Jack Shit's No Brainer # 5

An epitaph is a death sentence.

Square Cuts From Peejay Amritraj

Peejay Amritraj vents his ire on the Indian cricket team with some ajhel jokes.

What’s common to Saurav Ganguly and Illayaraja?
Both have stopped scoring.

Why has Laxman stopped rotating the strike?
Because he is no longer single.

The Hutch ad says ‘Rahul is waiting’. What is Rahul waiting for?
He’s waiting to be the wise captain.

Why do the leftists love Sehwag?
Because he has an awesome strike rate.

What’s the difference between Gautam Gambhir and a Swiss Knife?
The Swiss Knife is a more dependable opener.

Irfan Pathan will make a great brand ambassador for Anchor Switches. Why?
Because he performs off and on.

What was Tendulkar listening to after he got out in the Bangalore Test Match?
Dire Straits

Why was Murali Karthik the second choice for the one-day series?
Because Harbhajan Singh needs a naya doosra.

What is Anil Kumble planning after retirement?
He plans to be the batting coach for the Indian cricket team.

Why is Balaji a big hit with gays?
Because he swings both ways.

What They Say When They Do It

By Dirty David

Automobile Salesman: How about a test ride?

Dental Surgeon: Are you sure your cavity doesn’t need a filling?

Cricketer: I am going to remove the slips and bring the short-leg forward.

Middleman: I think you deserve some kickbacks.

Mathematician: It’s about time we multiplied.

Ornithologist: Can you tell me what the spread-eagle looks like?

Physicist: I wish to carry out some experiments with my discharge tube.

Banker: Can I tempt you with a 9-month deposit that carries a 100% interest?

Art Director: Your layout needs some touching up.

Doctor: Hey, wanna try out my new injection?

Politician: Mind if I cast my vote in you ballot box?

Economist: I know what a boom feels like. But I am not sure if I know everything about the bust.

Terrorist: Where do I plant my bomb?

Bartender: Honey, it’s happy hour. The cocktails are on the house.

Jack Shit's No Brainer # 4

Income may vanish. But tax returns.

Jack Shit's No Brainer # 3

The Siamese twins are a joint family.

Jack Shit's No Brainer # 2

Pregnancy is a swell idea.

Jack Shit's No Brainer # 1

A riot is a stone’s throw away.

Peejay Amritraj Makes His Debut

Why did the Indian Cricket Selectors visit the red light area?
They came searching for some talented hookers.

Which chess term are you most likely to hear in restaurants, down under?
Cheque, mate.

What did one mining engineer tell the other?
Mine is bigger than yours.

What is P Chidambaram’s favourite drink?
VAT 69

Why was VP Singh all for Mandal?
Because he is the reserved type.

What is Janet Jackson’s favourite song?
Flash Dance

Why will communism never be popular with school kids?
Because the average school kid hates his marks.

What do you call a man in a hurry?
Urgent

What’s common to the Moon & Madam Tussaud’s?
They keep waxing all their lives.

Which is the deadliest looking bra?
Cobra

How did Edwin Aldrin make it to the Moon mission?
Just before the blast off, Neil Armstrong had asked NASA to give him a 'Buzz'.

Which courier company never has a power problem?
UPS

What is the computer geek’s favourite detergent?
Surf

Why do most Egyptians suffer from the Oedipus complex?
Because they just love their mummies.

What is the bong’s favourite fabric?
Corduroy

The Slogan Match

To help the cause of celebrity endorsement, I have put together a neat collection of ad slogans that go with cricketers of the past and present. I hope the respective brands take note. And do the needful.

Ashish Nehra
Ooh. Aah. Ouch.

Brett Lee
Fun. Fast. Easy.

Shoaib Akhtar
Sabsey Tez

Irfan Pathan
Neighbour’s envy. Owner’s pride.

Zaheer Khan
The josh machine.

Roger Binny
Size does matter.

Glenn McGrath
Will deliver anywhere on earth.

Jason Gillespie
When you’re No.2, you try harder.

Andrew Flintoff
The Big F

Anil Kumble
Takes a lickin. Keeps on tickin.

Muthiah Muralitharan
Finger lickin good.

Trevor Chappell
Ye under ki baat hai.

Mohinder Amarnath
Good to the last drop

Parthiv Patel
The Axe Effect.

Robin Singh
Lagey raho.

Rahul Dravid
Hum hai na.

Saurav Ganguly
The king of good times.

Sachin Tendulkar
The ultimate driving machine.

Kapil Dev
The complete man.

Brian Lara
Priceless.

Donald Bradman
The best a man can get.

Sunil Gavaskar
A diamond is forever.

VVS Laxman
Elegance is an attitude.

MAK Pataudi
Put a tiger in your tank.

Kevin Pietersen
Dhoa dala.

Sanath Jayasuriya
Anything karega.

Steve Harmison
Makes a big impression.

Virendra Sehwag
Hila key rakh dey.

Tatendu Taibu
Think small.

Websites They Visited Last

Anil Ambani
www.mukeshscambani.biz

Sania Mirza
www.howtobeatennisgoddesswithoutwinningabigmatch.com

Ram Bilas Paswan
www.bihaaryajeet.co.in

Michael Jackson
www.iwasjustkidding.po.rn

Monica Lewinsky
www.isucked.co.ck

Saif Ali Khan
www.cheatingonwives.it

Pervez Musharraff
www.surdjokestohavemanmohanandkashmirinsplits.pok

John Kerry
www.theiraqwar.flip.flop

Shoaib Akhtar
www.daynightmatchwithfastgirls.cot.in.the.act

Condoleeza Rice
www.weaponsofmassdestruction.mo.lies

Sachin Tendulkar
www.1000excusesforfailures.in.cri.ck.et

Osama Bin Laden
www.hideandseekinhillyterrain.co.pk

Janet Jackson
www.flashinthepan.tv

Narain Kartikeyan
www.oneformulaforhighoctanehype.vroom

Dorab Sopariwala
www.bullshittingaboutexitpolls.org.marg

George Dubya Bush
www.shovingdemocracy.up.ur.an.us

My Light, Bulb Jokes

How many Biharis will it take to change a light bulb?
3516. 1000 to install a power plant. 2000 to ensure there’s no theft of power. 500 to spot a working bulb. 10 to install it. 5 to prevent theft of new bulb, socket and wire. And 1 person to bribe all these 3515 people.

How many UP-ites will it take to change a light bulb?
3517. Because Uttar Prades is always one up on Bihar.

How many Bengalis will it take to change a light bulb?
5 crores. Because the only way to get some one to change a bulb in communist Bengal is to change the government.

How many Sardarjis will it take to change a light bulb?
None. Because they are all tube lights.

How many Mallus will it take to replace a light bulb?
Two. One, to go to Gulf to earn enough money to buy a light bulb. And the second to replace the old bulb.

How many Kashmiris will it take to change a light bulb?
None. If it’s made in India.

How many Eunuchs will it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six.

How many Indian Cricketers will it take to change a light bulb?
18. Twelve to accept defeat. A foreign coach to take the blame. And 5 selectors to do the chop and change.

How many MPs will it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. Because they prefer to screw the nation instead.

How many BJPians will it take to change a light bulb?
501. 300 to demolish the old bulb. 200 to do the shila pujan. And 1 kar sevak to install a swadesi bulb in a jiffy.

How many Congressmen will it take to change a light bulb?
30,000,003. Thirty million congressmen to beg Sonia Gandhi to do the job. Who in turn will listen to her inner voice and sacrifice the job to her son Rahul & daughter Priyanka.

Mathematics Made Easy

Maths gave you the heebie-jeebies? Well here's help from an unlikely source - our politicians. Being a very shrewd and calculative species, they have an instinctive feel for mathematics. So Geometry or geometric progression, they can explain the concept to you in a jiffy. Don’t believe me? Read on.

Prof. Harkishen Singh Surjeet on Geometry:
Geometry is not as complex you think. It’s elementary my dear, Euclid. In the next 5 minutes I shall tell you all that is to be known about geometry. First of all, let me teach you about lines. To understand lines, just think of party lines. The communist party line is one straight line. We’ve been saying the same thing for 50 years. We will continue to say the same thing for the next 50 years. I won’t say the same about BJP. Theirs is a perfect example of a crooked line. If you want to know what are parallel lines, think of capitalism and communism. One celebrates the petty bourgeoisie and the other the proletariat. Never the twain shall meet. Now for some gyaan on angles. What is an angle? An angle is an indication of your orientation. If you’re a bigoted, communal BJP man you are right angled. If you’re a sharp leftist you’re acute angled and if you’re like that socialist turncoat…what is his name…George Fernandes…you are obtuse angled. Right-angled fellows can never come to power on their own. That’s the truth behind the Pythagoras theorem. Even if they have an alliance with these obtuse minded former socialists, they will only be able to square up with the formidable UPA alliance, which is the hypotenuse.

Prof. Lal Kishan Advani on Complex Numbers:
I can simplify complex numbers for you. Complex numbers are like the communists. They are the square root cause of negativism in this country. They are lead by a ‘surd’ who is known for his irrationally rational behaviour. Communism, as you are aware, began because of one negative force named Stalin. Likewise the basis of complex numbers is minus one. The biggest point you must remember about complex numbers is they exist only on paper. Their influence is purely notional like the leftists.

