THE IQ TEST FOR POLITICIANS
A fantasy test to assess the India Quotient of our netas.
1. What did Ravish Malhotra tell Prime Minister Indira Gandhi when she asked him, ‘Upar sey Bharat kaisa dikhta hai’?
SONIA: Mamma Mia, it looks so full of people.
VAJPAYEE (writes answer after 10 minutes): Gali gali mein shor hai, ye sawal bada bore hai.
HARKISHAN: India Shining. Bharat Whining.
MULAYAM: Iska jawaab uttar prades ki junta degi.
LALOO (looking at the cheat sheet provided by his friendly Bihari invigilator): Saare jahaan se achcha.
KARUNANIDHI (looks over laloo’s shoulder for the answer and scribbles): Shah Jahaan ka bachcha.
JAYALALITHA (seething with anger, gets up and complains to the invigilator): Alliance doesn’t mean you allow people to copy. Stop Karunanidhi. Or I’ll arrest you under POTA.
2. What is the capital of India?
SONIA: Priyanka told me there’ll be a trick question. The answer is the first I in India.
VAJPAYEE: Wah, chalees saal mein pehle baar mujhe koi ye sawaal pooch raha hai! Atal Bihari ka apmaan. Bad gaya taapmaan. Mera desh mahaan.
HARKISHAN: The capital of India is with industrialists, businessmen and the bloody bourgeoisie.
MULAYAM: Dilli se mera koi naata nahin. Amar Singh se poochiye.
LALOO (looking at the cheat sheet provided by his friendly Bihari invigilator): Nayi Dilli.
KARUNANIDHI: What is, is not important saar. What should be is more important. There will be a day when Singara Chennai will be India’s Capital.
JAYALALITHA: If you follow what Karunanidhi says, you won’t get a capital you will get only capital punishment. (pleased with herself, she continues) Singara Chennai exists only in Karunanidhi’s dreams. To really lift the Tamil spirit I propose we have a rotating capital. Delhi can be the capital for 2 years. Poes Garden can be the capital for the next 2 years.
3. How many colours are there in the Indian tricolour?
SONIA: I am told the Indian flag looks like the Italian flag. So my guess is there are three colours in the Indian tricolour.
VAJPAYEE: Sindhi bhai says there is only one colour. Saffron.
HARKISHEN: Sorry, I am colour blind.
MULAYAM: Hamein toh bas hara dikhta hai…
LALOO: Ai sawaal mashter jao bajao been. The ansher is teen.
KARUNANIDHI: Since I wear black glasses, everything looks black & white to me, saar. So the answer is two.
JAYALALITHA: Because of my convent education in Churchpark and my 45-year old habit of reading The Hindu every morning at kaapi time, I am able to guess the answer as 4.
4. Can you list the number of articles in the Indian constitution?
SONIA GANDHI: If you count the number of As, ANs & THEs in the Indian Constitution it should add up to 46, 324, 212.
VAJPAYEE: Articles toh newspaper mein chapa jaata hai. Indian constitution newspaper thodi hai?
HARKISHAN: As many as the number of riots in Gujarat.
MULAYAM: Answer hai 786. Musalman bhaiyon gaur karo. Mera jawaab galat ho sakta hai. Parwa nahin, aap ke liye koi bi qurbani karney ke liye, Mulayam tayyaar hai.
LALOO: Humey bahut saarey law pata hai. Brother-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law. Unkey bharey mein poochiey na?
KARUNANIDHI: Cheating. Cheating. When he coached me for this test, Kalanidhi Maran never told me that India has a Constitution.
JAYALALITHA: I don’t even have the time to list the number of articles gifted by my kazhaga kanmanigal. How do you expect me to count the number of articles in the Indian constitution. I refuse to do that.
5. Who killed Gandhi? And why?
SONIA (spontaneously): Rajeev always told me it was some RSS chap.
VAJPAYEE (in anguish): Ho gaya batwara, Toot gaya bhaichara, Goli chali, Bapu bali.
HARKISHAN (waving his finger violently): Guruji Golwalkar, Savarkar & that saffron congressman Sardar Patel.
MULAYAM: Iskey peeche Kalyan Singh Godse ka haath tha.
LALOO: Hoga koi Narendra Modi jaise. Kiya Hindu bote ke liye.
