GOD SAVE THE PRESS

It was a cosmic moment of profound insignificance. God had just woken up, after a short nap. Nothing seemed to have changed in this brief interval of 4.6 billion years. The world appeared as it was - in a perfect state of chaos. As always, God decided to send a signal to his believers that he’s wide awake now. So he took an innovative route. He sent a press release to Reuters with a one-line statement that read: This is God and I’d like to say only one thing - forget the imposters, I am back. Reuters promptly flashed this news to newspapers, magazines and TV channels across the world. God was keen to know how the press reacted. So he ordered the Divine Image Management Company to send him the executive summary of the media reaction immediately. The DIMC promptly culled out the headlines and dispatched it to God. Featured below is a sprinkling of the press coverage, God managed –

New York Times (front page headline):
JESUS, GOD IS ALIVE!

The Guardian (the lead piece was about a British hostage in Iraq, this one was a small story in the front page): CHURCH IN QUANDARY. GOD SPILLS THE BEANS.

The Sun (the London tabloid carried a screaming front page headline):
GOD CALLS POPE IMPOSTER.

News of the World (a tabloid known for its scoops):
GODZILLA PART 3: THE HUMUNGOUS HOAX

Wall Street Journal (headline with the picture of a huge bear):
DOW JONES CRASHES AS GOD DROPS BOMBSHELL

Times of India (lead story with a colour picture of a sleeping vishnu)
GOOD HEAVENS, GOD ISSUES A WAKE UP CALL.

Indian Express (front page box item story with Gurumoorthy’s byline):
HEY BHAGWAN, OUR RISHIS WERE RIGHT!

The Hindu (featured this news after 3 days in a small column with a predictably drab headline on page 14): ‘GOD’ ISSUES PRESS STATEMENT.

Time Magazine (cover story with picture of Uncle Sam in a monk’s outfit)
IS GOD AN AMERICAN?

The Economist (cover story with illustrations of a broken cross, a twisted trishul & a crooked crescent): THE END OF RELIGION: How God’s statement has changed the way the world looks at religion.

Playboy (provocative cover picture of a nude model with a jesus tatoo)
GOD REVEALS ALL

Rolling Stone (cover story pix features a bunch of black artists):
THANK GOD, GOSPEL MUSIC ROCKS.

Fortune (cover pix of empty coffers)
IN GOD WE DISTRUST: How Religions are coping with the bolt from the blue.

National Geographic (cover story pix of a martian terrain with a mysterious face embedded on it): PLANET GOD: The race to discover God’s Own Country.

India Today (cover story pix is a question mark with a halo):
IS GOD A MYTH? The ORG-MARG opinion poll on what India thinks.

Outlook (cover screaming with a saffron headline):
OH MY GOD! The Great Expose on one thousand Swamijis & how they cheated millions in the name of God.

Femina (cover story pix of a model dressed like ardhnarishwar)
IS GOD BISEXUAL?

Among the Television stations, Al Jazeera didn’t carry the story. The BBC tucked in the news with the weather report and the CNN launched a series of investigative programs with some leading televangelists as moderators. The programs carried the umbrella title GOD KNOWS WHY.

To know how god felt about the coverage, send a mail to fumingwithanger@heaven.com.