Prof. Mayawati on Permutations & Combinations:
Angreji mujhe aati hai. Aur ganit bhi. Main permutasun combinasun par ab boloongi. Bahujan samaj, suno. Maanlo aaj election ka ailaan hua. Basapa (BSP) ko decide karna hai ki kiskey saath haath milayen. Uttar Prades mein hamarey alava voh rakshas mulayam hai, BJP hai, communist hai aur kaangras hai. Ab alliance do logon ka ho sakta hai, teen logon ka, char logon, kehney ke liye paanchon ka alliance bhi ho sakta. Aur sab akele akele bhi lad saktey hain. Isey combinasun kehtain hain. Ab aap ek baat pe gaur karen. Basapa-kaangras aur Kangras-Basapa alliance main kaafi farak hai. Basapa-kangras ka ye matlab hua ki basapa ko zyaada seatain mil raha hai. Toh aap agar is baat ko dhyaan mein rakhein toh possible combinations bahut hain. Isey shehar key log permutasun kehtain hai. Aap ye sab soch ke confuse mat hoiyiye. Bas haathi par mohar lagayiye.

Prof. Sonia Gandhi on Algebra:
I honed my algebra skills by learning from Rajivji, Indiraji and Nehruji. To understand addition just look at my Prime Minister Equation. Rajivji was a PM, Sooner or later I’ll be a PM. So Rajiv + Sonia should yield two Prime Ministers. Which is what Priyankaji and Rahulji will be, some day. For figuring out subtraction, just look at my party. Remove the Gandhis from the Congress, the Congress will lose the elections. For absorbing the concept of multiplication, just read history. In the beginning there was just one Gandhi. Thanks to Ferozeji, with passage of time, we multiplied to 8 Gandhis – Indiraji, Rajivji, Sanjayji, Me, Rahulji, Priyankaji, Varunji & Rehaanji. Division is something we Gandhis never do. But since I have two children, I will have to do it. India will be divided between Rahulji & Priyankaji. The share will be equal if Priyankaji retains the Gandhi name. If she chooses Vadra, she will be given South India.

Prof. Laloo Prasad Yadav on Differentiation:
Ram ram. Aaj main aapko differensiasun samjhaney valaan hoon. It is beri beri easy. So easy that even Rabri can learn it. Accha agar aapko ek definishun chahiye toh likh lo. Differensiasun ij the calcusasun to differentiate. Samjhey naahin? Accha ek eggjample sunlo. Yadav jaath ko hi ley lo. Yadav ek aadmi nahin hai. Hajaaron tarah key hotey hain. Rajput yaadav, chamaar yadav. akalmand yadav, dakkan yadav, bujinessman yadav, kisan yadav, laloo yadav, mulayam yadav vagayrah vagayrah. Har yadav key soch mein chota chota difference hai. Usey koi bhi bevkoof nahin bana sakta. Bas jo differnsiasun ka mashter ho, vohi bevkoof bana sakta hai. Samjhey na?

Prof. Subramaniam Swamy on Parabolas:
I may be a Harvard Economist. But surely I can teach you a thing are two about Parabolas. To understand a parabola you just have to look at my political graph. One day I am a Jan Sangh man, the next day I am a Janata Party man and the day after I am a Lok Dal man. I’ve opposed Jayalalitha. Fought her tooth and nail. I’ve also sung her praises. Fought elections with her. The point I am making is a parabola is about U-turns. It’s the most unpredictable curve. It’s like a political weathercock. The moment it knows which way the wind is blowing there’s an inflection point and the parabola changes its trajectory. To sum up it’s a maverick like me.

Prof. Chandra Babu Naidu on Triangles:
From my experience in handling coalitions, I can tell a lot about triangles. A triangle is possible because of an apex like Telugu Desam, which specializes in giving outside support. The base of the NDA government was made of two forces, Hindutva and socialist elements. Telugu Desam provided the altitude by setting lofty goals. We stayed equidistant from both thereby making possible an isosceles triangle. If we had moved towards the BJP, the government would have become right-angled and this wouldn’t have been good for the country.

QED.

Their Reasons For Existence

Philosopher: I think therefore I am.

Boozer: I drink therefore I am.

Chemist: I Zinc therefore I am.

Networker: I link therefore I am.

Psychologist: I shrink therefore I am.

Fashion Designer: I mink therefore I am.

Skater: I rink therefore I am.

Writer: I ink therefore I am.

Entrepreneur: I inc. therefore I am.

Web Designer: I hyperlink therefore I am.

Chinese: I chink therefore I am.

Gay: I kink therefore I am.

Coward: I blink therefore I am.

Floydian: I pink therefore I am.

Broadcaster: I uplink therefore I am.

Dishwasher: I sink therefore I am.

Sound Engineer: I sync therefore I am.

Foul Mouth: I stink therefore I am.

Clock: I think therefore I a.m. & p.m.

Opthalmologist: Eye think therefore I am.

Procrastinator: I think…um…I think…

Split Personality: We think therefore we are.

Blonde: Me? Think?

The Epitaphs That Await Them

VP Singh
Reserved for the Mandal Messiah who was 54% backward and 46% forward.

PC Sorcar Jr.
Last seen performing the vanishing act.

Pamela Anderson
Breast In Peace.

Manoj Night Shyamalan
Out filming THE END.

LK Advani
Now on an Atma Rath Yatra.

Alyque Padamsee
Will return after the commercial break.

Abdul Kalam
The Agni man lies here in this Prithvi.

Pranoy Roy
Not in The World This Week.

Harkishen Singh Surjeet
You’re right. He’s left.

Sachin Tendulkar
Back to the pavilion after a great innings.

Pete Sampras
Beat life 6-0, 6-0, 6-0.

Mohammad Azharuddin
Retired hurt.

Sabeer Bhatia
Logged out. You can send your wishes to iamupthere@hotmail.com

Dawood Ibrahim
Gone underworld.

Bill Gates
Error 404.
Await release of Bill Gates 2.0.

Michael Jackson
Wacko Jacko just beat it.

Aamir Khan
Inside rehearsing a grave scene.

Jennifer Lopez
Divorced life. Now flirting with the Reaper.

Amitabh Bachchan
Main Azad Hoon

Aishwarya Rai
Left the universe for the Miss Heaven contest.

PT Usha
She just raced past the finish line.

Vishwanathan Anand
Endgame on. Awaiting god’s move.

Andy Grove
Intel Inside

Stephen King
Do not disturb.
Collecting material for Tales of the Crypt.

Steve Bucknor
The third umpire gave him out.

Slogan Murugan Presents

With the Bihar, Haryana & Jharkand elections, round the corner, there’ll be a huge demand for election slogans. To plug this need gap, Slogan Murugan got into action. And this is what he whipped up:

Pro-Laloo
Jab tak raat mein chamkega taara
Yadav bhai ka rahega ye naara
Laloo banega bihar ka raja
Ram bilas ka bajega baaja

Anti-Laloo
Paisa gaya jeb mein
Bihar gaya baad mein
Rabri Devi bani neta
Laloo baney abhi neta

Pro-Laloo
Engine sey chalti hai motor car
Laloo sey chalti hai ye sarkaar
Patna ka hamra George Bush
Rakhey har jaath ko khush

Pro-Ram Bilaas
Gaon gaon mein uthi awaaj
Nahin chahiye laloo raaj
Brashtachaar ko karo khalaas
Is baar lao Ram Bilaas

Anti-Laloo
Doob gaya bihaar ka naav
Ro raha hai har ek gaanv
Ab na raha maan sammaan
Jab mumbai jaye bhai jaan

Pro-opposition
Usne khaya sab mein ghoos
Hamein mila bas ghaas phoos
Na miti pyaas, na mila bijli
Bas roz roz paisey ki khujli
Nahin chalega ye atyachaar
Badal dalo ye sarkaar

Anti-Chautala
Sunlo bhai, sunlo puttar
Dena is chunao mein sahi uttar
Agar na chahiye ghotala
Fenk do om prakash chautala

Pro-Chautala
Na Bansi Lal, Na Bhajan Lal
Ye sab hain tan tan gopaal
Agar jat ko chahiye note
Toh Om prakash ko do tum vote

The Opinion Pole

Change the yellow to green
Stripes make you look lean
That line sounds very phony
Always go in for Sony

Free advice, free advice
I can give you free advice
Sometimes serious, sometimes fun
On any topic under the sun

If you are dumb elect Bush
If you want sales you gotta push
Buy Infosys, Sell Reliance
BJP must go in for an alliance

Free advice, free advice
I can give you free advice
It doesn’t cost a dime
Just a few seconds of your time

Sachin needs to take a break
Take Karpooradi for your ache
Manisha needs to shed some fat
Join IMS for cracking CAT

Free advice, free advice
I can give you free advice
Anytime of the day
March, April or May

Try Vastu for some luck
Hotel India for Bombay Duck
Your dialogues are too wordy
That game is too nerdy

