Kofi Annan was sipping a sinfully delicious cuppa black coffee in Wakarewarewa, when a rare brainwave made its way into his unclogged cranium, unannounced. The digitally encoded diabolic brainwave sank in slowly. After an hour, the speedy processor in Kofi’s cerebrum decoded this thought as - why not assess the IQ (Idiocy Quotient) & GQ (Geographic Quotient) of world leaders and expose the ineptitude of some pricks posing as presidents. Kofi seemed very pleased with this revolutionary thought. So he quickly ordered the rusty brains trust of the equally rusty United Nations to draft an elementary test for world leaders. The test was simple. It involved two steps: One, Kofi would read out the names of 200 member countries of the UN, in alphabetical order, through a video broadcast. The world leaders will have to spell out the names for him. Two, against the name of each country, the presidents and prime ministers will have to write at least one line describing that nation. This test was greeted with derision by the who’s who of where’s where. But after some legendary persuasion by the UN diplomats, the world leaders agreed to take the test. Attached is the answer sheet of one George Dubya Bush. A
Af-gone-is-tan: Where our troops have gone and will never be back.
Al-ban-ia: Sounds like a place where Al Jazeera is banned.
Al-jeer-ia: Where they boo Al Gore?
And-or-ra: Some town where they mix up conjunctions.
An-goal-la: Is that the country that plays soccer?
Anti-ga: Condoleeza will make a statement on this.
Urgent-tina: Gotcha! The country with the Fuckland Islands.
Arm-mania: A weapon loving state god-knows-where.
Oz-tralia: The suckers who support anything we say.
Oz-tria: Guv’nor Arnold Shwarznigger’s homeland.
Usher-bye-john: A befitting retirement resort for John Kerry.
B
Ba-ha-mass: Where ‘who-let-the-dogs-out’ is the national anthem.
Ba-rain: I cannot comment about what I cannot comment.
Bang-lad-desh: A kinky place where they allow sodomy?
Bar-bade-us: Never heard of this place.
Bella-ruse: Seems like a Spanish striptease joint to me.
Belch-GM: General Motors’ dump in Europe.
Bay-lease: Where ‘Baywatch’ was shot.
Benin: Told ya I am not bad at history. This must be the hometown of Lenin.
Boo-tan: Where they are afraid of getting a tan?
Bow-live-ya: Ummmm…
Bosnia and Herzegovina: I know this place. It’s where there was some civil war.
Boats-wanna: A yacht-renting joint?
Bra-zeal: Where latino women show great zeal to drop their wonder bras.
Brun-nay: Some place where brunettes are nixed.
Bulk-area: Where fat-asses like Michael Moore should go.
Book-kina Farce-o: A fictional country that surfaces often in Spelling Bee contests.
Burma: That’s a no-brainer. Burma is where Burma Shave is from.
Boo-randy: WTF?
C
Cum-body-ya: Hugh Hefner’s haven for virile males like Clinton.
Cam-maroon: Thanks for that sitter. Make that Cam-maroon Diaz’s country.
Can-nadda: Our parasitic neighbor.
Cape Verdi: That’s where that Western Classical fellow is from?
Central African Republic: I think this is a trick question. No country would choose a plain vanilla name like that.
Chad: You’ll find such places in lonely planet.
Chilly: That cold place in the Equatorial region.
Chy-na: The untrustworthy sonoffabiches who are a huge threat to America.
Colom-bia: Grasslands of America where drug peddlers become presidents.
Comma-ros: Condoleeza will make a statement on this.
Congo: When did a musical instrument become a country?
Congo, Democratic Republic of the Coasta Rica: I think I’ve already answered this.
Quote-de-Eve-@#$%%: Condoleeza will make a statement on this.
Crow-Asia: That place where people killed each other.
Qbah: The asylum of that nut Fiddle Castro.
Sigh-press: Where celebrities get relief from the paparazzi.
Cheque Republic: Name of some Swiss Bank in Europe.
D
Den-mark: The original home of the Great Dane.
Gee-bout-tea: One of the many faceless places that make up the spineless UN.
Dominicker: When did they add this to our planet?
Dom-nick-can Republic: A state near Timbuktwo.
E
East Tea-more: You can find this East of West Timor.
Equa-dor: Some godforsaken country somewhere on the Equator.
E-gypt: Where they made the film ‘The Mummies’.
Al-Salway-Door: Condoleeza will make a statement on this.
England: Friend.
Equatorial Guinea: Where they breed Guinea pigs.
Ery-three-uh: Such countries make me think, what’s the need for so many nations. Why not just one America?
