Sunday, March 20, 2005


It was a cold, dreary evening in North Pole. Most of the elves were out of town. They were in New York, helping Santa with some wild shoplifting at Walmart. One mischievous elf, however, was busy at Santa’s home, fiddling with his answering machine. He was curious to know one thing. What have the celebrities asked Santa Claus for Christmas? He got his answer when he pressed the message archive button.

Anil Ambani: Hey Santa bhai, I am not a selfish man. I don’t want anything for myself. Bas, Mukesh ki liye ek khwaish hai. He is overworked. And very stressed out. He badly needs a break. So please give him a golden handshake.

Mukesh Ambani: Hi Santa! How are you doing? Life is good at Reliance. So I have no requests to make. But Tina ben ke liye ek cheez chahiye. No. No. I am not asking for some akal for Anil. Ussey Anil bhai ka koi farak nahin padney vala. All I want you to do is to send some Muh ka
M-Seal to Tina. So that she can keep her pati chup. Nahin toh voh sabko sab kuch bak dega.

Kokilaben: Khemche Santa! This may be the strangest request you may get for this Christmas. But I need this very badly to save the maan and sammaan of my late pati Dhirubhai. Please give me 2 new sons as a replacement for Anil & Mukesh. And make that fast.

Kareena: I dunno if you know me. I am Kareena Kapoor. And I urgently need something from you. Mera kuch saamaan Mid-day key paas pada hai. Voh pyaas bujha do, mera voh saamaan lauta do.

VVS Laxman: Hello. If you’re listening Santa, please do me a small favour. I’ve been playing cricket for donkey’s years now. And I still don’t have one good celebrity endorsement under my belt. Sachin, Saurav, Rahul and Irfan have taken away all the malaai. Humey bhi kuch dey bhai. Aakhir, I look as good as Tendulkar, score as many runs as Pathan, drop as many catches as Ganguly and have as big a reputation as Dravid!

Courtney Love: Hey, whassup? Nobody knows what I am talking these days. Hope you can make sense. I’ve always had style. But ever since Kurt attained Nirvana, I am running short of substance. So it’d be great if you can lend me some ecstasy.

Rahul Gandhi: Santa baba, I hope you give my request, top priority. My problem is I don’t have a girl friend. And I want one badly. Getting one is not as easy as you think. My mamma has laid down a few conditions. They are: a) The girl should be shudh 100% Indian. No trace of Colombian blood allowed. b) The girl should speak a smattering of Italian. c) The girl should be willing to talk about her mother-in-law’s sacrifice at the drop of a hat. d) The girl should never give an impression that she’s aspiring for the Prime Minister’s chair. e) In case of emergency, the girl should be willing to deliver stirring election speeches. f) At no point in her life, the girl must drop the Gandhi surname. Hope you’ve jotted down everything. Don’t disappoint me, okay. Bye.

Uma Bharthi: Santaji, Namaste. Aaj kal nobody is talking to me yaar. I heard you listen to everybody. So listen. I was the chaal, charitra and chehra of BJP, till a few days back. But this Mahajan fellow, he threw me out of the party, on kya-kehtein hain…haan flimsy grounds. Now the media peepal are not writing a single story on me. I am afraid they will bhoolofy me soon. Toh isliye, aap ek kaam keejiye…mujhe jald se jald daed saarey pyaar, publicity aur padh dey deejiye. Aap agar ye kaam kar dengey toh hum aapkey naam pey Bhopal mein Santaji ka mandir ek khada karengey. Theek hai?Dhanyawwad.

Bob Woolmer: Mr. Claus, this is Bob, the Pakistan Coach. I need 11 pairs of balls (yeah the type that hang between your legs) and 11 spines, before the Boxing Day test match. Please desist the temptation of using your notoriously slow Reindeer Express. Send the cargo by FedEx, instead. Because I do not have the luxury of time or patience.

Banta Singh: Oi Santa! Main Banta. Tera langot yaar. Suna tu ek class khola hai. Mujhe bhi Santa Class mein shamil kar yaar. Mein bhi kuch seekh loonga…

Just then, the mischievous elf hears a distant rumble of the Reindeer Express. He switches off the answering machine and gets back to his mindless chore, hoping to eavesdrop on the celebrity requests, some other time.


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