Free advice, free advice
I can give you free advice
So do lend me your ear
Whether you’re far or near

Big Questions

Is it right to be wrong?
Do you have faith in logic?
Is there anyone you hate to love?
Where’s the body of the soul?
Why should every beginning have an end?
Can I be you?
What if the truth masquerades as a lie?
Are we awake when we sleep?
Can there be a future without a past?
Is a world without nations possible?
Whom does the leader follow?
Where’s the idea in ideologies?
Can sweat ever be sweet?
Is there an enemy lurking inside a friend?
How dumb is intelligence?
Should we pity the happy?
Are we inside a cell or is the cell inside us?
When will the adult be a child?
What can buy money?
Why do we fight wars for peace?
Is it sane to be crazy?
Do gods really care for religion?
Is there an ocean inside a drop of water?
How pointless is a goal?
Why do we divide after multiplication?
Who gave birth to abortion?
Why don’t we celebrate defeats?
How alive are we when we’re dead?
Can there be a thinker without thoughts?
How illiterate is the educated?
What do you when the cop is a thief?
How much of love is lust?
Are we deaf to our inner voice?
What will the communist do without the capital?
Did noise mother music?
Why do the anonymous eschew fame?
How profound is trivia?
Why does equality beget inequality?
Are the brave really unafraid?
When did common sense become a rare trait?
Isn’t a mountain, a molehill?
Why are all superiors inferior?
How backward is the forward caste?
Should the majority fear the minority?
Is illusion the reality?
When will we start questioning answers?

WHAT THEY ASKED SANTA

It was a cold, dreary evening in North Pole. Most of the elves were out of town. They were in New York, helping Santa with some wild shoplifting at Walmart. One mischievous elf, however, was busy at Santa’s home, fiddling with his answering machine. He was curious to know one thing. What have the celebrities asked Santa Claus for Christmas? He got his answer when he pressed the message archive button.

Anil Ambani: Hey Santa bhai, I am not a selfish man. I don’t want anything for myself. Bas, Mukesh ki liye ek khwaish hai. He is overworked. And very stressed out. He badly needs a break. So please give him a golden handshake.

Mukesh Ambani: Hi Santa! How are you doing? Life is good at Reliance. So I have no requests to make. But Tina ben ke liye ek cheez chahiye. No. No. I am not asking for some akal for Anil. Ussey Anil bhai ka koi farak nahin padney vala. All I want you to do is to send some Muh ka
M-Seal to Tina. So that she can keep her pati chup. Nahin toh voh sabko sab kuch bak dega.

Kokilaben: Khemche Santa! This may be the strangest request you may get for this Christmas. But I need this very badly to save the maan and sammaan of my late pati Dhirubhai. Please give me 2 new sons as a replacement for Anil & Mukesh. And make that fast.

Kareena: I dunno if you know me. I am Kareena Kapoor. And I urgently need something from you. Mera kuch saamaan Mid-day key paas pada hai. Voh pyaas bujha do, mera voh saamaan lauta do.

VVS Laxman: Hello. If you’re listening Santa, please do me a small favour. I’ve been playing cricket for donkey’s years now. And I still don’t have one good celebrity endorsement under my belt. Sachin, Saurav, Rahul and Irfan have taken away all the malaai. Humey bhi kuch dey bhai. Aakhir, I look as good as Tendulkar, score as many runs as Pathan, drop as many catches as Ganguly and have as big a reputation as Dravid!

Courtney Love: Hey, whassup? Nobody knows what I am talking these days. Hope you can make sense. I’ve always had style. But ever since Kurt attained Nirvana, I am running short of substance. So it’d be great if you can lend me some ecstasy.

Rahul Gandhi: Santa baba, I hope you give my request, top priority. My problem is I don’t have a girl friend. And I want one badly. Getting one is not as easy as you think. My mamma has laid down a few conditions. They are: a) The girl should be shudh 100% Indian. No trace of Colombian blood allowed. b) The girl should speak a smattering of Italian. c) The girl should be willing to talk about her mother-in-law’s sacrifice at the drop of a hat. d) The girl should never give an impression that she’s aspiring for the Prime Minister’s chair. e) In case of emergency, the girl should be willing to deliver stirring election speeches. f) At no point in her life, the girl must drop the Gandhi surname. Hope you’ve jotted down everything. Don’t disappoint me, okay. Bye.

Uma Bharthi: Santaji, Namaste. Aaj kal nobody is talking to me yaar. I heard you listen to everybody. So listen. I was the chaal, charitra and chehra of BJP, till a few days back. But this Mahajan fellow, he threw me out of the party, on kya-kehtein hain…haan flimsy grounds. Now the media peepal are not writing a single story on me. I am afraid they will bhoolofy me soon. Toh isliye, aap ek kaam keejiye…mujhe jald se jald daed saarey pyaar, publicity aur padh dey deejiye. Aap agar ye kaam kar dengey toh hum aapkey naam pey Bhopal mein Santaji ka mandir ek khada karengey. Theek hai?Dhanyawwad.

Bob Woolmer: Mr. Claus, this is Bob, the Pakistan Coach. I need 11 pairs of balls (yeah the type that hang between your legs) and 11 spines, before the Boxing Day test match. Please desist the temptation of using your notoriously slow Reindeer Express. Send the cargo by FedEx, instead. Because I do not have the luxury of time or patience.

Banta Singh: Oi Santa! Main Banta. Tera langot yaar. Suna tu ek class khola hai. Mujhe bhi Santa Class mein shamil kar yaar. Mein bhi kuch seekh loonga…

Just then, the mischievous elf hears a distant rumble of the Reindeer Express. He switches off the answering machine and gets back to his mindless chore, hoping to eavesdrop on the celebrity requests, some other time.

INTERVIEW WITH RAVANA

Prabhu Jhootwala proudly presents his first interview with a long forgotten legend.

Ram Ram, Ravanji. It’s a great pleasure meeting you. Can you tell us a few words about yourself for the benefit of our dumb readers?
Ravan: Long before Dawood Ibrahim, when the world was lusting for an underworld don, I decided to fill the void. I chose Lanka as my joint. And did everything that a good don must do. I amassed wealth. Built a swanky palace. Bumped off those who deserved to die. Ensured my boys never felt the pinch of wine or women. And also acted as a godfather for my silly siblings who never for one moment felt ashamed to pylon to me.

How did your parents react to your move? Did they clap with glee when they heard that you’re going to be the dada of demons?
Ravan: Not exactly. To put it mildly, my parents died a hundred deaths when they heard of my decision. All their life, they wanted me to be a god fearing achcha bachcha. And here I was bent on crushing their dreams. Initially I felt bad. But then I told myself kuch paaney key liye kuch khona padta hai. Anyways, to address their concerns, I acquired a goodie-goodie bharatiya naari called Mandodari as my wife.

I would like to digress here and ask you a doubt that has plagued me all my life. When you sneeze, how would you know which of your 10 heads, let out that sneeze?
Ravan: Well, that’s a tricky one. Years ago, a pesky reporter named Valmiki, asked me the same question. Well, all I can say is that, I go by the seventh law of common sense. Which is - he who has a wet moustache is always guilty of a sneeze!

Talking of common sense, why the hell did you make the mistake of kidnapping Sita, wife of Lord Ram?
Ravan (angry): This is a huge slander campaign that’s been going on for ages. That bloke Valmiki started it all. If I were alive, I would slap a defamation suit on anyone who makes such a dubious charge. The truth is, I was on a wild safari in some god-forsaken jungle in India. I found this beautiful woman helplessly all alone in a little hut surrounded by all kinds of beasts. The chivalrous me, decided to help her out. So I offered her a lift. I took her to the nearest civilization, on my flying limousine. The nearest civilization happened to be Lanka. But then her brother-in-law created such a ruckus that the world thought I was kidnapping her. This is what happens when you go out of the way to help a woman.

You expect us to believe that yarn? If all you did were to provide a safe haven to Sita, Lord Ram would have hugged you as his long lost buddy. But instead he waged a war against you. What do you say for that?
Ravan: Not all wars are fought for a just cause. Look at what George Bush did. He attacked Iraq citing Weapons of Mass Destruction. And when he won the war, he could not even find a single shred of evidence to back his hypothesis. That’s what happened in my case. Ram assumed I kidnapped his wife. He presumed I harassed her. And he launched a bloody war based on that premise. He wiped out a whole country and went back with the halo of a god. If this incident had happened today, I would have had the wholehearted support of human rights organizations across the world. Ram would have been condemned as a war criminal by Amnesty International. People would have taken to the streets in London. Arundhati Roy would have written a book about me. Shekhar Kapoor would have made a movie on me.

Lord Ram gave you a chance. He sent a messenger in the form of Hanuman. You could have explained your story and made peace with him. Why didn’t you do that?
Ravan: Look I don’t wish to hurt anyone’s religious sentiments. But I would like to ask you one thing. What kind of a man sends a monkey as a negotiator? How would Gorbachev have reacted if Reagan had sent a monkey for the peace talks? How do you expect me, the great Ravan, to speak to a monkey about my side of the story? So I didn’t even bother.