KARUNANIDHI: I forgot to see Kamal Hassan’s Hey Ram. How will I know?
JAYALALITHA (dreaming of an alliance with the BJP): Sonia. She murdered the Gandhi name, the day she came into politics.
6. Name the five Ks dear to every Sikh.
SONIA (racking her brains): Khushwant Singh & Kuldeep Nayyar. I can’t think of anyone else. Hopefully you give me 2 points.
VAJPAYEE (expecting an applause): Sikhon ka kya har aadmi ka 5 Ks hota hai…Kismat, Khwaab, Kanya, Kabbadi aur Karma.
HARKISHAN: No comments. I am secular. Politicians should not talk religion.
MULAYAM: Mere ek hi sikh dost hai - Harkishen Singh Surjeet. Unhe dekhkey bas ek hi K khayaal mein aata hai. Voh hai KESH.
LALOO (starts counting): 1.Khaana 2. Kheema 3. Kebab 5. Kudi
KARUNANIDHI (completely flummoxed. writes some rubbish in Tamil): Kaidey, Kasmalam. Kamnatti, Kabodhi, Kandravi.
JAYALALITHA (takes an educated convent guess): Kajol, Kashmira Shah, Kareena Kapoor, Kim Sharma & Kate Winslett.
7. Who won the Battle of Panipat?
SONIA (takes a wild guess): Kapil Dev?
VAJPAYEE: Sawaal haar ya jeet ka nahi hai. Sawaal desh key garv ka hai.
HARKISHAN: All I know about history is the Russian Revolution & Mao.
MULAYAM: Choudary Devi Lal.
LALOO: Rajputon ke jhagdey mein hamey koi interest nahin hai…
KARUNANIDHI: The only north Indian I know is Shivaji. So that’s my badil.
JAYALALITHA: I have no time to discuss local battles. Why pani? Ask me about Waterloo, I will tell you.
8. What did Porus say to Alexander?
SONIA: Ciao.
VAJPAYEE: Har Har Mahadev.
HARKISHAN: Go right & get lost.
MULAYAM: Jo jeeta wohi sikandar.
LALOO: Jyaada natak kiya toh utakey patak doonga.
KARUNANIDHI: I know PC Alexander. Who is this Porus?
JAYALALITHA: Po da!
9. Who wrote the Indian National Song?
SONIA: I was just listening to Vande Matram. It’s AR Rehman.
VAJPAYEE: Ek kavi jisko hindi ka ek shabd bhi nahin maloom.
HARKISHAN: Some Bengali.
MULAYAM: Javed Akhtar Saab.
LALOO: Mishter Jana Gana Mana
KARUNANIDHI: Surely an AIADMK man. Because he keeps saying Jaya hey, Jaya hey!
JAYALALITHA: Sharmila Tagore’s appa.
10. Where is Jhumritalaiya?
SONIA: 120 Kilometers from 10 Janpath.
VAJPAYEE: Humarey dil main hain.
HARKISHAN: Below the poverty line.
MULAYAM: Ayodhya sey daayen. Mathura sey baayen.
LALOO: Thumrithalaiya ke gaon ke patli gali ke aagey pappu yadav key addey key peeche, ramu kaka key amley ped key neeche.
KARUNANIDHI: Dey karapanpoochithalaiya pureera madri kelvi keluda!
JAYALALITHA: In All India Radio.
11. Write a 10-word essay on India.
SONIA: Mahatmaji, Nehruji, Ferozeji, Indiraji, Rajeevji, Soniaji, Priyankaji, Robertji, Rahulji & Rehanji
VAJPAYEE: Jahaan daal daal par soney ki chidiya karti hai basera…
HARKISHAN: The poor, the meek, the needy, the peasants, the workers, the oppressed, the persecuted, the minorities, the sick & the hopeless.
MULAYAM: Jis desh mein Yadav aur Musalmaan sadaiv nidar aur sukhi rahen.
LALOO: Yadav, Lodh, Koiri, Kahar, Kurmi Kayasth, Bania, Brahman, Rajput, Jat.
KARUNANIDHI: India is what Murasoli Maran used to take care of.
JAYALALITHA: 90-crore people waiting for a kind queen like me.
