Sunday, March 20, 2005

The Mocksford English Dictionary

Aren’t you tired of using the same old words? I am.
So I coined 51 new nouns and adjectives to amuse myself.
See if these terms fill a tiny void in your vocabulary.

1. PEEGLOO (pee-gloo)
Meaning: The great Indian open-air toilet. Constructed on a need-to-pee basis. Built at will on roadsides, pavements, fields and deserted corners.
Usage: In case of emergency I don’t mind using the peegloo.

2. MENUSIZING (menu-size-zing)
Meaning: Downsizing the order after glancing at the price list in the menu.
Usage: We went to the Taj. We ended up eating French Fries thanks to some menusizing.

3. BIOPUFFING (bio-puff-fing)
Meaning: All the spiced up stuff in a resumé. Put in with a desire to increase employability.
Usage: With some biopuffing, even George Dubya Bush can look like an Einstein.

4. GOCHIMINH (go-chee-min)
Meaning: A system beater who has an instinctive feel for the loopholes.
Usage: Dhirubhai Ambani is a classic example of how far a Gochiminh can go.

5. DOLLY COMPLEX (doll-lee-com-plex)
Meaning: The insecurity that seizes the original when the clone becomes more popular.
Usage: Why does Sachin fail when Sehwag clicks? Is it the Dolly Complex?

6. THOOKSTER (thoook-stir)
Meaning: One who generously parts with his saliva. By spitting it out on the streets.
Usage: If you want to paint the town red, call the paan chewing thooksters.

7. TYPOCHONDRIAC (type-o-con-dree-ack)
Meaning: A chronic user of the spell check.
Usage: I may be a typochondriac, but please don’t call me Dan Quayle.

8. STARE CROW (stare-cro)
Meaning: An unapologetic lech.
Usage: My boss is a stare crow. He always talks to my chest.

9. POUNCE SYNDROME (pounce-sin-drome)
Meaning: Blaming the usual suspects when things go wrong.
Usage: If India loses the South African Series, Saurav Ganguly would be dropped because of the Pounce Syndrome.

10. INVISIBLE INC (in-visy-ble-ink)
Meaning: A dignified euphemism for staying-at-home-and-looking-for-a-job.
Usage: I was a copywriter in Mudra. Now I work for Invisible Inc.

11. NUMISLOGIC (new-miss-logic)
Meaning: Deciding something by the toss of a coin.
Usage: May be some day we might resolve the Kashmir issue by using numislogic.

12. TELEGENIE (tell-lee-jeeny)
Meaning: Someone who appears magical only on television. In reality is pretty ordinary.
Usage: If the BJP has to get out of its current morass it needs to junk its telegenies.

13. EUREKA-FORBED (you-ray-ka-fore-bd)
Meaning: Buying something you’ll never use from a slick salesman.
Usage: I used my vacuum cleaner just once. I don’t know why I bought it. May be I got Eureka-Forbed.

14. TEMPLOYEE (temp-ploy-ee)
Meaning: A temporary employee.
Usage: My gut feel is Manmohan Singh is a temployee.

15. LEWDONYM (lewd-o-nim)
Meaning: An offensive sounding covert name adopted by people to get noticed in chat rooms.
Usage: Puckmyfussy is the funniest lewdonym I’ve seen on yahoo.

16. GREEN ECHO (green-eco)
Meaning: The envy tinged good-for-you on the lips of colleagues when you get a raise, a promotion, an award or a better job.
Usage: When Lagaan got its Oscar nomination, Ashutosh Gowarikar had his fill of green echoes from Bollywood.

17. MAILOPHILIST (mail-o-fill-list)
Meaning: A collector of email Ids. Especially if it’s a freebie.
Usage: Sirish is a mailophilist. At last count, he had 7 gmail ids.

18. BLAHVARIA (bla-vary-yeah)
Meaning: The makeshift venue for office gossip.
Usage: Boss has been sacked. I heard it in Blahvaria.

19. SLOPPYCAT (slop-pee-cat)
Meaning: Anyone who gives the impression of being messy with a clear desire to appear untrustworthy.
Usage: The pleasure of being a sloppycat is nobody dumps work on you.

20. TANKRUPT (tank-crupt)
Meaning: The state when you run out of gas, petrol or fuel.
Usage: I was driving into the jungle when I went tankrupt.

21. PEANUT YARN (pee-nut-yaan)
Meaning: The official story put out when a company gives a piddly sum as raise to its employees.
Usage: It’s not funny. While the performers always get a peanut yarn, the bosses take home obese pay hikes.

22. LOOP GIFT (loop-gift)
Meaning: The gift that gets palmed off to someone else as a gift.
Usage: 20% of the wedding gifts are worth keeping. The other 80% make lovely loop gifts.

23. CHUMPY (chum-pee)
Meaning: The irritable state of women during that time of the month.
Usage: Never ask for a raise from your boss when she’s chumpy.

24. TEXTACY (tex-ta-see)
Meaning: The addictive urge to send SMS messages to someone you love.
Usage: When he is not talking to her, Brian is on textacy.

25. GOOGLEDYGOOK (goo-gle-di-gook)
Meaning: All the rubbish that one tends to believe after mindless googling.
Usage: The Internet has loads of useful stuff and loads of googledygook.