The way you’re talking, I get this feeling you’re a saint. But the world thinks you’re a sinner. How are you going to correct this impression?
Ravan: I am no saint. I don’t want that title. I don’t even mind being called a sinner. But what irks me the most is this campaign of calumny to project me as a pervert. As a first step to fight this image problem, I would like to issue a statement, Mr. Jhootwala. ‘Read my lips, I stole nobody’s wife. I just did her a favour.’

Another charge against you, Ravanji, is your so-called mighty army lost to an army of monkeys. How do you react to that?
Ravan: Anything that I say against monkeys may backfire on me. Maneka Gandhi and her band of animal activists will be up in arms. I don’t wish to do or say anything that will hurt my image further.

Any unfulfilled dreams?
Ravan: I always wanted to be the brand ambassador for Head & Shoulders shampoo.

What is your message to the youth of the country?
Ravan: I have only one message – Never have 10 heads if you have a dandruff problem.

GOD SAVE THE PRESS

It was a cosmic moment of profound insignificance. God had just woken up, after a short nap. Nothing seemed to have changed in this brief interval of 4.6 billion years. The world appeared as it was - in a perfect state of chaos. As always, God decided to send a signal to his believers that he’s wide awake now. So he took an innovative route. He sent a press release to Reuters with a one-line statement that read: This is God and I’d like to say only one thing - forget the imposters, I am back. Reuters promptly flashed this news to newspapers, magazines and TV channels across the world. God was keen to know how the press reacted. So he ordered the Divine Image Management Company to send him the executive summary of the media reaction immediately. The DIMC promptly culled out the headlines and dispatched it to God. Featured below is a sprinkling of the press coverage, God managed –

New York Times (front page headline):
JESUS, GOD IS ALIVE!

The Guardian (the lead piece was about a British hostage in Iraq, this one was a small story in the front page): CHURCH IN QUANDARY. GOD SPILLS THE BEANS.

The Sun (the London tabloid carried a screaming front page headline):
GOD CALLS POPE IMPOSTER.

News of the World (a tabloid known for its scoops):
GODZILLA PART 3: THE HUMUNGOUS HOAX

Wall Street Journal (headline with the picture of a huge bear):
DOW JONES CRASHES AS GOD DROPS BOMBSHELL

Times of India (lead story with a colour picture of a sleeping vishnu)
GOOD HEAVENS, GOD ISSUES A WAKE UP CALL.

Indian Express (front page box item story with Gurumoorthy’s byline):
HEY BHAGWAN, OUR RISHIS WERE RIGHT!

The Hindu (featured this news after 3 days in a small column with a predictably drab headline on page 14): ‘GOD’ ISSUES PRESS STATEMENT.

Time Magazine (cover story with picture of Uncle Sam in a monk’s outfit)
IS GOD AN AMERICAN?

The Economist (cover story with illustrations of a broken cross, a twisted trishul & a crooked crescent): THE END OF RELIGION: How God’s statement has changed the way the world looks at religion.

Playboy (provocative cover picture of a nude model with a jesus tatoo)
GOD REVEALS ALL

Rolling Stone (cover story pix features a bunch of black artists):
THANK GOD, GOSPEL MUSIC ROCKS.

Fortune (cover pix of empty coffers)
IN GOD WE DISTRUST: How Religions are coping with the bolt from the blue.

National Geographic (cover story pix of a martian terrain with a mysterious face embedded on it): PLANET GOD: The race to discover God’s Own Country.

India Today (cover story pix is a question mark with a halo):
IS GOD A MYTH? The ORG-MARG opinion poll on what India thinks.

Outlook (cover screaming with a saffron headline):
OH MY GOD! The Great Expose on one thousand Swamijis & how they cheated millions in the name of God.

Femina (cover story pix of a model dressed like ardhnarishwar)
IS GOD BISEXUAL?

Among the Television stations, Al Jazeera didn’t carry the story. The BBC tucked in the news with the weather report and the CNN launched a series of investigative programs with some leading televangelists as moderators. The programs carried the umbrella title GOD KNOWS WHY.

To know how god felt about the coverage, send a mail to fumingwithanger@heaven.com.

LIFE

Cry.
Lie.
Nappy.
Happy.

Stumble.
Mumble.
Walk.
Talk.

LKG.
UKG.
Fables.
Tables.

Toys.
Boys.
Laces.
Braces.

Grammar.
Stammer.
Fiction.
Diction.

Sums.
Chums.
Dates.
Hates.

Action.
Reaction.
History.
Mystery.

Graded.
Jaded.
Fail.
Wail.

Dad.
Mad.
Mom.
Calm.

Realization.
Specialization.
Ability.
Mobility.

Hired.
Desired.
Baby.
Maybe.

Married.
Harried.
Swift.
Drift.

Chore.
Bore.
Work.
Shirk.

Think.
Drink.
Switch.
Itch.

Smoke.
Joke.
Settle.
Kettle.

Plan.
Clan.
Fame.
Name.

Nourish.
Flourish.
Save.
Gave.

Tired.
Retired.
Cold.
Old.

Fever.
Griever.
Strained.
Pained.

Huff.
Puff.
Sigh.
Die.

THE IQ TEST FOR POLITICIANS

A fantasy test to assess the India Quotient of our netas.

1. What did Ravish Malhotra tell Prime Minister Indira Gandhi when she asked him, ‘Upar sey Bharat kaisa dikhta hai’?

SONIA: Mamma Mia, it looks so full of people.

VAJPAYEE (writes answer after 10 minutes): Gali gali mein shor hai, ye sawal bada bore hai.

HARKISHAN: India Shining. Bharat Whining.

MULAYAM: Iska jawaab uttar prades ki junta degi.

LALOO (looking at the cheat sheet provided by his friendly Bihari invigilator): Saare jahaan se achcha.

KARUNANIDHI (looks over laloo’s shoulder for the answer and scribbles): Shah Jahaan ka bachcha.

JAYALALITHA (seething with anger, gets up and complains to the invigilator): Alliance doesn’t mean you allow people to copy. Stop Karunanidhi. Or I’ll arrest you under POTA.

2. What is the capital of India?

SONIA: Priyanka told me there’ll be a trick question. The answer is the first I in India.

VAJPAYEE: Wah, chalees saal mein pehle baar mujhe koi ye sawaal pooch raha hai! Atal Bihari ka apmaan. Bad gaya taapmaan. Mera desh mahaan.

HARKISHAN: The capital of India is with industrialists, businessmen and the bloody bourgeoisie.

MULAYAM: Dilli se mera koi naata nahin. Amar Singh se poochiye.

LALOO (looking at the cheat sheet provided by his friendly Bihari invigilator): Nayi Dilli.

KARUNANIDHI: What is, is not important saar. What should be is more important. There will be a day when Singara Chennai will be India’s Capital.

JAYALALITHA: If you follow what Karunanidhi says, you won’t get a capital you will get only capital punishment. (pleased with herself, she continues) Singara Chennai exists only in Karunanidhi’s dreams. To really lift the Tamil spirit I propose we have a rotating capital. Delhi can be the capital for 2 years. Poes Garden can be the capital for the next 2 years.

3. How many colours are there in the Indian tricolour?

SONIA: I am told the Indian flag looks like the Italian flag. So my guess is there are three colours in the Indian tricolour.

VAJPAYEE: Sindhi bhai says there is only one colour. Saffron.

HARKISHEN: Sorry, I am colour blind.

MULAYAM: Hamein toh bas hara dikhta hai…

LALOO: Ai sawaal mashter jao bajao been. The ansher is teen.

KARUNANIDHI: Since I wear black glasses, everything looks black & white to me, saar. So the answer is two.

JAYALALITHA: Because of my convent education in Churchpark and my 45-year old habit of reading The Hindu every morning at kaapi time, I am able to guess the answer as 4.

4. Can you list the number of articles in the Indian constitution?

SONIA GANDHI: If you count the number of As, ANs & THEs in the Indian Constitution it should add up to 46, 324, 212.

VAJPAYEE: Articles toh newspaper mein chapa jaata hai. Indian constitution newspaper thodi hai?

HARKISHAN: As many as the number of riots in Gujarat.

MULAYAM: Answer hai 786. Musalman bhaiyon gaur karo. Mera jawaab galat ho sakta hai. Parwa nahin, aap ke liye koi bi qurbani karney ke liye, Mulayam tayyaar hai.

LALOO: Humey bahut saarey law pata hai. Brother-in-law, son-in-law, daughter-in-law. Unkey bharey mein poochiey na?

KARUNANIDHI: Cheating. Cheating. When he coached me for this test, Kalanidhi Maran never told me that India has a Constitution.

JAYALALITHA: I don’t even have the time to list the number of articles gifted by my kazhaga kanmanigal. How do you expect me to count the number of articles in the Indian constitution. I refuse to do that.

5. Who killed Gandhi? And why?

SONIA (spontaneously): Rajeev always told me it was some RSS chap.

VAJPAYEE (in anguish): Ho gaya batwara, Toot gaya bhaichara, Goli chali, Bapu bali.

HARKISHAN (waving his finger violently): Guruji Golwalkar, Savarkar & that saffron congressman Sardar Patel.

