Friday, April 29, 2005

The Future According To Astrodamus

I was feeling bored with the present. Thought I’ll take a peek into the future. This is what I saw:

1. India celebrates 100 years of Independence by hosting the Summer Olympics in 2048.
2. Barak Obama will be the next Vice President of the United States of America.
3. England will lift the Cricket World Cup in West Indies.
4. George Dubya Bush will launch no new wars in his second tenure.
5. AR Rehman will win a Grammy Award by 2008.
6. Tony Blair faces surprise defeat in the UK elections.
7. Mohammad Kaif emerges as the Indian Captain in 2008.
8. Pakistan has a new leader in 2006.
9. Hrithik Roshan and Rani Mukherjee will be the dark horses from Bollywood who will land plum roles in many Hollywood films.
10. India will have 30 states by 2010.
11. There will be a new demand for a state of Jammu.
12. Jayalalitha will lose the next assembly elections in Tamil Nadu.
13. Tom Hanks will contest for the US Presidency in 2012.
14. P. Harikrishna does an Anand by emerging as a world champion.
15. Manoj Night Shyamalan will end up with 2 Oscars by the time he retires.
16. The next Indian Prime Minister will neither be from Congress nor the BJP.
17. Pakistan gets its first IIT in 2008. It is instituted in Lahore.
18. Under relentless pressure from the US troops, Osama Bin Laden commits suicide in 2006.
19. Unrest in China as economic boom turns into a bust in 2010.
20. China on the verge of a break up. Demand for a Taiwanese China. The US backs this demand. China threatens war. So a distinct possibility of a war exists in 2011.
21. Democracy introduced in Saudi Arabia in 2010. Radicals win massive mandate.
22. Turbulence in the BJP in 2007.
23. Public announcement of human cloning stuns the world in 2008.
24. Google launches fingerprint search, blood group search, stem cell search, apartment search and advertising search by 2012.
25. Interplanetary Internet launched in 2015. Mars becomes the second planet to have an Internet connection.

Only time will tell if I am right or wrong.

Wednesday, April 27, 2005

Peejay Amritraj Enters Films

A blockbuster debut with c-grade movie peejays.

Which Ram Gopal Verma sequel is most likely to be funded by Reliance?
Bhoot 2. Because he plans to call it STD Bhoot.

What kinda films is Prakash Karat into?
Marx Brothers

Why did Jeniffer Aniston dump Brad Pitt?
Because he’s a Jolie good fellow.

What’s common to Shah Rukh Khan and an amateur radio operator?
Both enjoy hamming.

What is the name of Ang Lee’s new film starring Shakti Kapoor?
Couching Tiger & Hidden Dragon

Who is Bruce Lee’s favourite director in Bollywood?
Sanjay Leela Bhansalee

If Mallika Sherawat were a professor, what would she be teaching?

Which Aamir Khan movie was a huge hit with Hindustan Lever?

Which is Mayawati’s favourite English flick?
The Untouchables

Why did the Chinese President Hu Jintao allow Farah Khan to release her film in China?
Because he loved the title Main Hu Na.

Monday, April 25, 2005

30 Excuses For Quitting Your Job

For all those who want to sex up your resignation letters, here’s my 30 bits to help your cause…

1. I can’t take your body odour any more…
2. I want to pursue my childhood dream of watching the grass grow…
3. My IQ has halved after you took over…
4. The yummy looking secretaries have concentrated my dilution…
5. I am delighted to inform you that I’ve found a more comical circus…
6. I wish to be a shepherd and not a sheep…
7. The lunch break is too short for my appetite…
8. Since you’ve denied my request for bringing my pet python to my cubicle…
9. My designation is the reason for this resignation…
10. Before you dispose me off in an office furniture sale, I thought I’d surprise you…
11. The coffee tastes yuck…
12. Eight hours seem like eighty hours here…
13. My colleague harassed me by saying, ‘main tere bachchey ki maa banney wali hoon...’
14. I strongly protest your puerile attempts to block my progress in Need 4 Speed…
15. If I stay here long enough, I am afraid I might commit a murder…
16. I am tired of catching the cricket scores on cricinfo. I’d rather join a company that can afford a fucking TV…
17. Because there’s no one worth sleeping around here…
18. I wish to inform you that with the generous raise you gave me last night I was able to buy a pen, a paper and enough ink to draft this letter…
19. The most creative person here seems the photocopier…
20. I see a total absence of intellectually stimulating journals like playboy or hustler in our office library…
21. Since my wife plans to torment me by joining this office I am left with no choice but to leave this place…
22. My dog feels very lonely these days…
23. I badly need a hundred crore rupees. I don’t think this miserly organization has enough loose cash to lend me the same…
24. I am scandalized to note that no one uses a condom here…
25. My tenure with this esteemed organization has given me enough grist to pen a hilarious joke book…
26. I have noted that the Indian Cricket Team does better whenever I watch the matches from home…
27. Guess what? I went in for an X-ray yesterday. The doctor observed that I had a missing spine. He says it might have vanished because of my stint with your organization…
28. Dear boss, I’ve heard rumours that you will be leaving soon. Since the only source of entertainment is gonna disappear, I don’t see any point in sticking around any more…
29. I am afraid that you might infect me with your incompetence…
30. The bottom line is I need new asses to lick…

