
Handles shitloads of work only when there’s ghoos motion.
Otherwise functions only during chunavs.
Plus: Empowers the constipated. Minus: Flushes only for the family.

Bahujan Samaj Potty
Toilets reserved for the pichuadeys of the pichdey varg.
Exploited for the exploited by Mayawati.
Resting place for turncoats.
Available in Ambedkarite shades of blue.
Plus: Reliably unreliable. Minus: Kisses anyone’s rear.

Guess what my white skin buddy did with this potty catalogue? He used it as toilet paper :-(

Thought Bubble # 18

2005-12-12T11:46:00.000+09:00

Why is it that no one experiences the 'Friday Evening Blues'?

Lines from my oven # 8

2005-12-03T12:39:00.000+09:00

Unsolved problems beget unsolveable problems.

Thought Bubble # 17

2005-11-30T13:24:00.000+09:00

Can a man be a particle and a wave at the same time? I think so. Here's my proof. To a celestial observer whose one second is equivalent to one human day, a man will appear like a listless vibrating molecule following a random path, often colliding with other molecules. The observer's point of view will be akin to time lapse sequences on a fast forward mode shot from the top. The celestial observer will see the man as a wave while a fellow man on earth will see the man as a particle.

Thought Bubble # 16

2005-11-28T11:19:00.000+09:00

I think it's about time the world switched to a 4-day week. We spend too much of energy on trivial work matters and too little on creative pursuits. The more we delink ourselves from bread and butter issues, the more our chances of creating something.