MULAYAM: Iskey peeche Kalyan Singh Godse ka haath tha.

LALOO: Hoga koi Narendra Modi jaise. Kiya Hindu bote ke liye.

KARUNANIDHI: I forgot to see Kamal Hassan’s Hey Ram. How will I know?

JAYALALITHA (dreaming of an alliance with the BJP): Sonia. She murdered the Gandhi name, the day she came into politics.

6. Name the five Ks dear to every Sikh.

SONIA (racking her brains): Khushwant Singh & Kuldeep Nayyar. I can’t think of anyone else. Hopefully you give me 2 points.

VAJPAYEE (expecting an applause): Sikhon ka kya har aadmi ka 5 Ks hota hai…Kismat, Khwaab, Kanya, Kabbadi aur Karma.

HARKISHAN: No comments. I am secular. Politicians should not talk religion.

MULAYAM: Mere ek hi sikh dost hai - Harkishen Singh Surjeet. Unhe dekhkey bas ek hi K khayaal mein aata hai. Voh hai KESH.

LALOO (starts counting): 1.Khaana 2. Kheema 3. Kebab 5. Kudi

KARUNANIDHI (completely flummoxed. writes some rubbish in Tamil): Kaidey, Kasmalam. Kamnatti, Kabodhi, Kandravi.

JAYALALITHA (takes an educated convent guess): Kajol, Kashmira Shah, Kareena Kapoor, Kim Sharma & Kate Winslett.

7. Who won the Battle of Panipat?

SONIA (takes a wild guess): Kapil Dev?

VAJPAYEE: Sawaal haar ya jeet ka nahi hai. Sawaal desh key garv ka hai.

HARKISHAN: All I know about history is the Russian Revolution & Mao.

MULAYAM: Choudary Devi Lal.

LALOO: Rajputon ke jhagdey mein hamey koi interest nahin hai…

KARUNANIDHI: The only north Indian I know is Shivaji. So that’s my badil.

JAYALALITHA: I have no time to discuss local battles. Why pani? Ask me about Waterloo, I will tell you.

8. What did Porus say to Alexander?

SONIA: Ciao.

VAJPAYEE: Har Har Mahadev.

HARKISHAN: Go right & get lost.

MULAYAM: Jo jeeta wohi sikandar.

LALOO: Jyaada natak kiya toh utakey patak doonga.

KARUNANIDHI: I know PC Alexander. Who is this Porus?

JAYALALITHA: Po da!

9. Who wrote the Indian National Song?

SONIA: I was just listening to Vande Matram. It’s AR Rehman.

VAJPAYEE: Ek kavi jisko hindi ka ek shabd bhi nahin maloom.

HARKISHAN: Some Bengali.

MULAYAM: Javed Akhtar Saab.

LALOO: Mishter Jana Gana Mana

KARUNANIDHI: Surely an AIADMK man. Because he keeps saying Jaya hey, Jaya hey!

JAYALALITHA: Sharmila Tagore’s appa.

10. Where is Jhumritalaiya?

SONIA: 120 Kilometers from 10 Janpath.

VAJPAYEE: Humarey dil main hain.

HARKISHAN: Below the poverty line.

MULAYAM: Ayodhya sey daayen. Mathura sey baayen.

LALOO: Thumrithalaiya ke gaon ke patli gali ke aagey pappu yadav key addey key peeche, ramu kaka key amley ped key neeche.

KARUNANIDHI: Dey karapanpoochithalaiya pureera madri kelvi keluda!

JAYALALITHA: In All India Radio.

11. Write a 10-word essay on India.

SONIA: Mahatmaji, Nehruji, Ferozeji, Indiraji, Rajeevji, Soniaji, Priyankaji, Robertji, Rahulji & Rehanji

VAJPAYEE: Jahaan daal daal par soney ki chidiya karti hai basera…

HARKISHAN: The poor, the meek, the needy, the peasants, the workers, the oppressed, the persecuted, the minorities, the sick & the hopeless.

MULAYAM: Jis desh mein Yadav aur Musalmaan sadaiv nidar aur sukhi rahen.

LALOO: Yadav, Lodh, Koiri, Kahar, Kurmi Kayasth, Bania, Brahman, Rajput, Jat.

KARUNANIDHI: India is what Murasoli Maran used to take care of.

JAYALALITHA: 90-crore people waiting for a kind queen like me.

Wanna get into politics? Try and take this test first.

THE AMBANI SONG

"Money for Nothing ' rendered by Mukesh & Anil Ambani.
Sung to the tune of the Dire Straits classic.

(Anil wailing in the background)

I want my…

I want my…

I want my MD's seat…

(Mukesh retorts)

Now look at him gujjus that's the way to do it
He’ll say anything for the MD's seat
It ain't workin' and papa’s verdict shows it
Money for nothin' and chicks for free
Now it ain't workin' and mamma also knows it
Lemme tell ya that guy ain't dumb
He’ll maybe get a blister on his little finger
He’ll maybe get a blister on his thumb

I gotta install fiber optic cables
Custom petro refinerieeeeeeees
I gotta move these investment bankers
I gotta woo many MPs please

(Anil still wailing in the background)

I want my…

I want my…

I want my MD's seat…

(Mukesh continues)

See that slick talker with a page 3 smile
Yeah buddy he gels his hair
That slick talker hogs all the limelight
That Casanova has all the fun

I gotta install fiber optic cables
Custom petro refinerieeeeeeees
I gotta move these investment bankers
I gotta woo many MPs please

(Anil decides to taunt Mukesh again)

I want my…

I want my…

I want my MD's seat…

(Mukesh sings angrily)

I shoulda learned to be the playboy
I shoulda learned to twiddle my thumbs
Look at that mama, he’s flirting with another one on camera
Man I could have had some fun
And he's up there, what's that? Garba dance noise?
Bangin' on bong girls like a romeoji
It ain't workin' that's the way he does it
Gets his money for nothin' gets his chicks for free

I gotta install fiber optic cables
Custom petro refinerieeeeeeees
I gotta move these investment bankers
I gotta woo many MPs please

(Anil tries one last time)

I want my…

I want my…

I want my MD's seat…

(Mukesh lashes out)

Now it ain't workin' that's the way he does it
He’ll say anything for the MD's seat
That ain't workin' and mamma also knows it
He gets his money for nothin' gets his chicks for free
Money for nothin' gets chicks for free
Money for nothin’ chicks for free…

Music fades. The next request is for brothers in arms...

THE NAMING GAME

Yaseer Arafat died and went straight to hell. Nobody recognized the poor bloke. Satan announced a reward of a hundred harems to any one who coins an appropriate name for this unknown entity from earth. Lured by the incentive, many illustrious citizens of Pandemonium participated in the contest. Here’s a shortlist of their suggestions.

Michael Faraday: Since he looks like a radical element, I think we should call him ION.

Sigmund Freud: After a thorough examination of his deepest, darkest desires, I have come to the conclusion that PSYCHO sums him up the best.

Henry Ford: The sods in the market research department of Ford, a company run by my demented progeny, have suggested that I should call him Terrorist. Now that name sucks. Why not shorten it and call him T? Wait, wait…on second thoughts, MODEL-T should fit like a tee.

Ronald Reagan: I just made a phone call to that dumbass Dubya. I told him look, there’s this guy in Hell with a headgear. He looks as clueless as you. What could his name be? Dubya called the CIA. They gave him the name in a jiffy. I asked him to spell it out. He told me it’s A ROUGH FAT.

Adolf Hitler: You know what. When I head from a little nazi bird that this man killed Jews, I was planning to label him JUICER. But when I was told that he got a Nobel Peace Prize for it, I decided I should call him LOSER!

Harry Houdini: I’ve heard a lot about the escapades of this lad. Considering his magical hold over Arabs, I deem it fit to call him ARAB-A-CADABRA.

Isaac Newton: By the very fact that he’s entered hell, we can deduce that he’s become the fallen. There’s no better notation for the fallen than GRAVITY. So that’s my recommendation.

Pythagoras: It’s fair and square to call him HYPOTENUSE. Because 1) He had a rightist angle to whatever he did. 2) If a represents America, b represents Israel and c represents Palestine, this guy always ensured that c is greater than a + b.

Antonio Vivaldi: Now that it’s clear, that this gentleman shall spend the summer, winter, autumn and spring of his eternity over here, I shall make the overture of calling him FOUR SEASONS.

Shakespeare: What’s in a name? A skunk by any other name shall still stink as much. So I suggest we just call him ANONYMOUS.

If you have any ideas you can mail the same to go2hell@will.com

Dilemmas

Hot or cold
Young or old

Heavy or light
Wrong or right

Truth or Lies
Harsh or nice

Friend or foe
Yes or no

Near or far
Peace or war

Chicken or egg
Borrow or beg

Buy or sell
Heaven or hell

Despair or Hope
Prophet or Pope

Joy or sorrow
Today or tomorrow

Metal or pop
Thief or cop

Girlfriend or wife
Harmony or strife

Heart or mind
Cruel or kind

Smart or dumb
Touchy or numb

Work or play
Night or day

Strong or meek
Dude or geek

Active or lazy
Clear or hazy

Head or tail
Sink or sail

Better or worse
Wordy or terse

Quantity or quality
Merit or equality

Copy or art
Finish or start

Why did the murgi cross the road?