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Jack Shit's No Brainer # 8

Love is a dated concept.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Their Favourite Bands

A compilation of the favourite bands of your favourite celebs by Khayali Listwala.

Shakti Kapoor – Sting

Camelia Parker Bowles – Queen

Saurav Ganguly – Faith No More

Mallika Sherawat – Kiss

Narayan Karthikeyan – Motorhead

Mukesh & Anil Ambani – Blues Brothers

George Dubya Bush – Megadeth

Osama Bin Laden – Fear Factory

Laxmi Mittal – Metallica

Deepa Mehta – Earth, Wind and Fire

Adnan Sami – Fat Boy Slim

Michael Jackson – Kid Rock

Saddam Hussein – Arrested Development

Sania Mirza – New Kids on the Block

Dalai Lama – Nirvana

Maneka Gandhi – Pet Shop Boys

Dr. Salim Ali – The Eagles

Kiran Bedi – Police

Shahid Afridi – Rush

Steve Jobs – Fleetwood Mac

Pervez Musharraf – Guns & Roses

Margaret Thatcher – Iron Maiden

Sonia Gandhi – Foreigner

Rahul Gandhi – The Offspring

Aishwarya Rai & Vivek Oberoi –‘Nsync

Jeniffer Lopez – Ace of Base

Vijay Mallya – UB40

Narasimha Rao –Status Quo

Pope John Paul 2 – All Saints

Rajesh Pilot – Aerosmith

Sunday, April 10, 2005

Sigmund Fraud's Periodic Table of Lovers

This seminal work may not win the Nobel Prize for Chemistry but it will at least provide you the wherewithal to classify the male species into 110 love types.

1. Hide-rogen (notated by H)
The no-hoper secret lover you see in campuses. He hides his feelings because of the fear of heartbreaks.

2. Hehehe-lium (notated by He)
Sense of humour is his aphrodisiac. This light heart can set any heart aflame.

3. Lithe-ium (notated by Li)
He is Mr.Proposer. If one honey pot says no, he moves on to the next one with consummate ease.

4. Berry-lium (notated by Be)
He’s in it for the passion fruits. And he’s pretty open about it. Don’t expect heart to heart chats with this physical beast.

5. Bore-on (notated by B)
The geekish lover who doesn’t have a clue about mushy talk. He’s the type who’ll unabashedly discuss cricket or formula 1 on a date.

6. Car-borne (notated by C)
The pickup man. His car is his USP. His idea of romance is speeding down the highway. His chick often wonders if he loves his car more than her.

7. Night-rogen (notated by N)
This city slicker is a charmer. He’s the type who’ll smooth talk his girl into spending the night with him.

8. Oxygent (notated by O)
He gives his girl the one thing that others don’t - breathing space. The catch, ‘I mind my business, you mind yours.’

9. Flu-rin (notated by F)
Mr. Goody-two-shoes who scores brownie points with girls by winning their sympathy when they’re down with flu.

10. Knee-on (notated by Ne)
The formula romantic who has a penchant for candle-light dinners, pink hearts, serenading and proposing by going down on his knees.

11. So-sodium (notated by Na)
Mr. Lazy bum. He goes through the motions of romance with great fuss. He’s the type who’ll pull the plug if his girl demands too much attention or energy.

12. Magnanium (notated by Mg)
Usually a public school product, he’s your predictably chivalrous lover. He’ll open doors, offer seats and act very gora. If you really look closer you can spot his desi colours.