Yes-Tony-ya: Condoleeza will make a statement on this.
Ethy-yo-peer: The reason for existence of concerts like Live-Aid.
F
Fiji: As far as I know, this is the name of a Camera.
Fin-land: An aquarium in the sea.
France: Peace loving pussies.
G
Gab-bone: Like I care.
Gam-beer: A casino in Africa.
Georgia: I strongly condemn this insidious attempt to name an American state as a separate country. Enemies of America shall be in harm’s way if such an act is repeated in the near future.
Germ-many: Nazi losers who oppose war.
Garner: Umm…
Great Britain: Ally
Grease: Ain’t that a Travolta movie?
Grenader: Where grenades were born.
Gwa-ta-mala: Must be a banana republic.
Guinea: The Bay of Pigs.
Guinea-Bis-sow: Why do you keep repeating this name?
Guy-anna: Founded by some guy who married some girl named Anna.
H
High-Tea: Sounds like a Chinese restaurant to me.
Horn-duress: I get it. This place must be the most noise-polluted in the world.
Hungry: A place in Africa where people die of malnutrition.
I
Ice-land: A skating rink in Europe.
In-dya: The name of my pet dog.
Indo-nay-sia: Where tsunamis head.
E-ran: Muslim fundamentalists.
E-rock: 52nd State of America.
Ire-land: IRA’s training ground.
Is-rail: A Jewish cow we milk often for votes.
It-tally: Where Rudy Guiliani’s from.
J
Jam-mica: Reggae island.
Jap-pan: It’s a Sony.
Jordan: Michael Jordan’s hangout.
K
Kayak-stan: Paddler’s paradise somewhere in the world.
Ken-ya: A zoo in Africa.
Kiri-bati: Ummmm…
Korea, North: Foe
Korea, South: Friend
Q-wait: Name of a dessert storm that swept away dad’s hope of a re-election.
Queer-geese-tan: Geez, I’ve never heard of this place.
L
Lay-oz: Rhymes with chaos.
Lat-veer: With a name like that, it must be a third world country.
Leb-ban-on: I’ve forgotten to remember this blasted place.
Les-otho: Could it be an island full of Lesbians?
Lie-beer-ia: A beach where you can get a tan and a can of beer.
Lib-ya: Coming soon, a missile near you.
Liken-stain: YAWN.
Lithe-wane-near: I wish Laura were here to help me.
Lux-em-borg: A luxury tennis court owned by Bjorn Borg.
M
Messy-dough-near: I wouldn’t like to lend my money to this country.
Madagascar: A film my kids loved watching.
Mall-we: A shopping mall for all of us.
Mall-asia: A Chinese Wal-Mart?
Mauled-eves: Where they beat their wives black and blue.
Molly: Prolly named after the nick of a lady named Mauleen.
Malter: A beer pub somewhere in Africa.
Martial Islands: A Karate school in Asia.
More-ish-iana: I bet no American can answer that. Not even Kerry.
Mar-ru-cius: Sounds like a Roman General.
Mex-ico: Hispanic dump.
Micro-nay-sia: Where they refuse to use microwaves.
Mould-ova: A fertility clinic in Russia.
Monaco: Where Grace Kelly got screwed.
Mon-goal-ya: That place they showed in the movie Genghis Khan.
More-rocko: An African version of Hard Rock Café.
More-zombie-que: An African cemetery.
N
Nah-me-beer: It’s in Sub-Saharan Australia, I reckon.
Now-rue: Waitaminnit. Ain’t this the place where birds are known to crap?
Nay-pal: As president of the United States of America, I exercise my veto power and refuse to answer this question.
Knee-duh-lands: That damn place that houses Amsterdamn and Rotterdamn.
New Zealand: Oztrailia’s Qbah.
Nicker-rag-uah: All I can say is it was in the news sometime back.
Nigh-jer: I dunno Nigh-jer. Ask me about Nigh-jeeria.
Nigh-jeeria: Nigh-jeeria is an African country with a dark past and a black future.
Northern Ire-land: The CIA has never told me that such a country exists.
Knorr-way: The country that’s always in a soup.
O
Oh-maan: Sounds like a nigger country.
P
Pack-kiss-tan: I know a lot about this Islamic pack. I put it on the international map, dammit. Pack-kiss-tan is in the Chinese continent. They have nukes. And a dick-tator called Mousch-rough. They love the word Gee-had. And women there wear the purr-dah.
Pal-lou: Condoleeza shall make a statement on this.
Palestinian State: In three words, it is a state of confusion.
Pan-ammer: Must be the home base for Pan Am Airlines.