Sitaram Yechuri: What’s more important is did it cross the road from left or right. If it chose left then it’s a progressive, secular and a liberal chicken. If it chose right then it must be anti-people.

Ambika Soni: This can only be decided by the Congress high command. Our leader Soniaji will issue a statement soon.

Venkaiah Naidu: Arre bhai, the funda is very clear. The murgi is a BJP worker. Jab ek haath mein jhanda aur doosre haath mein ho agenda, tho anda kaisey rahega thanda!

Karunanidhi: Why discuss Hindi-speaking murgis? Why not talk about Tamil-speaking murugans?

Jayalalitha: I wish to remind people that Karunanidhi is hoodwinking the public. In his many years of misrule he did nothing for the murugans. I hereby announce a reward of Rs. 1 lakh for any murugan crossing the road.

Mayawati: The murgi wants to cross the road because it’s part of the bahujan samaj. Every one in the bahujan samaj wants to cross roads but manuwadi forces represented by the BJP, Congress & Mulayam Singh Yadav are placing roadblocks. Hamein koi nahin rok sakta!

Amar Singh: My behen Mayawati only talks bakwaas. She forgets the murgis are at crossroads because of her gooda raj. Maulayamji is taking all steps to ensure they cross the road. We have even announced a 77% reservation for all Yadav, Dalit and Muslim murgis.

Laloo Prasad Yadav: Bhy should a murgi cross the road? Ghar ki murgi dal barabaar. Toh isliye desh basiyon hum…laloo prasad yadav, union railway minishter ye announcement karta hai ki kal sey har gaon mein ek Murgi Express chalegi.

Praveen Togadia: Hindu virodhi Laloo Prasad Yadav ne apne vote bank ke liye Murgi Express ka ailaan kiya. This has hurt the sentiments of 80 crore Hindus. The cow is the sacred symbol of Hindustan not murgi. So we demand a Gomata Express. Otherwise we will be forced to launch a Go Yatra.

Chandrababu Naidu: I condemn the attempt to communalise this issue. If the BJP doesn’t disassociate itself from Togadia’s statement, we will be forced to review our equations with the NDA. As for the Murgi, I did a lot as the Chief Minister of Andhra Pradesh. We built 35,000 roads, 16000 poultry farms and a round-the-clock telephone line to receive feedback from the murgis. And for doing all this my take home pay was chicken feed

Maneka Gandhi: I feel this is an intrusion into the private life of a young, impressionable bird. This discussion may crush the individuality of the chicken and may severely hamper its ability to evolve into a mother hen. I am going to fight this tooth and nail. Anyone indulging in this dangerous debate should be arrested under Prevention of Cruelty to Animals.

Pranoy Roy: Exit polls conducted by Dorab Sopariwala have indicated that 65% of the murgis feel it may be because of the TINA (there is no alternative) factor.

Mahesh Bhatt: This is symptomatic of the female fixation in this country. It wouldn’t have been such a big issue if a murga had crossed the road.

Harsha Bhogle: All I can say is it’s not cricket. For expert comments, you should ask Sunil Gavaskar or Sir Geoffrey Boycott.

Cyrus Broacha: Hats off to the murgi! I think the chicks in India have really come of age.

Ram Gopal Verma: That’ll make a great title for my next movie. May be I’ll cast Antara Mali as the murgi. It’ll make one hell of a concept.

Anu Malik: I am inspired by this intriguing question to create a really original song. (whips out his harmonium and plays with a blissful look) Ye kya hua…kaise hua…kab hua…kyon hua…ye na poocho…

Arundhati Roy: I shall let you know my view with a fiery article written using 20,000 words for the Outlook Magazine. The title will be ‘The Angst of The Headless Chicken’

Vishwanathan Anand: I am more interested in the number of moves the murgi would have made to cross the road.

Govt. Spokesperson: We have appointed a 3-member committee headed by Justice Bakra Singh to enquire into this. The report should be ready in 6-months. We request the general public to desist from airing their views to ensure a free and fair enquiry.

Me

Serious joke.
Original cliché.
Bland spice.
Blue rainbow.
Swift snail.
Focused drifter.
Crazily sane.
Stunningly mediocre.
Ballsy coward.
Likeable devil.
Hollow rock.
Pointless ditty.
Unlucky charm.
Cold geyser.
Tranquil whirlpool.
Neat anarchist.
Cynical optimist.
Social recluse.
Spiritual mercenary.
Trustworthy traitor.
Brief eternity.
Strangely familiar.

Mr. End

Mine is a dirty job
I make people sob
I steal souls for a living
Earn the ire of the unforgiving

I get no raises or gifts
For working on graveyard shifts
No promotions, no perks
For getting rid of jerks

I have no bosses to blame
In this gruesome game
I can never resign
As I am in it by design

Nobody fires me
Nobody hires me
I keep slogging, my friend
‘Coz I am Mr. End

What the celebrities are watching.

Osama Bin Laden CATCH ME IF YOU CAN

George Dubya Bush ENEMY OF THE STATE

Dick Cheney DUMB & DUMBER

John Kerry REALITY BITES

Ralph Nader ENOUGH

Michael Moore MURDER AT 1600

Donald Rumsfield COLLATERAL DAMAGE

Monica Lewinsky HOW GREEN WAS MY VALLEY

Bill Clinton A STREET CAR NAMED DESIRE

Hillary Clinton KILL BILL

Janet Jackson FLASH DANCE

Michael Jackson ABOUT A BOY

Paris Hilton SEX, LIES & THE VIDEOTAPE

Anna Nicole Smith HOW TO MARRY A MILLIONAIRE

Pamela Anderson THE NEXT BIG THING

Elizabeth Taylor JUST MARRIED

Prince Charles THE PRINCESS DIARIES

Ben Affleck AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER

Marc Anthony THE ODD COUPLE

Jennifer Lopez HOW TO LOSE A GUY IN 10 DAYS

Chandrika Kumaratunga CROUCHING TIGER, HIDDEN DRAGON

Velupillai Pirabhakaran BIRTH OF A NATION

Hamid Karzai ESCAPE FROM TALIBAN

John Major BLAIR WITCH PROJECT

Tony Blair LIAR LIAR

Saddam Hussein THIEF OF BAGHDAD

Pervez Musharraf BORDER

Sonia Gandhi ROMAN HOLIDAY

Manmohan Singh ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE

Mani Shankar Iyer DON'T SAY A WORD

Rahul Gandhi BRIDE & PREJUDICE

Harkishen Singh Surjeet THIN RED LINE

Mayawati THE UNTOUCHABLES

Mamta Banerjee EAST IS EAST

Atal Behari Vajpayee YAADON KI BARAT

LK Advani IDENTITY

Venkaiah Naidu END OF DAYS

Uma Bharthi FACE OFF

Pramod Mahajan IN THE LINE OF FIRE

Murali Manohar Joshi HUM KISI SE KAM NAHIN

Praveen Togadia MINORITY REPORT

Narendra Modi BURNING TRAIN

Ashok Singhal DEMOLITION MAN

Bangaru Laxman PAY IT FORWARD

George Fernandes UNDER SUSPICION

Telgi GREASE 2

Adam Gilchrist SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT

Michael Clarke AS GOOD AS IT GETS

Damien Martyn THE PERFECT SCORE

John Wright KANGAROO JACK

Saurav Ganguly MAN ON FIRE

Virendra Sehwag RISKY BUSINESS

Rahul Dravid DARNA MANA HAI

Sachin Tendulkar WHAT'S THE WORST THAT CAN HAPPEN

VVS Laxman THE MAN WHO FELL TO EARTH

Akash Chopra CAST AWAY

Ashish Nehra UNBREAKABLE

Rohan Gavaskar DODGEBALL: A TRUE UNDERDOG STORY

Irfan Pathan GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Dinesh Mongia MERI AWAAZ SUNO

Parthiv Patel KAL HO NA HO

Yuvraj Singh DIL PE MAT LE YAAR

Muthiah Muralitharan BEND IT LIKE BECKHAM

Inzamam Ul Haq SPEED

Michael Vaughan PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN

Jayendra Saraswati WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?

Jayalalitha ENTRAPMENT

Karan Johar LOOK WHO'S TALKING

Amitabh Bachchan PAYBACK

Mallika Sherawat ANATOMY

Amisha Patel THROW MAMA FROM THE TRAIN

Meera Jasmine PARENT TRAP

Amrita Singh KRAMER Vs. KRAMER

Saif Ali Khan THE ITALIAN JOB

Govinda PATI, PATNI AUR WOH

Mrs. Govinda HADH KAR DI AAPNE

Rani Mukherjee RAJA KI AAYEGI BAARAAT

Salman Khan SHE DONE HIM WRONG

Aishwarya Rai UNFORGIVEN

Padma Laxmi BUDDA MIL GAYA

Salman Rushdie THE HOT CHICK

Arun Nayar BEWITCHED

Liz Hurley KOI MIL GAYA

Aamir Khan MUJHSE SHAADI KAROGEY

Kiran Rao MY LUCKY STARS

Imran Khan TWO WEEKS NOTICE

Jenima Khan DIL CHAHTA HAI

Hugh Grant MAIN HOON NA

Anil Ambani SHALL WE DANCE?