13. Alumni-ium (notated by Al)
DPS IIT IIM. DPS IIT IIM. DPS IIT IIM. He yaks about his school, college, pals, pranks and his Profs all the time. He plays the alumnus card with a clear desire to make himself appear more attractive.

14. Sillycon-ium (notated by Si)
The pompous ass who makes up stories to market himself. A huge failure with chicks, he shrugs it off by saying, ‘too bad, it’s their loss’.

15. Prosperus (notated by P)
He’s the archetypal ameer beta. He seeks a Mills & Boonian romance by courting chicks with his wealth muscle. And rarely fails.

16. Sulker (notated by S)
Often seen with a Guru Duttesque expression. A sensitive introvert he regales women with sher aur shayari. His idea of a perfect date is going to a play.

17. Close-in (notated by Cl)
He is the fastest off the block when it comes to women. He swoops on his prey even if his chances are remote. An open flirt, he has no skeletons in his closet.

18. Hour-Gone (notated by Ar)
Mr. Late Lateef. He pisses off the opposite sex by arriving late at the rendezvous point. And ends up regretting when he loses his ladylove.

19. Pot-Hash-ium (notated by K)
This grasshopper is a girl magnet because of his pursuit of the forbidden.

20. Calci-yum (notated by Ca)
The middle class lover who counts every penny before he buys a gift. He throws his hat in the ring, only if he’s sure he’ll get the girl.

21. Scandalium (notated by Sc)
He’s the one with the wild streak. Pre-marital sex, live-in relationships and elopement are elements of his courtship.

22. Titanic-ium (notated by Ti)
The Jinxed Lova. Has the knack of hitting an iceberg when his love life seems a cruise.

23. Vanityium (notated by V)
The proud lover. His ego is his big plus and minus. He never makes the first move. Considers it infra dig to propose to a lady. And pays a big price for this miss-take.

24. Kodakchromium (notated by Cr)
The picture-perfect lover. He seems nice from far but is far from nice.

25. Man-gunese (notated by Mn)
The one with the phallic fixation. The world knows him as the gay lover.

26. Iron-man (notated by Fe)
Mr. Greek God. Loves his body and women who can make him appear intelligent.

27. Co-bald (notated by Co)
The cultish lover who expects his partner to share his weird tastes.

28. Nickel (notated by Ni)
The chap who marries for matrimoney. A mama’s boy, he sees his wife as a washing machine, servant, cook and sex-slave all rolled into one.

29. Cope-r (notated by Cu)
The karmic lover who believes life will give him what his destiny decrees. He has no qualms in marrying a stranger. He learns to love her after marriage.

30. Zynchroniser (notated by Zn)
He is the kind who’ll make you feel, you are a made-for-each-other couple. A proactive romantic, harmony is what he seeks. The moment he senses disharmony, he will hunt for the next near-perfect match.

31. Gall-ium (notated by Ga)
The macho man who wears his balls on his sleeve. His risk taking ability leaves his girl gasping. He’s the type who’ll beat you to pulp if you misbehave with his chick.

32. Grrr-man-ium (notated by Ge)
Mr. Short Fuse is a very strange beast. Though he loves his woman, he hates to be seen with her in public. Given a chance he’d cover his girl head-to-toe with a purdah.

33. Arson-ick (notated by As)
A spoilt brat who just can’t handle rejection. If you rub him on the wrong side, he might break doors, throw an acid bulb, or hurt himself to hurt you.

34. Cell-lean-ium (notated by Se)
The type who wows his chick with SMSes. His forwarded jokes and cut and paste poems make his girls assume that he’s something else.

35. Bro-mine (notated by Br)
The nice guy who ends up getting raakhis from all his girl friends.

36. Crypt-on (notated by Kr)
The mystery man who uses zany yahoo screen names, blank calls and anonymous bouquet messages. Often confused with a stalker.

37. Ruby-dium (notated by Rb)
The Santa Claus who buys the approval of his chick with expensive gifts. His frequency of gifting plummets after marriage.

38. Strong-tium (notated by Sr)
He looks progressive but is a closet conservative. Has a dangerous dominating streak that manifests as physical abuse, once in a while.

39. Yeti-rium (notated by Y)
He’s the type who belches, burps and farts loudly. Lewd behaviour is his tested tactic to repel women. Strangely, he may give it all up if he finds a genuine sweetheart.

40. Zero-conium (notated by Zr)
He may seem ordinary but this accha-bachcha has a rare trait that other men lack. He never cheats on his girl.

