Fun Schools

Everyone’s looking for schools with IQ these days. Nope. Not Intelligence Quotient you fool, but Interest Quotient. Burning questions like, ‘Are there enough chicks? Are the profs good looking? Is the course a no-brainer? Will 40% attendance do?’ are very germane to wannabes who hope to run in today’s rat race. In such a scenario, it may not be a bad idea if we consider offering some very stimulating education options. That’s precisely what I’ve done below.

1. The Dhirubhai Institute of Business Ethics
What you get: Post Graduate Diploma in Ethical Wealth Creation
What you learn: Ethical bribes, fair bidding for licenses, principles of lubrication, moral management of immoral men in power, gentle arm twisting, just corporate warfare, impartial eavesdropping and honest rigging of the stock market.

2. Arjun Singh’s Coaching Classes
What you get: Meritorious training for entering the IITs, IIMs & AIIMS.
What you learn: Electoral arithmetic, differentiation, sets and subsets, irrational numbers, selective statistics, specious logic, friction, mandal thermodynamics, Newton’s third law, nuclear fission, myopic optics, entropy, caste chemistry, dissection, diseases & causes, bitter medicines, queue jumping and much, much more.

3. Vijay Mallya’s Art of Living
What you get: King of Good Times Certification
What you learn: Epicurean philosophy, spirited thinking & high living, cocktail karma, page 3 sutra, yoga on a yacht, limelight kriya and other socialite nidras.

4. Greg Chappell’s Diplomacy Academy
What you get: Diploma in Conflict Management
What you learn: The fine art of being subtly direct, drafting polished emails without mincing words, when to show the finger, using the craft of spin to bowl over the press, working towards peace by giving a piece of your mind and how to pose for pretty pictures with your mortal enemy.

5. Narendra Modi University for Secular Studies
What you get: Bachelor’s Degree in Riot Management
What you learn: Creating communal harmony by demolishing religious structures, prompt police action to heal wounds from burning trains, exonerating innocent citizens framed for riot, taking pre-emptive action in a minority of cases and calming sentiments using fiery words.

6. Salman Khan’s Driving Institute
What you get: Crash Course in Accident Management
What you learn: Inebriated driving on lonely lanes, the gymnastics of driving a jeep on a footpath, negotiating human speed bumps, bollywood hit and run techniques, what-ifs of celebrity accidents, looking photogenic in prison photo-ops, living a jailbird life with a vest and getting released before the next Friday release.

For admissions, write to thedean@ifonlythisweretrue.com