Sushmita Sen THE LADY IN QUESTION

Tina Ambani YOU CAN'T FOOL YOUR WIFE

Shobha De PULP FICTION

Medha Patkar RESERVOIR DOGS

Arundhati Roy REBEL WITHOUT A CAUSE

Charles Sobhraj THE GREAT ESCAPE

Sunil Mittal STARSKY & HUTCH

Andy Grove GOODBYE, MR. CHIPS

Mukesh Ambani THE CABLE GUY

Vijay Mallya MIDNIGHT COWBOY

Anju Bobby George ALMOST FAMOUS

The Mocksford English Dictionary

Aren’t you tired of using the same old words? I am.
So I coined 51 new nouns and adjectives to amuse myself.
See if these terms fill a tiny void in your vocabulary.

1. PEEGLOO (pee-gloo)
Meaning: The great Indian open-air toilet. Constructed on a need-to-pee basis. Built at will on roadsides, pavements, fields and deserted corners.
Usage: In case of emergency I don’t mind using the peegloo.

2. MENUSIZING (menu-size-zing)
Meaning: Downsizing the order after glancing at the price list in the menu.
Usage: We went to the Taj. We ended up eating French Fries thanks to some menusizing.

3. BIOPUFFING (bio-puff-fing)
Meaning: All the spiced up stuff in a resumé. Put in with a desire to increase employability.
Usage: With some biopuffing, even George Dubya Bush can look like an Einstein.

4. GOCHIMINH (go-chee-min)
Meaning: A system beater who has an instinctive feel for the loopholes.
Usage: Dhirubhai Ambani is a classic example of how far a Gochiminh can go.

5. DOLLY COMPLEX (doll-lee-com-plex)
Meaning: The insecurity that seizes the original when the clone becomes more popular.
Usage: Why does Sachin fail when Sehwag clicks? Is it the Dolly Complex?

6. THOOKSTER (thoook-stir)
Meaning: One who generously parts with his saliva. By spitting it out on the streets.
Usage: If you want to paint the town red, call the paan chewing thooksters.

7. TYPOCHONDRIAC (type-o-con-dree-ack)
Meaning: A chronic user of the spell check.
Usage: I may be a typochondriac, but please don’t call me Dan Quayle.

8. STARE CROW (stare-cro)
Meaning: An unapologetic lech.
Usage: My boss is a stare crow. He always talks to my chest.

9. POUNCE SYNDROME (pounce-sin-drome)
Meaning: Blaming the usual suspects when things go wrong.
Usage: If India loses the South African Series, Saurav Ganguly would be dropped because of the Pounce Syndrome.

10. INVISIBLE INC (in-visy-ble-ink)
Meaning: A dignified euphemism for staying-at-home-and-looking-for-a-job.
Usage: I was a copywriter in Mudra. Now I work for Invisible Inc.

11. NUMISLOGIC (new-miss-logic)
Meaning: Deciding something by the toss of a coin.
Usage: May be some day we might resolve the Kashmir issue by using numislogic.

12. TELEGENIE (tell-lee-jeeny)
Meaning: Someone who appears magical only on television. In reality is pretty ordinary.
Usage: If the BJP has to get out of its current morass it needs to junk its telegenies.

13. EUREKA-FORBED (you-ray-ka-fore-bd)
Meaning: Buying something you’ll never use from a slick salesman.
Usage: I used my vacuum cleaner just once. I don’t know why I bought it. May be I got Eureka-Forbed.

14. TEMPLOYEE (temp-ploy-ee)
Meaning: A temporary employee.
Usage: My gut feel is Manmohan Singh is a temployee.

15. LEWDONYM (lewd-o-nim)
Meaning: An offensive sounding covert name adopted by people to get noticed in chat rooms.
Usage: Puckmyfussy is the funniest lewdonym I’ve seen on yahoo.

16. GREEN ECHO (green-eco)
Meaning: The envy tinged good-for-you on the lips of colleagues when you get a raise, a promotion, an award or a better job.
Usage: When Lagaan got its Oscar nomination, Ashutosh Gowarikar had his fill of green echoes from Bollywood.

17. MAILOPHILIST (mail-o-fill-list)
Meaning: A collector of email Ids. Especially if it’s a freebie.
Usage: Sirish is a mailophilist. At last count, he had 7 gmail ids.

18. BLAHVARIA (bla-vary-yeah)
Meaning: The makeshift venue for office gossip.
Usage: Boss has been sacked. I heard it in Blahvaria.

19. SLOPPYCAT (slop-pee-cat)
Meaning: Anyone who gives the impression of being messy with a clear desire to appear untrustworthy.
Usage: The pleasure of being a sloppycat is nobody dumps work on you.

20. TANKRUPT (tank-crupt)
Meaning: The state when you run out of gas, petrol or fuel.
Usage: I was driving into the jungle when I went tankrupt.

21. PEANUT YARN (pee-nut-yaan)
Meaning: The official story put out when a company gives a piddly sum as raise to its employees.
Usage: It’s not funny. While the performers always get a peanut yarn, the bosses take home obese pay hikes.

22. LOOP GIFT (loop-gift)
Meaning: The gift that gets palmed off to someone else as a gift.
Usage: 20% of the wedding gifts are worth keeping. The other 80% make lovely loop gifts.

23. CHUMPY (chum-pee)
Meaning: The irritable state of women during that time of the month.
Usage: Never ask for a raise from your boss when she’s chumpy.

24. TEXTACY (tex-ta-see)
Meaning: The addictive urge to send SMS messages to someone you love.
Usage: When he is not talking to her, Brian is on textacy.

25. GOOGLEDYGOOK (goo-gle-di-gook)
Meaning: All the rubbish that one tends to believe after mindless googling.
Usage: The Internet has loads of useful stuff and loads of googledygook.

26. COMMITTEED (com-mit-teed)
Meaning: The act of burying an issue with a spade called a committee.
Usage: The Bofors issue has been committeed. It will be a miracle if the truth sees the light of the day.

27. Q-BIST (cube-bist)
Meaning: One who’s mastered the art of jumping the queue.
Usage: The only way to watch a first day first show in Chennai is to be a Q-bist.

28. PRESS SENTENCE (press-sen-tense)
Meaning: Trial by the media. Where the accused is declared guilty by newspapers even before proper investigation.
Usage: It’s a pity the Shankaracharya has been press sentenced by the yellow journals.

29. QUITTERITIS (quit-ter-ai-tis)
Meaning: The itch to quit a company.
Usage: After the promotion list was announced, the company has been hit by quitteritis.

30. JUSTIN TIMER (just-tin-time-err)
Meaning: One who’s notorious for starting and finishing things at the last minute.
Usage: I may be a Justin Timer, but I get things done.

31. GASTRONOT (gas-tro-naught)
Meaning: One who farts and acts as if some one else did it.
Usage: When it gets unbearable, the one who walks away first is invariably the gastronot.

32. GLASS MIDAS (glass-mid-ass)
Meaning: Anything he touches turns fragile.
Usage: Sivaji Ganesan was a Glass Midas. Any political party he joined broke up bigtime.

33. PSEUDOCLOCKING (sew-dough-clock-king)
Meaning: The act of keeping your clock ahead of the actual time so that you have enough buffer to land up on time.
Usage: Despite my pseudoclocking, I reached the office around lunchtime.

34. GUESSAURUS (guess-saw-russ)
Meaning: The walking dictionary in your vicinity, to whom you turn to for all your synonyms & antonyms.
Usage: Jaswant Singh must have been Vajpayee’s guessaurus.

35. REYNOLD’S MYSTERY (rey-nols-miss-terry)
Meaning: Any unexplained phenomenon not worth probing.
Etymology: Thousands of people lose their Reynold’s pen everyday. Nobody knows where it goes and who flicks it.
Usage: Matchfixing is no Reynold’s Mystery. It needs an in-depth enquiry.

36. BLURBOLOGIST (blurb-awl-logist)
Meaning: One who pretends to be an expert after reading a book blurb, a movie or music review.
Usage: Quizzers are blurbologists. They know a little about a lot.

37. MABENMANIAC (maa-behn-may-niac)
Meaning: One who peppers his conversation with foul-mouthed prefixes or suffixes.
Usage: Some film stars I know are Mabenmaniacs. Their conversation should get a PG rating.

38. TOPPERAZZI (top-per-raat-zee)
Meaning: A campus label applicable to those who chase the topper a few hours before exams hoping for some eleventh hour enlightenment.
Usage: If you can’t be the topper, you better be the topperazzi.

39. DISCOUNT DRACULA (dis-count-drak-kyula)
Meaning: One who kills a market by undercutting.
Usage: Akai is the perfect example of a Discount Dracula.