41. Neigh-borium (notated by Nb)
The classic padosan Romeo who expends his youth courting anything in skirts in the neighborhood.

42. Molycoddlum (notated by Mo)
The lovey-dovey guy who fusses over his girl all the time. Sometimes a tad overprotective, he could get on anyone’s nerves.

43. Tech-niche-ium (notated by Tc)
The focused lover who looks for a girl within his immediate vicinity. His idea of a big catch is a girl with enviable programming skills.

44. Ruth-nium (notated by Ru)
Aka Mr. Stone Heart. He doesn’t know to reciprocate love. He doesn’t even care. He marries because he has to.

45. Rhowdy-ium (notated by Rh)
The very Telugu filmi lover. He stalks his girl. Eve teases her. Issues veiled threats of slashing his wrists. And sometimes wins by emotional coercion.

46. Pa-lady-ium (notated by Pd)
The sugar daddy. He works on vulnerable girls, plays agony uncle and wins them over.

47. Silver (notated by Ag)
Goes for gold with his first attempt at love. When he fails, he settles for the second best option – arranged marriage.

48. Card-mium (notated by Cd)
The man with the green card halo. He plays this card with girls who have silly dreams of an idyllic life in America.

49. Indie-um (notated by In)
The free spirit. He loves to explore and hates to commit himself because he honestly variety is the spouse of life.

50. Tinkle (notated by Sn)
The juvenile lover who has a fetish for childish pranks. He’s the type who’ll buy his girl cotton candies.

51. Anti-money (notated by Sb)
The liberal who looks for leftist streaks in his Miss Right. His idea of an exotic date is to eat chaat in dilli haat.

52. Teller-ium (notated by Te)
The mercenary chap who issues the currency of love after seeing the girl’s bank balance.

53. Aiyo-dine (notated by I)
The classic Tam-Bram lover. Doesn’t buy flowers. Forgets birthdays. Rarely buys gifts. But strangely this cold cookie has the most enduring relationships with his mate.

54. Xena-n (notated by Xe)
The man with a fixation for women with an Amazonian frame.

55. Cease-ium (notated by Cs)
The serial divorcee who calls it quits when he gets bored with his partner.

Part 2 coming soon...

Saturday, April 09, 2005

Jack Shit's No Brainer # 7

I am an athlete. I have a running nose.

Why are some people so unlucky?

by the unthinker

Life is a game of choice.

For the soul to evolve to its desired level, it needs a variety of experiences.

Sometimes the soul takes a conscious decision to opt for a life of disappointments.

By making this choice, the soul is trying to answer a few probing questions.

Can I handle disappointments?

Can I take one defeat after another?

Will I crumble under the mountain of failures?

Do I have the steely resolve to break the cycle of defeats?

Can I develop the ability to let neither success nor failure affect me?

The answers for these tricky questions can only be uncovered by getting under the skin of a so-called jinxed being.

So if a person suffers all his life it is not because it was decreed by destiny.

It is because you made the choice.

You made the choice because you felt that you could handle it.

If you’re unable to take it, it just means you have the let the forces of negativism triumph.

Some people react rashly in such a situation.

They try to escape by opting for suicide.

What they forget is, the soul will continue to tread thorny paths.

Till it achieves its goal of overcoming the fear of fiasco.

Friday, April 08, 2005

Why must people die?

by the unthinker

To answer this question, first ask yourself what is death?

Death is not what you think.

It’s not an abrupt finish to a glorious start.

It’s not a full stop for passions, hopes, ambitions, love and affection.

It’s not a sudden shut down of relationships.

It’s not an unfair termination of potential.

It’s not the end of the road.

Death is like an expiry date on a medicine.

When the soul chooses its form, it sets an expiry date for itself.

The trouble is, we forget the expiry date when we are born.

As a result, most of us are unprepared to handle death.

When you are unprepared, death comes as a rude shock to you.

The sensible way to treat death is to embrace it.

Like an old friend.

Because death is the bridge that can take you to the next level of life.

It is the pause button for the soul to do a self-assessment.

On whether or not, the soul has shed the imperfection, as desired, in the previous life.

It is the much-needed sabbatical for the soul to select its next course of action.

Thursday, April 07, 2005

What is the meaning of life?

by the unthinker

Life is a level in a game I call evolution.

Played by a soul, that wants to be all it can be.

The rules of the game are simple.