Wanna get into politics? Try and take this test first.
1. What did Ravish Malhotra tell Prime Minister Indira Gandhi when she asked him, ‘Upar sey Bharat kaisa dikhta hai’?
SONIA: Mamma Mia, it looks so full of people.
VAJPAYEE (writes answer after 10 minutes): Gali gali mein shor hai, ye sawal bada bore hai.
HARKISHAN: India Shining. Bharat Whining.
MULAYAM: Iska jawaab uttar prades ki junta degi.
LALOO (looking at the cheat sheet provided by his friendly Bihari invigilator): Saare jahaan se achcha.
KARUNANIDHI (looks over laloo’s shoulder for the answer and scribbles): Shah Jahaan ka bachcha.
JAYALALITHA (seething with anger, gets up and complains to the invigilator): Alliance doesn’t mean you allow people to copy. Stop Karunanidhi. Or I’ll arrest you under POTA.
2. What is the capital of India?
SONIA: Priyanka told me there’ll be a trick question. The answer is the first I in India.
VAJPAYEE: Wah, chalees saal mein pehle baar mujhe koi ye sawaal pooch raha hai! Atal Bihari ka apmaan. Bad gaya taapmaan. Mera desh mahaan.
HARKISHAN: The capital of India is with industrialists, businessmen and the bloody bourgeoisie.
MULAYAM: Dilli se mera koi naata nahin. Amar Singh se poochiye.
LALOO (looking at the cheat sheet provided by his friendly Bihari invigilator): Nayi Dilli.
KARUNANIDHI: What is, is not important saar. What should be is more important. There will be a day when Singara Chennai will be India’s Capital.
JAYALALITHA: If you follow what Karunanidhi says, you won’t get a capital you will get only capital punishment. (pleased with herself, she continues) Singara Chennai exists only in Karunanidhi’s dreams. To really lift the Tamil spirit I propose we have a rotating capital. Delhi can be the capital for 2 years. Poes Garden can be the capital for the next 2 years.
3. How many colours are there in the Indian tricolour?
SONIA: I am told the Indian flag looks like the Italian flag. So my guess is there are three colours in the Indian tricolour.
VAJPAYEE: Sindhi bhai says there is only one colour. Saffron.
HARKISHEN: Sorry, I am colour blind.
MULAYAM: Hamein toh bas hara dikhta hai…
LALOO: Ai sawaal mashter jao bajao been. The ansher is teen.
KARUNANIDHI: Since I wear black glasses, everything looks black & white to me, saar. So the answer is two.
JAYALALITHA: Because of my convent education in Churchpark and my 45-year old habit of reading The Hindu every morning at kaapi time, I am able to guess the answer as 4.
4. Can you list the number of articles in the Indian constitution?
SONIA GANDHI: If you count the number of As, ANs & THEs in the Indian Constitution it should add up to 46, 324, 212.
VAJPAYEE: Articles toh newspaper mein chapa jaata hai. Indian constitution newspaper thodi hai?
HARKISHAN: As many as the number of riots in Gujarat.
MULAYAM: Answer hai 786. Musalman bhaiyon gaur karo. Mera jawaab galat ho sakta hai. Parwa nahin, aap ke liye koi bi qurbani karney ke liye, Mulayam tayyaar hai.
LALOO: Humey bahut saarey law pata hai. Brother-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law. Unkey bharey mein poochiey na?
KARUNANIDHI: Cheating. Cheating. When he coached me for this test, Kalanidhi Maran never told me that India has a Constitution.
JAYALALITHA: I don’t even have the time to list the number of articles gifted by my kazhaga kanmanigal. How do you expect me to count the number of articles in the Indian constitution. I refuse to do that.
5. Who killed Gandhi? And why?
SONIA (spontaneously): Rajeev always told me it was some RSS chap.
VAJPAYEE (in anguish): Ho gaya batwara, Toot gaya bhaichara, Goli chali, Bapu bali.
HARKISHAN (waving his finger violently): Guruji Golwalkar, Savarkar & that saffron congressman Sardar Patel.
MULAYAM: Iskey peeche Kalyan Singh Godse ka haath tha.
LALOO: Hoga koi Narendra Modi jaise. Kiya Hindu bote ke liye.