26. COMMITTEED (com-mit-teed)
Meaning: The act of burying an issue with a spade called a committee.
Usage: The Bofors issue has been committeed. It will be a miracle if the truth sees the light of the day.

27. Q-BIST (cube-bist)
Meaning: One who’s mastered the art of jumping the queue.
Usage: The only way to watch a first day first show in Chennai is to be a Q-bist.

28. PRESS SENTENCE (press-sen-tense)
Meaning: Trial by the media. Where the accused is declared guilty by newspapers even before proper investigation.
Usage: It’s a pity the Shankaracharya has been press sentenced by the yellow journals.

29. QUITTERITIS (quit-ter-ai-tis)
Meaning: The itch to quit a company.
Usage: After the promotion list was announced, the company has been hit by quitteritis.

30. JUSTIN TIMER (just-tin-time-err)
Meaning: One who’s notorious for starting and finishing things at the last minute.
Usage: I may be a Justin Timer, but I get things done.

31. GASTRONOT (gas-tro-naught)
Meaning: One who farts and acts as if some one else did it.
Usage: When it gets unbearable, the one who walks away first is invariably the gastronot.

32. GLASS MIDAS (glass-mid-ass)
Meaning: Anything he touches turns fragile.
Usage: Sivaji Ganesan was a Glass Midas. Any political party he joined broke up bigtime.

33. PSEUDOCLOCKING (sew-dough-clock-king)
Meaning: The act of keeping your clock ahead of the actual time so that you have enough buffer to land up on time.
Usage: Despite my pseudoclocking, I reached the office around lunchtime.

34. GUESSAURUS (guess-saw-russ)
Meaning: The walking dictionary in your vicinity, to whom you turn to for all your synonyms & antonyms.
Usage: Jaswant Singh must have been Vajpayee’s guessaurus.

35. REYNOLD’S MYSTERY (rey-nols-miss-terry)
Meaning: Any unexplained phenomenon not worth probing.
Etymology: Thousands of people lose their Reynold’s pen everyday. Nobody knows where it goes and who flicks it.
Usage: Matchfixing is no Reynold’s Mystery. It needs an in-depth enquiry.

36. BLURBOLOGIST (blurb-awl-logist)
Meaning: One who pretends to be an expert after reading a book blurb, a movie or music review.
Usage: Quizzers are blurbologists. They know a little about a lot.

37. MABENMANIAC (maa-behn-may-niac)
Meaning: One who peppers his conversation with foul-mouthed prefixes or suffixes.
Usage: Some film stars I know are Mabenmaniacs. Their conversation should get a PG rating.

38. TOPPERAZZI (top-per-raat-zee)
Meaning: A campus label applicable to those who chase the topper a few hours before exams hoping for some eleventh hour enlightenment.
Usage: If you can’t be the topper, you better be the topperazzi.

39. DISCOUNT DRACULA (dis-count-drak-kyula)
Meaning: One who kills a market by undercutting.
Usage: Akai is the perfect example of a Discount Dracula.

40. CUBICLE MIME (cuby-cal-mime)
Meaning: The charade of acting busy in office.
Usage: Boss always sits in a corner with a serious look. But the whole office knows he’s a master at cubicle mime.

41. LAGNOSTIC (lag-noss-stick)
Meaning: One who believes in doing things at a leisurely pace.
Usage: A Lagnostic at work is like a snail in slow motion.

42. ELKEBALL (el-kay-ball)
Meaning: A thoroughly disgusting chap.
Usage: The elkeballs at the income tax office don’t even know to use a comp.

43. CELL DEAF (sell-def)
Meaning: Ducking calls after seeing the caller id.
Usage: I don’t think he’s in a meeting. He’s just playing cell deaf.

44. RUBBER BANK (rub-ba-bank)
Meaning: One who’s notorious for issuing bouncy cheques.
Usage: Don’t ever lend money to him. He’s a rubber bank.

45. VEXCUSE (vex-kyoose)
Meaning: The ‘honourable’ reasons cited for quitting a company when the quitter is dead sure that no one is willing to listen to the real reasons.
Usage: When I put in my papers, my vexcuse was I wanted to do snorkeling in Timbuktu.

46. PEN CHEWER (pen-choo-ver)
Meaning: One who’s in the midst of ideation.
Usage: He’s an airhead. He can never be a pen chewer.

47. KINBANG (kin-bang)
Meaning: The nameless, faceless gang of relatives who thrust themselves on you.
Usage: I had planned a quiet wedding. I didn’t budget for the kinbang.

48. DUDRENALINE (dud-re-null-lin)
Meaning: The rush of blood that results in disastrous consequences.
Usage: Saurav Ganguly will be a good test player if he can temper his dudrenaline.

49. AVICHUTE (av-shoot)
Meaning: Bird dropping.
Usage: The lunch served at office tastes like avichute.

50. TWINCOMERS (twin-cummers)
Meaning: Double income couple with no kids.
Usage: Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt must be the richest twincomers.

51. ZOOTRILLA (zoot-rill-la)
Meaning: A rarely used word.
Usage: If not for the common people the f-word would have become a zootrilla.


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