Sunday, April 10, 2005

Sigmund Fraud's Periodic Table of Lovers

This seminal work may not win the Nobel Prize for Chemistry but it will at least provide you the wherewithal to classify the male species into 110 love types.

1. Hide-rogen (notated by H)
The no-hoper secret lover you see in campuses. He hides his feelings because of the fear of heartbreaks.

2. Hehehe-lium (notated by He)
Sense of humour is his aphrodisiac. This light heart can set any heart aflame.

3. Lithe-ium (notated by Li)
He is Mr.Proposer. If one honey pot says no, he moves on to the next one with consummate ease.

4. Berry-lium (notated by Be)
He’s in it for the passion fruits. And he’s pretty open about it. Don’t expect heart to heart chats with this physical beast.

5. Bore-on (notated by B)
The geekish lover who doesn’t have a clue about mushy talk. He’s the type who’ll unabashedly discuss cricket or formula 1 on a date.

6. Car-borne (notated by C)
The pickup man. His car is his USP. His idea of romance is speeding down the highway. His chick often wonders if he loves his car more than her.

7. Night-rogen (notated by N)
This city slicker is a charmer. He’s the type who’ll smooth talk his girl into spending the night with him.

8. Oxygent (notated by O)
He gives his girl the one thing that others don’t - breathing space. The catch, ‘I mind my business, you mind yours.’

9. Flu-rin (notated by F)
Mr. Goody-two-shoes who scores brownie points with girls by winning their sympathy when they’re down with flu.

10. Knee-on (notated by Ne)
The formula romantic who has a penchant for candle-light dinners, pink hearts, serenading and proposing by going down on his knees.

11. So-sodium (notated by Na)
Mr. Lazy bum. He goes through the motions of romance with great fuss. He’s the type who’ll pull the plug if his girl demands too much attention or energy.

12. Magnanium (notated by Mg)
Usually a public school product, he’s your predictably chivalrous lover. He’ll open doors, offer seats and act very gora. If you really look closer you can spot his desi colours.

13. Alumni-ium (notated by Al)
DPS IIT IIM. DPS IIT IIM. DPS IIT IIM. He yaks about his school, college, pals, pranks and his Profs all the time. He plays the alumnus card with a clear desire to make himself appear more attractive.

14. Sillycon-ium (notated by Si)
The pompous ass who makes up stories to market himself. A huge failure with chicks, he shrugs it off by saying, ‘too bad, it’s their loss’.

15. Prosperus (notated by P)
He’s the archetypal ameer beta. He seeks a Mills & Boonian romance by courting chicks with his wealth muscle. And rarely fails.

16. Sulker (notated by S)
Often seen with a Guru Duttesque expression. A sensitive introvert he regales women with sher aur shayari. His idea of a perfect date is going to a play.

17. Close-in (notated by Cl)
He is the fastest off the block when it comes to women. He swoops on his prey even if his chances are remote. An open flirt, he has no skeletons in his closet.

18. Hour-Gone (notated by Ar)
Mr. Late Lateef. He pisses off the opposite sex by arriving late at the rendezvous point. And ends up regretting when he loses his ladylove.

19. Pot-Hash-ium (notated by K)
This grasshopper is a girl magnet because of his pursuit of the forbidden.

20. Calci-yum (notated by Ca)
The middle class lover who counts every penny before he buys a gift. He throws his hat in the ring, only if he’s sure he’ll get the girl.

21. Scandalium (notated by Sc)
He’s the one with the wild streak. Pre-marital sex, live-in relationships and elopement are elements of his courtship.

22. Titanic-ium (notated by Ti)
The Jinxed Lova. Has the knack of hitting an iceberg when his love life seems a cruise.

23. Vanityium (notated by V)
The proud lover. His ego is his big plus and minus. He never makes the first move. Considers it infra dig to propose to a lady. And pays a big price for this miss-take.

24. Kodakchromium (notated by Cr)
The picture-perfect lover. He seems nice from far but is far from nice.

25. Man-gunese (notated by Mn)
The one with the phallic fixation. The world knows him as the gay lover.

26. Iron-man (notated by Fe)
Mr. Greek God. Loves his body and women who can make him appear intelligent.

27. Co-bald (notated by Co)
The cultish lover who expects his partner to share his weird tastes.

28. Nickel (notated by Ni)
The chap who marries for matrimoney. A mama’s boy, he sees his wife as a washing machine, servant, cook and sex-slave all rolled into one.

29. Cope-r (notated by Cu)
The karmic lover who believes life will give him what his destiny decrees. He has no qualms in marrying a stranger. He learns to love her after marriage.