Popua New Guinea: This is the third time you’re asking me about Guinea.
Para-goo-way: It’s a gazillion miles from Texas.
Pay-roo: Read my lips, it’s not in America.
Fill-lip-eenz: That chick, what’s-her-name – Arroyo, is from that place.
Poll-land: Who doesn’t know this country? They have a joke book as their constitution.
Port-two-gal: It’s a port near Spain, right?
Q
Cutter: Interesting name. What’ll they think of, next? A country called Paster!
R
Roam-mania: This must be the gypsy country.
Rush-shia: The guys who couldn’t stand the heat of the cold war :-) Couldn’t resist that. Seriously speaking, we Americans love Rush-shia. I drink their vodka, I love watching their tennis players. And I read their authors like Rush-dee.
Rrr-wanda: Where they are uncivilized enough to have civil wars.
S
Saint-Kits: A State in Vatican City.
Saint Loo-shia: Another State in Vatican City.
Saint Win-cent: Yet another State in Vatican City.
Some-ova: OMG, that’s a very sexist name.
Sun-Marine-no: A beach resort for the US Navy.
Sou Tome: If you tell me where it is, I swear I won’t bomb this place.
Saudi Arabia: Big oil field in West Asia.
Scot-land: Where men wear skirts and are busy doing the blowjob on bagpipers.
Say-knee-gull: Good question.
Serve-beer: Very good question.
Say-shells: You can find it in the United Nations.
See-yaara Leo-knee: You can find it in Google.
Sing-up-pore: It’s the name of a tiger in Asia.
Slow-wake-kia: I guess this is the home of late bloomers.
Slow-way-near: Search me.
Solo-mon Eyelands: Right next to Sheeba Eyelands.
So-mall-lia: What the obese in America must aspire to be.
South Africa: South of North Africa. Nigga land where uppertheed is banned. An old foggie called Monday Law rules the place.
Spain: Where they make Spanish Guitars and singers like Enrique Iglesias.
Shh-ree Lank-ka: Condoleeza shall comment on this.
Sue-Darn: On my hit list.
Surrey-NAM: A county in England that’s part of the non-aligned movement.
Swa-zeal-land: You know what, I am getting bored. So I shall not answer this.
S-weed-den: Where sweet dish is spoken.
Switzer-Land: Where everyone has a Swiss Bank account, watch and chocolate.
See-ria: The next stop after Iraq.
T
Tie-worn: It’s a Chinatown that’s almost Chinese. You know what I mean, right.
Ta-jig-stan: Somewhere near Gobi Dessert.
Tan-zany-ah: I don’t understand what’s the point of asking me to point out where this pointless place is.
Thigh-land: A sex parlor in Asia frequented by American troops.
Toe-go: It’s an island in the African Ocean.
Tong-ga: Has a Chinese ring to it.
Trini-dad & Tobacco: Must be some kinda Marlboro country.
Tooney-sia: A fancy name for a Disney Land?
Turk-key: What America gobbles up, every Easter.
Turk-menace-tan: Where they don’t celebrate Easter.
Two-wall-loo: The name says it all.
U
You-gander: A bird sanctuary for male geese.
You-crane: Caterpillar country.
United Arab Emirates: Small oil field in the Middle East.
United Kingdom: Number One in America’s buddy list.
United States: Born on the 4th of July, 1700 and god-knows-when, we are the world’s best hope. Founded by George Washington, Jefferson Thomas, Benjamin Frankey and many other fathers, America is the melting pot for whites and all shades of black. We are the world’s greatest democracy and we will burn the midnight oil to spread the light of liberty to every corner of the world that has oil. I can go on and on about this great country that has done so much for my brother, my dad, and me…
You-rue-goo-way: Condoleeza shall make a statement on this.
Ooze-bay-kiss-tan: Condoleeza shall make a statement on this.
V
Wanadoo: What I wanna do? I wanna quit answering this stupid test.
Vatican City: Where the Pope is the Churchill of all churches.
Venice-zoo-ala: A holiday spot in Italy.
We-yet-nam: An issue that keeps coming up in our presidential elections. Often associated with war veterans.
W
Whales: Jesus, I never knew there was a country named whales.
Western Sahara: An African dessert full of cowboys.
Y
Amen: A training camp for televangelists.
You-go-slave-ya: Ain’t this the place where they have a city named Kosovo Crisis?
Z
Zyer: You can find it in a BoneyM song.
Zam-beer: 33 degrees longitude and 54 degrees shortitude. North of Muga Bay.
Note: When the UN put out the test scores, much to his shock and awe, Dubya discovered that he had topped the test.