40. CUBICLE MIME (cuby-cal-mime)
Meaning: The charade of acting busy in office.
Usage: Boss always sits in a corner with a serious look. But the whole office knows he’s a master at cubicle mime.

41. LAGNOSTIC (lag-noss-stick)
Meaning: One who believes in doing things at a leisurely pace.
Usage: A Lagnostic at work is like a snail in slow motion.

42. ELKEBALL (el-kay-ball)
Meaning: A thoroughly disgusting chap.
Usage: The elkeballs at the income tax office don’t even know to use a comp.

43. CELL DEAF (sell-def)
Meaning: Ducking calls after seeing the caller id.
Usage: I don’t think he’s in a meeting. He’s just playing cell deaf.

44. RUBBER BANK (rub-ba-bank)
Meaning: One who’s notorious for issuing bouncy cheques.
Usage: Don’t ever lend money to him. He’s a rubber bank.

45. VEXCUSE (vex-kyoose)
Meaning: The ‘honourable’ reasons cited for quitting a company when the quitter is dead sure that no one is willing to listen to the real reasons.
Usage: When I put in my papers, my vexcuse was I wanted to do snorkeling in Timbuktu.

46. PEN CHEWER (pen-choo-ver)
Meaning: One who’s in the midst of ideation.
Usage: He’s an airhead. He can never be a pen chewer.

47. KINBANG (kin-bang)
Meaning: The nameless, faceless gang of relatives who thrust themselves on you.
Usage: I had planned a quiet wedding. I didn’t budget for the kinbang.

48. DUDRENALINE (dud-re-null-lin)
Meaning: The rush of blood that results in disastrous consequences.
Usage: Saurav Ganguly will be a good test player if he can temper his dudrenaline.

49. AVICHUTE (av-shoot)
Meaning: Bird dropping.
Usage: The lunch served at office tastes like avichute.

50. TWINCOMERS (twin-cummers)
Meaning: Double income couple with no kids.
Usage: Jennifer Aniston & Brad Pitt must be the richest twincomers.

51. ZOOTRILLA (zoot-rill-la)
Meaning: A rarely used word.
Usage: If not for the common people the f-word would have become a zootrilla.

Emptiness

A song without a soul.
A race without a goal.

A star without a twinkle.
A worry without a wrinkle.

A poem without words.
A warrior without swords.

A captain without a ship.
A tormentor without a whip.

A heart without a beat.
A magician without a feat.

A bird without wings.
A country without kings.

A clock without hands.
A rockstar without bands.

A boat without sails.
An author without tales.

A child without a toy.
A smile without joy.

A noose without a rope.
A monk without hope.

The Justforkix Awards

To celebrate the accomplishments of the titans of our time, I have instituted the JUSTFORKIX (JFK) awards, in memory of Goscinny & Uderzo, the creators of the Asterix comics. The JFK award is like the Knighthood. The only difference is instead of the Sir title I shall bestow the celebrity with a name that suits his or her comical personality. The roll of honour for this year is as follows:

For steadfastly refusing to be a flip-flopper, John Kerry shall henceforth be called ACROBATIX.

For his Queen’s English and razor sharp mind, George Dubya Bush shall henceforth be called IDIOTIX.

For her not-so-ample chest, Pamela Anderson shall henceforth be called ABUNDANTIA.

For his stunningly cosmopolitan worldview, Bal Thackeray shall henceforth be called JINGOISTIX.

For ‘sacrificing’ the PM’s post after listening to her inner voice, Sonia Gandhi shall henceforth be called MELODRAMATIX.

For his action packed reality show in Iraq, Donald Rumsfield shall henceforth be called BARBARIX.

For scoring a hundred every time it snows in Sahara, Sachin Tendulkar shall henceforth be called ERRATIX.

For graciously letting go of his wife and marrying Britney Spears, Kevin Federline shall henceforth be called PARASITIX.

For her eye-popping no-show, Janet Jackson shall henceforth be called TELEGENIX.

For unleashing a highly laudatory documentary on Bush, Michael Moore shall henceforth be called SARCASTIX.

For being ultra flexible on Palestine, Ariel Sharon shall henceforth be called INELASTIX.

For humbly proclaiming the Indian Cricket Team as World-beaters, Saurav Ganguly shall henceforth be called BOMBASTIX.

For his polished ways and presidential demeanour, Laloo Prasad Yadav shall henceforth be called RUSTIX.

For his record mandate in Afghanistan, Hamid Karzai shall henceforth be called CEREMONIX.

For his uniquely original compositions, Anu Mallik shall henceforth be called SOWHATIFITSREMIX.

For covering her hot bod from head to toe, Mallika Sherawat shall henceforth be called MINIMALISTIX.

For intervening in the American elections with very noble intentions, Osama Bin Laden shall henceforth be called DIRTYTRIX.

For innocently letting her boyfriend film their one nightstand, Paris Hilton shall henceforth be called VOYEURISTIX.

For launching the Tiranga Yatra to safeguard the honour of the Indian tricolour, Uma Bharti shall henceforth be called CHEAPGIMMIX.

For loving his fellow man, Elton John shall henceforth be called ANDROGYNIX.

The Secrets in a Name

You can’t judge a book by its cover. But surely you can decode a person by examining the name. To unravel the secret traits all you have to do is to shuffle the letters in the name. And choose an anagram that makes sense. Don’t believe me? Try Osama Bin Laden. The anagram reads IS A BANAL DEMON.

No. That’s no fluke. If you still don’t buy my theory check out the anagrams below. I’ve painstakingly sifted the wheat from the chaff for your benefit.

SONIA GANDHI = Oh India Snag!
(An allusion to the one glitch in her CV that prevents her from being the Indian PM)

LAL KRISHNA ADVANI = Vandal Has Liar Kin
(The Rath Yatra and the Babri Masjid Demolition. Don’t know about the liar kin.)

SACHIN RAMESH TENDULKAR = A Scarehead Milks Nth Run
(Scarehead in newspaper parlance is a headliner)

AISHWARYA RAI = A Raw Shayarii
(For the verbally challenged Shayarii is a form of Urdu Poetry)

NARENDRA MODI = A Darn Dim Nero
(Remember how this dithering genius let Gujarat burn?)

MADHURI DIXIT = A Hit Mix Druid
(A reference to her hajaar hits)

SALMAN KHAN = Ash Klan Man
(Once upon a time Sallu was Ash’s man)

ANU MALIK = Maal In UK
(Maal is of course the stuff Anu Malik freely borrows)

AAMIR KHAN = I am Hank Ra.
(Don’t we call Aamir the Tom Hanks of India?)

PREITY ZINTA = A Prize Ntity
(Her celebrity hood was assured the day she was named)

LEANDER PAES = Apes An Elder
(Leander took to Sports like his Dad. And won an Olympic medal like his dad.)

VINOD MEHTA = Hint: Am Dove
(Anybody who reads Outlook will swear Vinod is a liberal minded peacenik)

SUSHMITA SEN = I Stash Menus
(This reveals a facet not too many are aware of. Sush loves food and restaurateurs. It’s her dream to start a food chain after she quits acting.)

NATHURAM GODSE = Means A Hurt Dog
(An apt anagram for a beast who killed Gandhi under the pretext of hurt Hindu pride)

MEDHA PATKAR = Pet Dam Hark
(Her pet peeve – the Narmada Dam)

MANEKA GANDHI = A Name Kid Nag
(Maneka has ensured an entire generation of kids will carry the names she compiled in the Book of Names)

SARDAR PATEL = Salt Parader
(He was destined to participate in the famous Dandi March)

MANI RATNAM = I’m An Art Man
(Now we know fine art is in his veins and name)

DAWOOD IBRAHIM = Oh Bad War Idiom!
(Guess who’s responsible for the gang wars in Mumbai?)

RK NARAYAN = A-Rank Yarn
(Quality story telling uske naam mein likha hai)

ARUNDHATI ROY = A Horrid Aunty!!!!
(I am adding this anagram not to prove any point but just to poke fun at a figure everyone loves to hate.)

Case rested.

The Assembly Line Man

A by-product of organic chemistry

Fabricated by a couple to serve as a future insurance

Sterilized into walking and talking like anyone else

Sent to a finishing school that eliminates any trace of individuality

Brainwashed into learning the same arts, the same science and the same values

Groomed by a college to be a white-collared slave

Hired by an organization that pays you to think like they do

Judged by a cliché called success

Defined by a society that goes by a quaint rulebook called the Constitution

Fired for showing a streak called independence

Urged by peers to play by the rules

Counseled by parents to settle down

Appreciated for re-entering the chicken run

Earned a label called Manager

Decided to abandon the last vestige of freedom

Acquired the tag called husband

Wedded and bedded a stranger from the same factory

Fathered a by-product of organic chemistry...

In Your Dreams

When will the smoker quit?
When will the dud be a hit?
When will salt be sweet?
When will the cold feel the heat?
When will black be cool?
When will women rule?
When will the lame walk?
When will the dumb talk?
When will the meek fight?
When will religion unite?
When will the corrupt turn clean?
When will the world go green?
When will the fools become wise?
When will the impolite become nice?
When will darkness become light?
When will a knave become knight?