Every soul has two goals.

One, to rise to a selfless state of perfection.

Two, to help the other souls reach that state.

To achieve these twin goals, each soul is given an infinite number of lives.

With each life, a soul can shed one or many imperfections.

By imperfections I refer not to vices, but to all those traits of character that impede the progress of the soul.

The soul chooses its form, shape and context of birth according to the imperfection it wishes to conquer.

Though the soul knows what it’s getting into, it does not know how this conquest will happen. Largely because of the number of variables involved.

When a soul takes a form, it assumes all the characteristics typical of that form.

For example, if the soul takes the form of a tree it shall not have the power to remember or even the power to doubt.

As a result, a soul may forget the purpose of its birth, once it takes a form.

But it tries to do its best to drop hints to you about the mission of the birth.

So, simply put, a life is like a treasure hunt.

Where the treasure is hidden by the ignorance of your form.

The challenge of life is uncover that treasure.

Only your soul knows what the treasure is.

Since the form the soul takes, is never clear about the treasure, it makes a lot of mistakes.

Which explains why people are perpetually unhappy.

The root of this restlessness lies in your soul.

If you’re restless, it means your soul thinks you have taken the wrong trail in pursuit of the treasure.

The soul spends its energies in trying to bring you back on track.

Some forms are receptive to the soul’s entreaties. Some are not.

If a form manages to sniff the right trail, find the treasure and fulfill the mission of the birth, a life is deemed successful by the soul.

If the form is unable to uncover the treasure, the life is deemed unsuccessful.

A fruitful life means the soul is free to focus on scaling a higher imperfection.

A wasted life means the soul will have to choose a similar experience again.

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

Sum of all Peejays

By Peejay Amritraj

What does a mathematician have for dessert?
Apple Pi

Which Sherlock Holmes story was a best seller with trigonometry buffs?
The Sine of Four

What do you call a mathematician’s fiancée who just missed being his wife?

Which TV serial would Rene Descartes watch if he were alive?
The X-files

What is the mathematical term for irrational Sardarjis?

If Pythagoras were to launch a daily, what would he call it?

Whose lips are the mathematician's biggest turn-on?

What do you call a really wicked maths teacher?
Arithmetic Mean

If Jim Carrey were to do a movie on mathematicians, what will the title be?
Numb & Number.

Why do mathematicians spend a lot more time on foreplay?
Because the parts are greater than the hole.

Monday, April 04, 2005

Jack Shit's No Brainer # 6

If you need a reality cheque, just look at your pay slip.

Sunday, April 03, 2005

Jack Shit's No Brainer # 5

The Dabbawalahs have great tiffin careers.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

Reality Unplugged

Clay gods.
Shallow men.
Made-up dolls.
Put-on smiles.

Fake love.
Hollow words.
Phony pals.
Crocodile tears.

Borrowed ideas.
Mediocre minds.
Malicious hearts.
Synthetic bodies.

Brittle honesty.
Malleable morals.
False pride.
Fragile peace.

Paper Tigers.
Dutch courage
Fleeting fame.
Fickle fans.

Rigged games.
Rehearsed speeches.
Contrived jokes.
Pedestrian poetry.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Deconstructing Resignations

You quit when you are restless.

You get restless when you are dissatisfied.

You get dissatisfied when you don’t enjoy what you do.

You don’t enjoy yourself when you do something you are not supposed to.

You do something you’re not supposed to when you make the wrong choice.

You make the wrong choice when you don’t apply your mind.

You don’t apply your mind when you get emotional.

You get emotional when someone hurts your ego.

Your ego is hurt when you don’t get what you want.

You don’t get what you want when your expectations are unrealistic.

Your expectations are unrealistic when you are overqualified for that job.

You are overqualified for a job when you opt for the unchallenging.

You opt for the unchallenging when you’ve misjudged your true capabilities.

You misjudge your true capabilities when you take the wrong career path.

You take the wrong career path when you follow the herd.

You follow the herd when you look for security.

You look for security when you’re afraid of taking risks.

You’re afraid of taking risks when you don’t have faith in yourself.

You don’t have faith in yourself when you assume you are ordinary.

You assume you are ordinary when you’ve done nothing extraordinary.

You’ve done nothing extraordinary because you’ve never tried.

You’ve never tried because you never knew what you were good at.

You never knew what you were good at because you don’t know yourself.

You don’t know yourself because you’ve never looked within…