Sunday, May 29, 2005

100 questions for which I don’t have the answers.

1. Why me?
2. Will I get another chance?
3. Is this the right choice?
4. How much of shit can I take?
5. Does it really matter?
6. Why do I make mistakes?
7. Am I you?
8. Is there a pattern?
9. Why do we repeat ourselves?
10. Is that all?
11. How many people are inside me?
12. Are my thoughts mine?
13. Who whispers into my head?
14. Why don’t I get what I want?
15. What do I want?
16. What am I supposed to do?
17. What will I do with what I want?
18. So what?
19. Why do I keep eating?
20. Is there an end?
21. What is the beginning?
22. Why am I so clichéd?
23. Is it wrong to copy?
24. Who decides what is right, what is wrong?
25. Is there any point in analyzing?
26. Should I have faith in you?
27. Am I as small as I think?
28. Is it good to have an ego?
29. Am I wasting my time?
30. Is my time running out?
31. Why did I choose this existence?
32. How can I make everyone happy?
33. Is happiness the ultimate goal?
34. Is everything relative?
35. Why am I, me, when I know I am more than me?
36. Is it a game?
37. What are the rules?
38. What if I fail?
39. Have I failed?
40. Whom did I disappoint?
41. Why am I unhappy when I am sad?
42. Should I be detached?
43. How can I be detached?
44. Is there a teacher?
45. Do all questions have answers?
46. Why am I restless?
47. Why am I so clueless?
48. Am I capable of anything?
49. Where do I get the power?
50. Why do I think?
51. How am I different from others?
52. Why do I divide?
53. Why do I multiply?
54. What was I a hundred years ago?
55. What will I be a hundred years from now?
56. Is this life my first innings?
57. Where do my thoughts, feelings, desires and dreams go after I die?
58. Am I immortal?
59. Why do I feel powerless sometimes?
60. Why is my world so small?
61. Can you love and be detached?
62. Why am I afraid to let go?
63. What am I afraid of?
64. Why do I feel fear?
65. Who is behind hope?
66. Why do calamities occur?
67. Why are some more evolved than others?
68. Who is destiny?
69. Is anything in our hands?
70. Are we responsible for our successes?
71. Why does god need worshipping?
72. Can I live without religions?
73. Why should I care about others?
74. Why was I born where I was born?
75. Why do I have desires?
76. Is birth a biological accident?
77. Why are most inventions serendipitous?
78. Can I predict events?
79. Am I a grown-up child?
80. Why does everyone crave for applause?
81. Why do a select few get the applause?
82. Is there a formula?
83. Is there everything in anything?
84. Why do I get angry?
85. Why do people get jealous?
86. Who spreads negativism?
87. Is one man’s good another man’s evil?
88. Why do I feel good when I do a good act?
89. Why do I feel bad when I say something bad?
90. Why do I repress certain thoughts?
91. Will I be the same person in the absence of rules?
92. Can you kill for a right cause?
93. Are there any absolutes?
94. Is time infinite?
95. How long will it take?
96. Why do we seek stability?
97. Why is war wrong and peace right?
98. Why do people fight?
99. How much is enough?
100. Will I ever figure it out?

Sunday, May 15, 2005

Humans 2.0

A quick take on the new species presented by Talvin Offler.

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a hypothesis: Babies born after Y2k look, feel and act significantly smarter than the previous generations. So much so, I get a feeling that they are a different species. Haven’t you noticed it? The vocabulary of today’s 3-year old is far superior to that of a 10-year old of our generations. And that’s just the first discernable trait displayed by the beta version of Humans 2.0, a wow-worthy killer app from Divine Labs. To help you get the big picture, let me do a SWOT analysis of this new species…

a) Better verbal, visual and mathematical intelligence.
b) No baggage of nationalism.
c) Meritocrat at heart
d) Very open-minded.
e) Zero tolerance for mediocrity.
f) Very experimentative.
g) Physically fitter.
h) Hungry for recognition.
i) More nomadic than ever before.
j) Super self-belief.

a) Impatience.
b) More cynical.
c) Complacence.
d) Mentally not so tough.
e) More restless.
f) Fears commitments.
g) Claustrophobic.
h) Success.
i) Ego.
j) Sex.