30. Zynchroniser (notated by Zn)
He is the kind who’ll make you feel, you are a made-for-each-other couple. A proactive romantic, harmony is what he seeks. The moment he senses disharmony, he will hunt for the next near-perfect match.

31. Gall-ium (notated by Ga)
The macho man who wears his balls on his sleeve. His risk taking ability leaves his girl gasping. He’s the type who’ll beat you to pulp if you misbehave with his chick.

32. Grrr-man-ium (notated by Ge)
Mr. Short Fuse is a very strange beast. Though he loves his woman, he hates to be seen with her in public. Given a chance he’d cover his girl head-to-toe with a purdah.

33. Arson-ick (notated by As)
A spoilt brat who just can’t handle rejection. If you rub him on the wrong side, he might break doors, throw an acid bulb, or hurt himself to hurt you.

34. Cell-lean-ium (notated by Se)
The type who wows his chick with SMSes. His forwarded jokes and cut and paste poems make his girls assume that he’s something else.

35. Bro-mine (notated by Br)
The nice guy who ends up getting raakhis from all his girl friends.

36. Crypt-on (notated by Kr)
The mystery man who uses zany yahoo screen names, blank calls and anonymous bouquet messages. Often confused with a stalker.

37. Ruby-dium (notated by Rb)
The Santa Claus who buys the approval of his chick with expensive gifts. His frequency of gifting plummets after marriage.

38. Strong-tium (notated by Sr)
He looks progressive but is a closet conservative. Has a dangerous dominating streak that manifests as physical abuse, once in a while.

39. Yeti-rium (notated by Y)
He’s the type who belches, burps and farts loudly. Lewd behaviour is his tested tactic to repel women. Strangely, he may give it all up if he finds a genuine sweetheart.

40. Zero-conium (notated by Zr)
He may seem ordinary but this accha-bachcha has a rare trait that other men lack. He never cheats on his girl.

41. Neigh-borium (notated by Nb)
The classic padosan Romeo who expends his youth courting anything in skirts in the neighborhood.

42. Molycoddlum (notated by Mo)
The lovey-dovey guy who fusses over his girl all the time. Sometimes a tad overprotective, he could get on anyone’s nerves.

43. Tech-niche-ium (notated by Tc)
The focused lover who looks for a girl within his immediate vicinity. His idea of a big catch is a girl with enviable programming skills.

44. Ruth-nium (notated by Ru)
Aka Mr. Stone Heart. He doesn’t know to reciprocate love. He doesn’t even care. He marries because he has to.

45. Rhowdy-ium (notated by Rh)
The very Telugu filmi lover. He stalks his girl. Eve teases her. Issues veiled threats of slashing his wrists. And sometimes wins by emotional coercion.

46. Pa-lady-ium (notated by Pd)
The sugar daddy. He works on vulnerable girls, plays agony uncle and wins them over.

47. Silver (notated by Ag)
Goes for gold with his first attempt at love. When he fails, he settles for the second best option – arranged marriage.

48. Card-mium (notated by Cd)
The man with the green card halo. He plays this card with girls who have silly dreams of an idyllic life in America.

49. Indie-um (notated by In)
The free spirit. He loves to explore and hates to commit himself because he honestly variety is the spouse of life.

50. Tinkle (notated by Sn)
The juvenile lover who has a fetish for childish pranks. He’s the type who’ll buy his girl cotton candies.

51. Anti-money (notated by Sb)
The liberal who looks for leftist streaks in his Miss Right. His idea of an exotic date is to eat chaat in dilli haat.

52. Teller-ium (notated by Te)
The mercenary chap who issues the currency of love after seeing the girl’s bank balance.

53. Aiyo-dine (notated by I)
The classic Tam-Bram lover. Doesn’t buy flowers. Forgets birthdays. Rarely buys gifts. But strangely this cold cookie has the most enduring relationships with his mate.

54. Xena-n (notated by Xe)
The man with a fixation for women with an Amazonian frame.

55. Cease-ium (notated by Cs)
The serial divorcee who calls it quits when he gets bored with his partner.

Part 2 coming soon...

3 Comments:

Blogger catcharun said...

there could have been a shirt/deo line called elements
this could've been its brilliant ad series
but thanks for wasting it on us

aiyo-dine for ob reasons was this tam-bram's fav

2:25 AM  
Blogger Ravages said...

Yabba! Thalaiva, thala sutha vekriye.

2:17 AM  
Blogger Übermaniam said...

collapsing with inhuman laughter. and jealousy.

9:30 AM  

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