KARUNANIDHI: I forgot to see Kamal Hassan’s Hey Ram. How will I know?
JAYALALITHA (dreaming of an alliance with the BJP): Sonia. She murdered the Gandhi name, the day she came into politics.
6. Name the five Ks dear to every Sikh.
SONIA (racking her brains): Khushwant Singh & Kuldeep Nayyar. I can’t think of anyone else. Hopefully you give me 2 points.
VAJPAYEE (expecting an applause): Sikhon ka kya har aadmi ka 5 Ks hota hai…Kismat, Khwaab, Kanya, Kabbadi aur Karma.
HARKISHAN: No comments. I am secular. Politicians should not talk religion.
MULAYAM: Mere ek hi sikh dost hai - Harkishen Singh Surjeet. Unhe dekhkey bas ek hi K khayaal mein aata hai. Voh hai KESH.
LALOO (starts counting): 1.Khaana 2. Kheema 3. Kebab 5. Kudi
KARUNANIDHI (completely flummoxed. writes some rubbish in Tamil): Kaidey, Kasmalam. Kamnatti, Kabodhi, Kandravi.
JAYALALITHA (takes an educated convent guess): Kajol, Kashmira Shah, Kareena Kapoor, Kim Sharma & Kate Winslett.
7. Who won the Battle of Panipat?
SONIA (takes a wild guess): Kapil Dev?
VAJPAYEE: Sawaal haar ya jeet ka nahi hai. Sawaal desh key garv ka hai.
HARKISHAN: All I know about history is the Russian Revolution & Mao.
MULAYAM: Choudary Devi Lal.
LALOO: Rajputon ke jhagdey mein hamey koi interest nahin hai…
KARUNANIDHI: The only north Indian I know is Shivaji. So that’s my badil.
JAYALALITHA: I have no time to discuss local battles. Why pani? Ask me about Waterloo, I will tell you.
8. What did Porus say to Alexander?
SONIA: Ciao.
VAJPAYEE: Har Har Mahadev.
HARKISHAN: Go right & get lost.
MULAYAM: Jo jeeta wohi sikandar.
LALOO: Jyaada natak kiya toh utakey patak doonga.
KARUNANIDHI: I know PC Alexander. Who is this Porus?
JAYALALITHA: Po da!
9. Who wrote the Indian National Song?
SONIA: I was just listening to Vande Matram. It’s AR Rehman.
VAJPAYEE: Ek kavi jisko hindi ka ek shabd bhi nahin maloom.
HARKISHAN: Some Bengali.
MULAYAM: Javed Akhtar Saab.
LALOO: Mishter Jana Gana Mana
KARUNANIDHI: Surely an AIADMK man. Because he keeps saying Jaya hey, Jaya hey!
JAYALALITHA: Sharmila Tagore’s appa.
10. Where is Jhumritalaiya?
SONIA: 120 Kilometers from 10 Janpath.
VAJPAYEE: Humarey dil main hain.
HARKISHAN: Below the poverty line.
MULAYAM: Ayodhya sey daayen. Mathura sey baayen.
LALOO: Thumrithalaiya ke gaon ke patli gali ke aagey pappu yadav key addey key peeche, ramu kaka key amley ped key neeche.
KARUNANIDHI: Dey karapanpoochithalaiya pureera madri kelvi keluda!
JAYALALITHA: In All India Radio.
11. Write a 10-word essay on India.
SONIA: Mahatmaji, Nehruji, Ferozeji, Indiraji, Rajeevji, Soniaji, Priyankaji, Robertji, Rahulji & Rehanji
VAJPAYEE: Jahaan daal daal par soney ki chidiya karti hai basera…
HARKISHAN: The poor, the meek, the needy, the peasants, the workers, the oppressed, the persecuted, the minorities, the sick & the hopeless.
MULAYAM: Jis desh mein Yadav aur Musalmaan sadaiv nidar aur sukhi rahen.
LALOO: Yadav, Lodh, Koiri, Kahar, Kurmi Kayasth, Bania, Brahman, Rajput, Jat.
KARUNANIDHI: India is what Murasoli Maran used to take care of.
JAYALALITHA: 90-crore people waiting for a kind queen like me.
Wanna get into politics? Try and take this test first.
posted by anantha at 4:00 am
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home