a) More aesthetic world.
b) A globe organized not around nations.
c) A new form of democracy that rewards meritocracy.
d) A satellite planet for earthlings.
e) Lesser wars.
f) Cures for AIDS, Cancer and other seemingly incurable diseases.
g) Fantasy concepts like telepathy and teleportation are realized.
h) Religions reform as people lose faith.
i) A species that speaks one language.
j) Poverty becomes history.

a) Families break up.
b) New emotional disorders plague mankind.
c) Marriage loses its meaning as couples prefer short-term cohabitation.
d) World population decreases drastically.
e) Low attention span of mankind hurts books, newspapers and movies.
f) Local languages and dialects become extinct as the world switches to English.
g) Boredom increases the perverse streak of mankind.
h) A new caste system based on ‘meritocracy’ emerges. Mediocre people are treated like the new pariahs.
i) Fantasy concepts like telepathy and teleportation are realized.
j) Jealousy replaces greed as the biggest vice.

The day the weaknesses dominate the strengths, HUMANS 3.0 will be unleashed. Till then, just sit back and watch the events unfold.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Sanjay Narang’s Recipe For BCCI

(A piece I wrote for Ughsport, the funniest cricket blog on the net)

Something’s cooking at the BCCI. An unimpeachable source in the kitchen cabinet of Jaggu Dalmiya informs us that the famed restaurateur Sanjay Narang had recently met the board and presented a plateful of ideas for milking more money from that under performing cash cow called the Indian cricket team. It is reliably learnt that JagguG was particularly tickled by an appetizing proposal for brand extensions. Sanjay Narang’s secretary’s brother’s driver gave us a sneak preview of these extensions. We’ve faithfully reproduced the same for your benefit:

Ganguly’s Rosogollas
USP: Taste that lingers, innings after innings.

Laxman’s Fish Fingers
USP: Buttered like never before.

Dravid’s Wallnuts
USP: Cracks under extreme pressure.

Sachin’s Hot & Sour Soup
USP: Sometimes hot. Mostly sour.

Sehwag’s Cookies
USP: It crackles. It crumbles.

Yuvraj’s Donuts
USP: The biggest hole in the middle.

Agarkar’s Bombay Duck
USP: The name is the guarantee.

Irfan’s Bubble Gum
USP: You won’t see a bigger bubble.

Zaheer’s Home Delivery
USP: Predictably fast.

Nehra’s Lollipops
USP: Smack worthy stuff.

Bhaji’s Buffet
USP: Six mouth-watery servings.

Murali’s Pizza
USP: We toss one up every minute.

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

Blade Pakkiri Expelled

Blade Pakkiri has been summarily expelled from Sulfury for his uncalled-for assaults on our senses. The rascal has been packed off to an island namedBlade Pakkiri Street. Visitors for Blade Pakkiri can call on him at their own risk.

Monday, May 02, 2005

Professor Inventa’s Royalty Free Ideas # 1

Inventa, the Professor of Useless Ideas at the University of Trivia, is in a generous mood. He’s decided to unleash an epochal idea every week on you unsuspecting and undeserving rats. Blessed you. This week, he presents something that’s one small step for mankind and a giant leap for shitpots. Ladies and scumbags, make way for the one and only TEFLON COATED TOILETS.

The core premise of this invention lies in a Nobel worthy index called the Eeshability Index. Eeshability is the Tamil word for stickiness. So simply put, the E index measures the stickiness of crap, from Honolulu to Hyderabadulu, on a scale of 1 to 100. Extensive research, conducted by ace crapologists, has shown that the average EI score for human excreta is 56. Dog poop clocked 24. And cat dingleberries managed 15. Since the stickiness level of human shit is really high, one needs litres of water to flush out the yellow litter from the commodes. Water surplus homes can afford this. But not all. This is where the revolutionary Teflon Coated Toilets come into the picture.

Teflon, as you all know, is a slippery character. It’s got this amazing ability to lower the Eeshability index by a jaw dropping 60%. As a result, Teflon Coated Toilets consume far lesser water than normal flushes do to wash down your crap. Ain’t that wow?

It has been calculated that Tef (nick for Teflon Coated Toilets) saves close to 750 litres of water per head every year. Multiply this figure with the human population - you can almost create a River Nile with that water!

That’s the power of Tef, my friend. It removes the glue out of poo.