Sunday, March 20, 2005

Mathematics Made Easy

Maths gave you the heebie-jeebies? Well here's help from an unlikely source - our politicians. Being a very shrewd and calculative species, they have an instinctive feel for mathematics. So Geometry or geometric progression, they can explain the concept to you in a jiffy. Don’t believe me? Read on.

Prof. Harkishen Singh Surjeet on Geometry:
Geometry is not as complex you think. It’s elementary my dear, Euclid. In the next 5 minutes I shall tell you all that is to be known about geometry. First of all, let me teach you about lines. To understand lines, just think of party lines. The communist party line is one straight line. We’ve been saying the same thing for 50 years. We will continue to say the same thing for the next 50 years. I won’t say the same about BJP. Theirs is a perfect example of a crooked line. If you want to know what are parallel lines, think of capitalism and communism. One celebrates the petty bourgeoisie and the other the proletariat. Never the twain shall meet. Now for some gyaan on angles. What is an angle? An angle is an indication of your orientation. If you’re a bigoted, communal BJP man you are right angled. If you’re a sharp leftist you’re acute angled and if you’re like that socialist turncoat…what is his name…George Fernandes…you are obtuse angled. Right-angled fellows can never come to power on their own. That’s the truth behind the Pythagoras theorem. Even if they have an alliance with these obtuse minded former socialists, they will only be able to square up with the formidable UPA alliance, which is the hypotenuse.

Prof. Lal Kishan Advani on Complex Numbers:
I can simplify complex numbers for you. Complex numbers are like the communists. They are the square root cause of negativism in this country. They are lead by a ‘surd’ who is known for his irrationally rational behaviour. Communism, as you are aware, began because of one negative force named Stalin. Likewise the basis of complex numbers is minus one. The biggest point you must remember about complex numbers is they exist only on paper. Their influence is purely notional like the leftists.

Prof. Mayawati on Permutations & Combinations:
Angreji mujhe aati hai. Aur ganit bhi. Main permutasun combinasun par ab boloongi. Bahujan samaj, suno. Maanlo aaj election ka ailaan hua. Basapa (BSP) ko decide karna hai ki kiskey saath haath milayen. Uttar Prades mein hamarey alava voh rakshas mulayam hai, BJP hai, communist hai aur kaangras hai. Ab alliance do logon ka ho sakta hai, teen logon ka, char logon, kehney ke liye paanchon ka alliance bhi ho sakta. Aur sab akele akele bhi lad saktey hain. Isey combinasun kehtain hain. Ab aap ek baat pe gaur karen. Basapa-kaangras aur Kangras-Basapa alliance main kaafi farak hai. Basapa-kangras ka ye matlab hua ki basapa ko zyaada seatain mil raha hai. Toh aap agar is baat ko dhyaan mein rakhein toh possible combinations bahut hain. Isey shehar key log permutasun kehtain hai. Aap ye sab soch ke confuse mat hoiyiye. Bas haathi par mohar lagayiye.

Prof. Sonia Gandhi on Algebra:
I honed my algebra skills by learning from Rajivji, Indiraji and Nehruji. To understand addition just look at my Prime Minister Equation. Rajivji was a PM, Sooner or later I’ll be a PM. So Rajiv + Sonia should yield two Prime Ministers. Which is what Priyankaji and Rahulji will be, some day. For figuring out subtraction, just look at my party. Remove the Gandhis from the Congress, the Congress will lose the elections. For absorbing the concept of multiplication, just read history. In the beginning there was just one Gandhi. Thanks to Ferozeji, with passage of time, we multiplied to 8 Gandhis – Indiraji, Rajivji, Sanjayji, Me, Rahulji, Priyankaji, Varunji & Rehaanji. Division is something we Gandhis never do. But since I have two children, I will have to do it. India will be divided between Rahulji & Priyankaji. The share will be equal if Priyankaji retains the Gandhi name. If she chooses Vadra, she will be given South India.

Prof. Laloo Prasad Yadav on Differentiation:
Ram ram. Aaj main aapko differensiasun samjhaney valaan hoon. It is beri beri easy. So easy that even Rabri can learn it. Accha agar aapko ek definishun chahiye toh likh lo. Differensiasun ij the calcusasun to differentiate. Samjhey naahin? Accha ek eggjample sunlo. Yadav jaath ko hi ley lo. Yadav ek aadmi nahin hai. Hajaaron tarah key hotey hain. Rajput yaadav, chamaar yadav. akalmand yadav, dakkan yadav, bujinessman yadav, kisan yadav, laloo yadav, mulayam yadav vagayrah vagayrah. Har yadav key soch mein chota chota difference hai. Usey koi bhi bevkoof nahin bana sakta. Bas jo differnsiasun ka mashter ho, vohi bevkoof bana sakta hai. Samjhey na?

Prof. Subramaniam Swamy on Parabolas:
I may be a Harvard Economist. But surely I can teach you a thing are two about Parabolas. To understand a parabola you just have to look at my political graph. One day I am a Jan Sangh man, the next day I am a Janata Party man and the day after I am a Lok Dal man. I’ve opposed Jayalalitha. Fought her tooth and nail. I’ve also sung her praises. Fought elections with her. The point I am making is a parabola is about U-turns. It’s the most unpredictable curve. It’s like a political weathercock. The moment it knows which way the wind is blowing there’s an inflection point and the parabola changes its trajectory. To sum up it’s a maverick like me.

Prof. Chandra Babu Naidu on Triangles:
From my experience in handling coalitions, I can tell a lot about triangles. A triangle is possible because of an apex like Telugu Desam, which specializes in giving outside support. The base of the NDA government was made of two forces, Hindutva and socialist elements. Telugu Desam provided the altitude by setting lofty goals. We stayed equidistant from both thereby making possible an isosceles triangle. If we had moved towards the BJP, the government would have become right-angled and this wouldn’t have been good for the country.



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